Just Thinking...

Keep praying for Adam. I've learned some things by keeping up with Amy's blog. When she first started writing about Adam's recovery I pictured him suddenly waking up. I thought it would be really cool if he awoke on Amy's birthday (a couple of weeks ago) and I prayed for that to happen, probably along with quite a few other people. But it's not like it is in the movies and the process is actually a lot slower, longer and drawn out. Amy shares about it here and between the emotions, the prayers, the hope and the pain, it's also kind of an interesting process. I also came across Kathleen's blog, who's husband is recovering in the room next to Adam's. Keep her and Amy and their families (especially Amy's young daughter Mackenzie) in your prayers as they go through this process of healing.

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Recently at our women's retreat it was my job to talk about purpose. I really didn't want that job and initially would have rather talked about something else. I mean, there's been so much written about purpose in recent years and what could I say that the ladies hadn't already heard?

Thankfully God, through different circumstances and His clear voice, asked for my eyes to be focused on Him rather than finding something "new" and exciting to share. Over and over I kept hearing about sharing the "plain and simple" message of the gospel of grace.

So that's what I spoke on. I mean, I did ask quite a few times "that's it? There's nothing else you want me to share?" "That's it!" I almost heard laughter coming from the heavens as I realized that "it" encompassed everything and anything of importance worth speaking about in this world. That "it" is the center of everything and should be the center of our lives. That "it" is the essence of power and life and wholeness and healing.

Even then when I put my talk together I included quite a witty introduction that I'm sure would have people laughing and loving me more for saying it...

Then before my turn to talk some stuff happened and, after looking at my speech, I realized I'd need to cut out my whole introduction. Wit, humor and all!

It was the most freeing thing I could do before getting up there!

Anyway, just today I was thinking about specific purposes that I've sort of forgotten about because my focus has been on other things. But like I said before God has a way of bringing our focus back to Him and even though it's difficult to wrap my brain around, when my focus is on Him I see my calling clearer. My calling is to be who He created me to be.

~He created me to be a helpmeet to my husband. Isn't helpmeet a fun word? It reminds me of swap meet and makes me think of drudgery, but that's totally the opposite of it's meaning in Genesis. The word "helper" comes from the word "ezer" and actually means something along the lines of life saver. So, I'm called to be my husband's life saver. (I should add that I do not have a Hebrew dictionary beside me, am not a Hebrew scholar, so I'm going off of how I have remembered what I've read about helpmeets).

~He created me to be a mama. This ones pretty obvious, but sometimes I need to be reminded. I was reminded recently while at a fundraiser banquet, the main speaker was talking about how each of us can make a difference in some one's life. I can't remember exactly what he was saying, but I started pondering my purpose and gifts, etc. and it hit me like a big sloppy kiss on the cheek...I'm a mama. That's what my heart is and that's what the world is in desperate need of right now. Kids need mamas to speak into their life, to give them hugs and make them cookies. And that's what I like to do....for everyone. Okay, so as far as the cookies go, I still have to read the recipe on the back of the chocolate chips, but they do turn out good.

~I'm supposed to be praying. Instead of criticizing. We have some people, quite a few actually, that have some pretty heavy things going on in their lives. Sometimes it's easy for me to see how they can fix it. Then it's easy for me to go quickly to criticizing them for not doing it my way. God's been pretty clear that my prayers are the most powerful thing I can do and after I do that I need to leave things in God's hands.

So I was just thinking even after talking about my purpose and our purpose and all that at the retreat, I am realizing that I still have a lot to learn.

....and isn't it funny how we learn stuff so well while we teach it?

....and isn't it crazy how we find our purpose by living it?

....and (just one more thing) isn't it cool how our healing, wholeness and power comes, not when we're sitting waiting for it, but when we're seeking to serve others?

Yep, that's "it".

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15

Off Again

First of all keep praying for my friend Amy and her husband who's in a coma after a motorcross accident. She's updating her blog daily now and seriously I can't get through a post with tears in my eyes! Go visit Ramblings of a Root to join people in prayer and see the story unfold.

