Honor

“Acts of honor are never lost in translation and we must choose to honor what will be and what should be and what could be instead of criticizing what is.” -Lisa Bevere, author of Lioness Arising

I’ve had similar words to these in my heart for years. That verse speaking the truth in love about seeing people, all people, through a lens of acceptance and love and grace and treating them accordingly.

Respecting my husband for the man he’s called to be.

Seeing potential in my children and calling that out.

Recognizing light for those I know and encouraging them to keep heading towards it…

Not that I constantly do all these things…definitely fail more than succeed!

Which brings me to what hit me today like the crash of an ocean wave...

It applies to us!!!

We have to honor ourselves!

(sorry for all the exclamation marks but this was a serious realization.)

I momentarily lapse in grace towards my husband, my kids and just about everyone I bump into on this lifelong road, but when it comes to myself the criticism cut so much deeper, I dwell on so much longer and rarely there's an apology. Then I’m back in the hole again…

This is such an amazing Psalm and seriously one of the songs of my life.

Psalm 40~
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
~
But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.

I'm thinking today about treating myself well. Seeing my own potential. Forgiving myself. Accepting myself...

Listening to myself.

Okay, now I'm confusing myself, haha!

Seriously though, my God is not let down by my mistakes, he loves me and is only hoping that instead of looking inward in shame I'll run to Him and see His love as even bigger and more extravagant than I thought yesterday!

Lord let me live in that love!

Last Summer

I don't know where all this time went but I thought I'd share some long overdue pictures of my sister in law's beautiful Hawaiian wedding.

Summer

I walk along the beach lost inside of my thoughts when a fragment of white stands out in the step ahead of me. A perfect white spiralled shell, once home to a little crab, but now grabs me and pulls me in.

Beauty before me as I make my way inland at the bay, seeing trees and fields, jungle and savannah. A flock of birds come up from the grass in one giant movement after a stop and pause of serene silence. The sun glistens over the hillside speckleed with houses which I ignore. Behind me is the water, the glistening calm bay over shallow sand.

I take the small shell and begin to look for others. I realize that it was placed there for me. A calling back out of my thoughts, to the beauty and life that surround.

Staying in the spiral is comforting; a drug of thoughts and dreams and desires unknown by anyone apart from God. A little hermit, content to stay.

I have a feeling healing will break forth. The peacefulness of the sea has that effect. I decide to spend many days of this summer here at this beach.

Which Way Lord?

This has been a busy week....or two...or actually a busy couple of months!

I watched one of my favorite movies "The Apostle" with Robert Duvall, who is one of my favorite actors. It's about a preacher who gets into a little trouble with the law, runs to Louisiana after changing his name.

When he comes into the town at every intersection he points to the left and the right and says "Which way Lord?"

I love the movie because he reminds me of stories that I've heard about my husband's grandpa, who was an evangelist. The scene that reminds me the most of him is where he walks into a bar and stays just long enough to drag some guy out by his neck saying "You don't have to go back in there....you just say 21 times 'Jesus Christ gives me the power to not go back in there!'" Then he's running off to catch a bus, still yelling at the stumbling drunk guy who surely didn't realize what hit him.

Anyway, in my life I keep coming to unexpected intersections and I'm learning to say "Which way Lord?" instead of freaking out.

I'm realizing how often I get stressed out when the thing that I'm stressed about is simply (or not so simply) not having control over a situation or that I'm facing something unexpected. It's not even bad, just unexpected, but that feels bad to me...

Does God ever speak to you in parables? If so you know that it is a very humbling experience...LOL. Seriously, when he points something out about someone else and then once you are resolved in your mind about how that person should respond, the still small voice says "Yeah, by the way, that's you I'm talking about..."

Humbling because that is how Nathan approached David after David had committed adultery and then followed up by having the husband killed. That was the only way God could get to the core of David's heart.

So my control issues are the same as David's adultery and murder?

I guess it comes down to fear and those fears that I keep as a layer over my true self, my core...

