Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Broken


My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah. Psalm 62:5-8

Bare with me because I have three days of thoughts swirling in my brain...

As far as the fast goes I am starting to feel better. I guess I've never been so determined to be faithful in this because the detox symptoms I expected on days 4 and 5 came on Day 3 and for the entire day I felt like a recovering drug addict with crawling skin and lock jaw! Not serious lock jaw, but just the tightening that you sometimes feel from extreme stress. This is very eye opening to me how sugar has taken over my life and my health and I'm praising God to bringing me to this place where I'm able to let it go...

So today I've really been thinking a lot on hunger, brokenness and emptiness.

On Hunger:
Cutting bread and sugar, and basically everything I crave, has really caused me to be constantly hungry. Yesterday I was giving in to the hunger by snacking every time I felt that pain, holding myself over with a cup of coffee, drinking water to feel full or busying myself with housework to distract my mind. None of these are bad things. The truth is I have been hungry because the snacks that I've been choosing are low in calories and it would make sense for me to want more an hour later, but something was nagging at me. Something was still missing...

On Brokenness:
We are very quick to fix things when they are broken, or throw them out and get new ones and I think this also describes how we handle things with our emotions and our need for God. A couple of years ago my dishwasher broke and we were not in the financial position to be buying a new one. I can say that that was the year when my time with God was never forgotten because something about standing there washing dishes by hand kept me talking to Him.

I think it's our human nature to not like the feeling on unknowing and discomfort. We want to feel like we're in the drivers seat and it would be preferrable to stay out of the fog! Are you seeing this theme of wanting to control come up again and again? Yes, my name is Jewel and I like to handle things on my own and be in control! This fast is for the purpose of ridding my brain from toxins and I believe that's been one of them!

I'm not alone there though. What did the Israelites do when Moses was taking awhile up on the mountain talking to God? They made the golden calf!

Someone posted on 30 Days of Praise about using the time she feels hungry to pray for whatever comes to mind. My spirit cried out "Yes!" I know the benefits of waiting and listening from my year of hand washing dishes, but how often do I take things into my own hands and fill the need with whatever easy to reach when I should be asking God to share what's on His heart!

Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name. Psalm 33:20-21

As women, when our hearts are broken and hurting, how do we want people to respond to us? Do we want their quick solution? I heard a radio show about marriage the other day and she was encouraging husbands to first listen and hear their wives because women want to be heard. I wonder if God wants us to lay aside our quick solutions and listen and hear what He has to say.

These thoughts may be a stretch, but how does he feel toward injustice in the world? How does He feel when His children reject Him and His love? How does He feel when those who were created in His own image, whom He fashioned together thinking of every detail, hate themselves when they look in the mirror or compare themselves to someone they are not?

How does He feel when I choose imitations and distractions over Him and His love?

These verses in Hosea give such a beautiful picture of our Father's heart. I encourage you to read these words and meditate on His love for you.

“When Israel was a child, I loved him,
and out of Egypt I called my son.
But the more they were called,
the more they went away from me.[a]
They sacrificed to the Baals
and they burned incense to images.
It was I who taught Ephraim to walk,
taking them by the arms;
but they did not realize
it was I who healed them.
I led them with cords of human kindness,
with ties of love.
To them I was like one who lifts
a little child to the cheek,
and I bent down to feed them.
“How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboyim?
My heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused. Hosea 11:1-4,8
“I will heal their waywardness
and love them freely,
for my anger has turned away from them.
I will be like the dew to Israel;
he will blossom like a lily.
Like a cedar of Lebanon
he will send down his roots;
his young shoots will grow.
His splendor will be like an olive tree,
his fragrance like a cedar of Lebanon.
People will dwell again in his shade;
they will flourish like the grain,
they will blossom like the vine—
Israel’s fame will be like the wine of Lebanon. Hosea 14:4-7


In His Grace,
Jewel

P.S. This may sound kind of silly, but when I was thinking on all of this I went in to do my laundry and noticed the light was burned out. Today is kind of dark and stormy here in the Northwest so I reached for the box of light bulbs. Then I thought, "No, I'm gonna wait a bit". There was enough light to load the washer and dryer and I really was thinking "Oh God, this is ridiculous, what possible purpose is there for not putting in a new light bulb??" It did get me talking to Him:)
Have you ever wondered what exactly is a "Cedar of Lebanon"?

2 comments:

Angela said...

Struck right to the core of my heart, left me weeping and thanking Him for you and for all of those who are on this path of walking in the light. I am reminded in this moment that my darkness is not dark to Him, and the fog is His Presence gently hugging me. I will never be able to express into words my thankfulness for you and for your gentle ministry to my heart, Jewel.
~Angela

Terra said...

YES! I just have no words to express right now how much your open heart means Jewel. God is so cool to use you to pull all of us together in this journey!
Best part:"I will heal their waywardness and love them freely."
Amazing! I am going to read Hosea for the rest of the week and find more precious gems such as that one!
ps: love your light bulb moment!

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