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And yep, I'm off again...

Well, tomorrow, but as it approaches I'm really feeling the hours counting down quickly.

Hours to do loads of laundry.

Hours to finish writing my talk for Saturday night.

Hours to grocery shop, pack, clean, you get the idea.

Not enough hours....

I am getting excited about my talk though....and nervous. I know that if you've read my blog for awhile you would think I did this a lot but if you know me in real life you would know that I'm actually pretty quiet and have a hard time even speaking up about things in a group.

It is definitely one of those things that just gets better with practice though. I don't visibly shake anymore...at least I don't think I do.

Anyway, the theme this weekend is "For Such A Time As This" and we're using the book of Esther to show women the process of preparation, positioning and purpose. Although the three people speaking will probably talk about all of those things we're each supposed to focus on one aspect and mine is purpose.

That might sound kind of easy since all I would have to do is find my old copy of "The Purpose Driven Life" and quote random chapters, but I like to complicate things:)

I don't even remember the Purpose Driven Life but I do remember the first line...."It's not about you..." I know what the author was getting at. That we should stop figuring out our purpose with our self-centered ideas and focus on God since our lives were His plan.

But I think our purpose is somewhat about us. It's about us being reflections of the gospel of grace, or in other words our purpose is about us reflecting Jesus. That's such a simple message but one I think we take forgranted. We (I) tend to over complicate life, over intellectualize God, or just forget about it.

But when I was thinking and praying about what to share this weekend I just kept coming back to the simple message of the gospel.

My friend and I were talking and despite the fact that I'm going to be talking this weekend about love, Jesus, etc. I was kind of going off about a particular mother who has a boy in Emma's class. The mom drinks all day and I was saying how it is so sad that her son is not properly cared for.

My friend told me the story of this woman who grew up in an environment filled with drugs and abuse and then chose that for her own life as well. God brought her to a Christian organization because she was homeless and had been kicked out of the local women's shelter. Well, it's been three years and she's off the streets and graduating from the community college as a certified drug and alcohol dependency counselor. She said of the organization "They loved me until I loved myself".

Wow, that could totally be the mom I was criticizing!

And God totally did that for us!

So, a part of reflecting the gospel is remembering how exactly God loved us until we loved ourselves, or if we aren't there yet (c'mon none of us are completely there) surrendering to that process and surrendering to His love. And then we're supposed to do that for others.

Simple but hard right?

Well, I've also been learning about the fruits of the spirit and the thing about fruit is that the tree doesn't put forth effort to grow it. An apple tree produces apples because it's an apple tree. That's it...

The first fruit of the spirit is love and if we're filled with God like we're supposed to be as His children, love is going to be produced in our lives without effort.

So, that's along the lines of what I'm going to share this weekend. I get to go last so I can also add in a bunch of stuff, repeating and reiterating what the other two speakers said so that's taking a lot of my stress away about this.

If I don't get the chance to write tomorrow, be praying for me please. And have a good weekend!

It Feels Like The End Of An Era...

Actually I just finished my diary. I am an avid journaler and feel like it's an essential aspect of my emotional, mental and spiritual health, not to mention it really helps because of my horrible memory, and as I got down to the last few pages in my diary my entries started to look like this...(these one liners are whole entries)

February 23rd: "I hate not fitting in."

March 1st: "I am so frustrated!"

March 3rd: "I guess I'm having a difficult time finishing entries lately..."

I think I was feeling like for what would probably be my last entry I should write something big. Some big "aha" moment and nothing was coming to mind. I definitely didn't want to end it on a negative note...

I do think that someday my daughters might enjoy reading my journals and although I write freely for the most part, keeping that in mind helps me try to see the good in things that I write and not to dwell too long on negative emotions...which is a good thing!

Anyway, I'll share most of my last entry with you mostly because it tells the whole story of the retreat and I wrote it when everything was fresh in my mind. Here you go...

April 25th: The Lord brought me to a womens retreat this last weekend. I actually just walked in the door. So now I have something big to write;) And sort of conclusive I suppose...