I realize I'm being very vague about what actually is going on, so I'll just say that we're facing job changes, signing up for school, and no money.

This morning my husband is going to talk to a guy about 'possibilities'...seriously that's all the guy said when he called! The guy runs houses for men recovering from head injuries and his 'possibilities' could be anything from installing some doors to supervising one of the houses to building him a new house.

My fear is that if he does offer my husband a job, how we would then get caught up on the things that we've fallen behind on over the last two months of no working...

Another thing is that I'm looking at going back to work somehow. At first I was kicking and screaming about that idea because I don't see how that would work with my two little ones still at home, but then I was reminded of an idea for a job that would be a writing, work at home job....perfect. Then I saw that there was a class open for this particular job that is this Wednesday (tomorrow). Then I signed up for the class and prayed for God to provide the money ($50) to take it. Then I opened my birthday gift and there was a visa gift card for $50. Then on Sunday I had to use it for gas! (Big heavy sigh...)

I know that God has a plan and it's good and I'm simply trying to be still and trust and allow Him to lead us which way He wants us to go.

If you've made it to the end of this long rambling post, thanks for reading my thoughts that resemble more of a venting journal entry today. I'll try to update when more of these thoughts are actually resolved. And if you think to pray for us in the meantime that would be pretty amazing!

Learning, Writing and Answered Prayer!

I'm trembling in my flip flops here! I love to write, I need to write and I feel like God has given me a message to write...and I say that with real trepidation...


I'm working on a book....there I said it. I've started books before, but I can't seem to get past the introduction and first chapter. Partly because of my extreme case of self critique which I'm already feeling. Yesterday after spending a good amount of time writing and feeling like I was getting a lot done, I loudly exclaimed "God, don't let me be wasting my time here!" What I meant was, I want the words to come from Him, and not my own often too introspective self.

The picture above is a hint at what I'm writing about....;)

He is so faithful!

I just want to share something that happened the other day that was so cool and thankfully I had the eyes to see it (do you also ever wonder how much we miss?).

I was spending some time praying for specifically my husband. We were waiting for someone to pay us and we really needed them to pay in order to literally keep our lights on. Meanwhile my husband is busy with his online classes and I could also sense that he was feeling a little lost as to what to do about money, work and life.

Going back a little, when we went to a conference last month Bill explained afterward that he "is completely changed!" and I've seen a difference! Inwardly he seems to have more peace and outwardly he's doing things different too. He turned on music while working on his classes and he first turned on his usually rock station...then halfway through the first song he found a Christian station and started listening to that! Okay, I know some other wives will know how huge that really is!!

Anyway, seeing these changes I prayed that God would bless him and show my husband His faithfulness. Of course I was thinking that us getting the money we're owed would be the way to do it...then my prayer changed a little and I said "God, I know you have something better in mind...I'll lay aside my request about the money and wait for what you have for us".

I was gone that evening and Bill texted me later and said that he'd prayed with Brayden to ask Jesus into his heart!!! Bill was so incredibly blessed and excited, it practically brings tears to my eyes thinking about it again.

Then he had Brayden call me while I was still driving home and tell me the news for himself. So cute!!

I got off the phone and, seeing how God had answered my prayer, I found myself in a state of utter amazement! Seriously, God is amazing!

And we did get paid that next day and our lights did not get turned off, but my happiness at that point was riding on something greater.

A big part of January's fast for me was fasting from asking. The purpose was so that God would show me how to ask for what He wanted to give me and I'm seeing how He's done that in my life. I know I've got much more to learn, but learning this sure feels good!

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7

Be Still and Know

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

I am so amazed at God!

On Monday night I was driving home and having a talk and honestly laying out some stuff that's been on my mind and on my heart. One of things that I said was that I'm worried that we're on the wrong path in an area of our life....a big area!

I've really committed to this fasting from asking God for stuff, so instead I kind of asked Him how I was supposed to pray and not ask Him....

