Monday, May 3, 2010
It Feels Like The End Of An Era...
Actually I just finished my diary. I am an avid journaler and feel like it's an essential aspect of my emotional, mental and spiritual health, not to mention it really helps because of my horrible memory, and as I got down to the last few pages in my diary my entries started to look like this...(these one liners are whole entries)
February 23rd: "I hate not fitting in."
March 1st: "I am so frustrated!"
March 3rd: "I guess I'm having a difficult time finishing entries lately..."
I think I was feeling like for what would probably be my last entry I should write something big. Some big "aha" moment and nothing was coming to mind. I definitely didn't want to end it on a negative note...
I do think that someday my daughters might enjoy reading my journals and although I write freely for the most part, keeping that in mind helps me try to see the good in things that I write and not to dwell too long on negative emotions...which is a good thing!
Anyway, I'll share most of my last entry with you mostly because it tells the whole story of the retreat and I wrote it when everything was fresh in my mind. Here you go...
April 25th: The Lord brought me to a womens retreat this last weekend. I actually just walked in the door. So now I have something big to write;) And sort of conclusive I suppose...
I left on Friday morning feeling fragmented, with heavy burdens and heavy eyes sooo wanting to cry.
Actually something happened on the way over there and my left eye started bothering me and watering terribly. By that evening I had to remove my contact but left the other one in so I could at least see. Seeing clearly out of one eye is first of all frustrating, but during the night session of worship and sharing I started to feel light headed and my ears started ringing. By the time it ended and everyone got up to go have dessert I felt like I was going to pass out.
I took the other contact out and laid down to calm my heart which was racing by this point. When I felt like I could stand I went up to bed, blind and frustrated. I felt like some amazing things were shared, heart wrenching things as well, and I had not been fully there for those women! I felt like I was under the enemy's attack or something!
Hmmm...I do believe that nothing can touch me and God's children that's not ordained by Himself and also He works everything for the good according to His purposes.
I heard the stories that I needed to hear. The rest was tuned out by my distractedness...
The next day I was able to put my contacts in and I spent time with a few of the ladies but enjoyed getting to know one in particular. Her name was Lynn. We had some similar circumstances in our lives that it gave us the opportunity to connect on a much needed deeper level.
One of the things that we got to talking about was how each of us were once single moms and how we would take our children places. She said how she didn't let not having a husband stop her from taking her son on trips to Disneyland, the zoo and other family oriented places. We also agreed that we always were looking for a husband to fill the empty spot on our adventure. The spot that we tried hard to mask for our little ones.
Lynn said "If we, looking in hindsight, can see how perfect things were, why don't we realize that about how things are now?" Wow! That penetrated my heart to the core and I started to cry and told her that was exactly what I needed to get out of the whole retreat. We both cried more and talked more, opening up in a way only God could plan for me.
I felt light seep into the cracks and crevices of my soul and suddenly my eyes didn't feel so heavy and the urge to cry disappeared.
The evening session was good and I was able to share some things that were on my heart about grace and the healing that I've experienced in my life over the last couple of years. I shared the verse about God's grace being sufficient and His power being made perfect in weakness.
The evening was so sweet.
This morning I woke up and while I got ready in the bathroom I thought of everything shared during the weekend. It was pretty amazing because what I did hear on Friday were things that I remember about my own past. God wanted me to be ministered to and just spend some time receiving the beautiful view from the mountaintop so to speak. He has carried me far.
I love the verse in Isaiah 43 about going through water but not being overcome, going through the fire but not being burned. He paid for my ransom because He loves me.
The thought is overwhelming.
Also with the older women there I see that He's not done with me yet. That there's hope and a future and the things we're walking through right now (the perfect things because they are part of God's plan) are going to eventually end but I can choose to have joy right now....and peace.
I'm feeling very full of love and grace at the moment and my prayer is that it spills out and positively affects the lives around me.
I'm looking back and I've been writing in this journal for three years now. In some ways I feel like I've taken some steps forward and some steps back but I rest knowing that God has me in His hands.
So there you go:) Sorry that some of that was repeated.
Oh and this is kind of strange. I for one don't believe in coincidences and realize I probably drive people crazy coming up with themes and theories but get this...when my eyes were having problems it just seemed so weird and I kept asking God what was going on. I kept thinking of Paul being blinded on the road to Damascus. That's about all the information I can give you about that because I haven't read that story for awhile, but the thought was there nevertheless.
Then I got home and my kids had gone to church with my mom that morning. They showed me these colorfully scribbled paper plate masks and my mom told me they were learning about Paul being blinded on the road to Damascus! They had holes cut out for the eyes and they covered them up to see what it would be like to be blind! Isn't that weird?! I don't know what that means but like I said I don't believe in coincidences;)
Now I need to go search for a new journal!