I left on Friday morning feeling fragmented, with heavy burdens and heavy eyes sooo wanting to cry.

Actually something happened on the way over there and my left eye started bothering me and watering terribly. By that evening I had to remove my contact but left the other one in so I could at least see. Seeing clearly out of one eye is first of all frustrating, but during the night session of worship and sharing I started to feel light headed and my ears started ringing. By the time it ended and everyone got up to go have dessert I felt like I was going to pass out.

I took the other contact out and laid down to calm my heart which was racing by this point. When I felt like I could stand I went up to bed, blind and frustrated. I felt like some amazing things were shared, heart wrenching things as well, and I had not been fully there for those women! I felt like I was under the enemy's attack or something!

Hmmm...I do believe that nothing can touch me and God's children that's not ordained by Himself and also He works everything for the good according to His purposes.

I heard the stories that I needed to hear. The rest was tuned out by my distractedness...

The next day I was able to put my contacts in and I spent time with a few of the ladies but enjoyed getting to know one in particular. Her name was Lynn. We had some similar circumstances in our lives that it gave us the opportunity to connect on a much needed deeper level.

One of the things that we got to talking about was how each of us were once single moms and how we would take our children places. She said how she didn't let not having a husband stop her from taking her son on trips to Disneyland, the zoo and other family oriented places. We also agreed that we always were looking for a husband to fill the empty spot on our adventure. The spot that we tried hard to mask for our little ones.

Lynn said "If we, looking in hindsight, can see how perfect things were, why don't we realize that about how things are now?" Wow! That penetrated my heart to the core and I started to cry and told her that was exactly what I needed to get out of the whole retreat. We both cried more and talked more, opening up in a way only God could plan for me.

I felt light seep into the cracks and crevices of my soul and suddenly my eyes didn't feel so heavy and the urge to cry disappeared.

The evening session was good and I was able to share some things that were on my heart about grace and the healing that I've experienced in my life over the last couple of years. I shared the verse about God's grace being sufficient and His power being made perfect in weakness.

The evening was so sweet.

This morning I woke up and while I got ready in the bathroom I thought of everything shared during the weekend. It was pretty amazing because what I did hear on Friday were things that I remember about my own past. God wanted me to be ministered to and just spend some time receiving the beautiful view from the mountaintop so to speak. He has carried me far.

I love the verse in Isaiah 43 about going through water but not being overcome, going through the fire but not being burned. He paid for my ransom because He loves me.

The thought is overwhelming.

Also with the older women there I see that He's not done with me yet. That there's hope and a future and the things we're walking through right now (the perfect things because they are part of God's plan) are going to eventually end but I can choose to have joy right now....and peace.

I'm feeling very full of love and grace at the moment and my prayer is that it spills out and positively affects the lives around me.

I'm looking back and I've been writing in this journal for three years now. In some ways I feel like I've taken some steps forward and some steps back but I rest knowing that God has me in His hands.

So there you go:) Sorry that some of that was repeated.

Oh and this is kind of strange. I for one don't believe in coincidences and realize I probably drive people crazy coming up with themes and theories but get this...when my eyes were having problems it just seemed so weird and I kept asking God what was going on. I kept thinking of Paul being blinded on the road to Damascus. That's about all the information I can give you about that because I haven't read that story for awhile, but the thought was there nevertheless.

Then I got home and my kids had gone to church with my mom that morning. They showed me these colorfully scribbled paper plate masks and my mom told me they were learning about Paul being blinded on the road to Damascus! They had holes cut out for the eyes and they covered them up to see what it would be like to be blind! Isn't that weird?! I don't know what that means but like I said I don't believe in coincidences;)

Now I need to go search for a new journal!

It's Good NOT To Be Numb

This post wont be too long. I'm tired! Too much relaxation for me;)



I am excited to actually tell you about the weekend but I have to tell you just now about the epiphany that came to me as I was kinda summing things up in my mind.

It's good to feel!



So often when going through difficult things, painful things, depressing things, I wish to either skip through it, numb myself or escape into distractions, but feeling that pain helps me feel the love as well.