"Be still and know that I am God." On my drive home I felt peace and a sense that God knew my needs and I could let it go...for the time...

The next morning (Tuesday) I went to Bible Study and sat at my usual table of women. They have the pretty usual bible study format where there will be a teaching time and then a time to share within our table groups. During that time we ended up sharing generally what was on our heart and what we were looking forward to in the new year. I completely forgot about my prayer and my concerns from the previous night and shared how I wanted to be a part of what God was doing in peoples' lives instead of hindering it.

For some reason the leader in our group felt that they should all pray for me and they did. She prayed that God would lead us on the right path! That God would send wise older men to counsel my husband! And that God would be filling us with wisdom for the season ahead!

I forgot those needs and didn't know how to ask when they were on my mind. God remembered them and had others ask for me.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

These Psalms were on my lips constantly these past couple of years since we've been in this constant feeling of transition. We haven't changed jobs, but our lives have been changing; my heart has been changing!

I've been learning that sometimes the line between giving up and surrender is blurry to us in the fog we're walking through, but God sees our heart and gives grace to the humble. I'm learning that it can be the same way with complaining and honestly pouring our hearts out before the Lord.

I'm praising God because my future, our future, is in His hands.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Image Credit

Be in the Moment

This is the day the Lord has made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

I grew up with that song and so many times when we're on the way to school and I'm not liking the atmosphere of our car, I start out with "This is the day...." It's so funny that even my older girls still join in.

And it changes things!

A couple of days ago I was growing kind of anxious and feeling a little self-pity about this whole fast. I am still not so good at waiting and if I come to a point where I sense something coming, I just wanna get to what's next! I easily grow tired and impatient of the process. Can anyone relate?

That got me thinking, what helps me endure the trying times in motherhood? It's not just looking to the future and knowing that the times will pass. Looking back I think what has helped me the most is finding the joy in my children during that time and focusing on that.

My son is three years old and he loves to run from me. In stores, at home, when I'm trying to get him dressed, when we need to leave the park and head home. It is so frustrating at times but this is also a time when he'll snuggle up to me and fall asleep in my arms. He'll run up and hug my knees and think that I'm the greatest person alive, along with dad, and probably big sister Ruby. I know he won't always do this and I cherish these moments we have now.

So how can I find joy in the middle of discipline? How can I be in this moment?

Philippians 2 mentions joy when Paul says "make my joy complete by being like-minded, ... not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

Paul was in prison when he wrote what I consider his most intimate and beautiful letter to the Philippine church. Talk about a trying time!

Paul's joy was outside of himself. My joy is found when I am very conscientious of the world around me, when I'm rocking my child, when I'm praying for someone, when I'm laying down my own negative emotions and having compassion for others. Then I am more myself.

Let me tell you about that photo above. My friend Amy, who's blog is at the top of my page, brought me some purple tulips when she visited last year. She hasn't been able to visit since because her husband was in a serious dirt bike accident and he's recovering from a traumatic brain injury. Amy is spending every moment possible at her husband's side, cheering him on in his recovery and she's devoting lots of time to her young daughter. You can read about her journey and join in praying for Adam's recovery, just click the link.

The thing is, I never hear a ounce of self-pity coming from her. She's full of praise, encouragement and is always thinking of others. I'm sure she has moments, but during a time when she could be very down and depressed she's staying focused on what's True! She's being herself, who she was created to be and doing what she was created for. It's inspiring.

When she gave me those tulips she pointed out that purple is the color of royalty and she told me I'm a princess of the King of Kings. That's who I am. That's who we all are as women.

Then when the tulips were opened and catching the light in such a beautiful way, I took a picture to remind myself later of who I am. Encouraging me to be myself.

Do you have something reminding you of who you are? We are not what we've done, things we've said or the mistakes we've made. We're not a sum of our education or accomplishments or lack thereof. We are not what other people have told us we are. We were created for a greater purpose than ourselves and we were placed in the Kingdom of God as heirs. We are daughters of the King.

You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. Isaiah 62:3