Isn't it funny how aha moments also kind of come with a "well duh..."?



This weekend with it being a pretty small group of women of different ages and backgrounds, I felt like I got a view of my life in whole. I mean, there's a lot more I could go into, but overall, I saw my past in some of the younger girls and felt the pain they were going through in beginning to deal with the reality of life pretty much. I also saw the older women who had been through stuff and gotten through it and their suffering made them beautiful.

Overall it was all beautiful because we were all feeling it. There were tears of pain and laughter as well. Genuine 7th grade slumber party laughter that went on until our awaiting ice cream sundays took priority.

I'll tell you more later, but today I really need to rest from all that rest.

Enjoy the pictures though. Seriously isn't this gorgeous?!?

My Bags Are Packed

Well not really, I still have some packing to do. C'mon, I'm a save it to the last minute kind of girl.

I guess that's not entirely fair to myself. When I leave for anywhere there's a lot to be done. Planning meals, grocery shopping, planning my family's schedule (usually not to be followed but it's there if they need it), sometimes making meals (in this case a huge pot of chili), laundry (cuz it won't be done while I'm gone), picking out clothes for church...basically you get the idea. Sometimes it's more work to go.

But did I even say where I'm going?

A Women's Retreat in a quaint little Bavarian town just on the other side of the mountains.

A restful weekend with 14 other ladies who are all old friends.

This isn't my churches retreat. That's next month. But sometimes when you're on the ministry team and you help put the retreat together, it's not exactly restful.

So, this wonderful woman who I consider one of my other mothers, thought of me, invited me this weekend and paid my way.

So this weekend I'm looking forward to spending time with the girls, enjoying the what is forcasted to be beautiful weather...

journaling....

...relaxing in a hot tub, overlooking the river...(here's a picture of my new swim suit. It's cute and flattering...finally, I've been looking years for this).

See you Monday:)

Barefeet in Fields of Wildflowers

I did spend some time in contemplation yesterday and also worked on what I want to share at our upcoming women's retreat...yep, my procrastinating self is ahead of schedule people!

Anyway, I was wanting to write a short story or poem to illustrate some points and what I wrote happens to fit pretty closely with my blog's theme. Also, when I was on the second to the last paragraph I realized that this was really for a dear friend of mine. A friend who's been through trial after trial this past year and also happened to name her baby daughter Grace. Okay, here ya go...

Barefeet in Fields of Wildflowers

Emerging from the darkened forest her bare feet touch the soil still damp with dew. Closing her eyes, she listens again for the whisper of her name. She heard it before, deep in the forest, but now it’s been replaced by the roar of the wind blowing up from the valley below.

Carefully, she steps away from the trees and the roar changes again to whispers against the tall grass and wildflowers. The breeze is warm against her freckled skin and bare legs, hinting at Indian summer.

She opens her eyes and her heart springs forth inside of her responding once again to being called to this place.

Droplets glisten on fiery red poppies as they send glory to the sun. Purple clovers dance in the breeze and violet blue bells ring up and down in a beautiful symphony of color and diamonds.

Tears escape as, amid the display, the desire of her heart threatens to consume the life within her.

What is your desire my child? She hears and her heart cries “Love.”

The warmth of the air envelopes the girl as she trembles in the Presence.

She knows the hands that hold her are pierced through.

She knows the tears she feels anointing her head have waited patiently and lovingly for so long.

My delight is in you, He speaks her name again and healing rushes in like a hurricane.

When you passed through the waters, I was with you. I didn’t allow them to consume you. When you walked through the fire, you were not burned, nor scorched by the flames. You are mine and I love you. I sold cities to pay for you.

As if awakening from a dream she looks up. The wind has taken the various flower seeds and scattered them further down the mountain. Flurries of dust go every which way and as shadows creep through the field, the petals start to come together for evening prayer.

The girl wipes warm tears from her cheeks and gently cradles her abdomen, just starting to swell.

“I know your name my daughter,” she whispers as she feels the life growing within her.

“Your name is Grace.”