Still Long Enough To Listen

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10a

He who has ears, let him hear. But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it. Matthew 13:9, 16-17


My house is super still right now. The sun in shining beautifully on what was supposed to be a rainy day. My two older girls are helping at the Annual Boxcar Derby, hoping to raise some money for camp. My middle child is playing outside with her friend and my two youngest are sleeping off their sugar crashes upstairs (we just got back from a birthday party). The house is quiet.

I think it's a part of our culture to love noise and I usually fill up quiet times like this with at least the radio.

But with constant noise when do we have time in our going going lives to just be?

There are two activities that encourage me to be still. Reading and journaling. Well, going for walks in the country is a close third. Reading usually leads me to quiet reflection or contemplation and journaling is a great way to listen because I write down what I've heard.

This is an entry from a few months ago that kind of came out of a desperate prayer. I was in desperate need of some time to be still.

"Dreary day, depressed mood, lacking motivation, headache, so much built up, how do I speak? How do I write? Aching heart..." (I couldn't even form complete sentences!) "Lord I have nothing without you, but why does saying that feel hollow and fake? I need to know today how you view me because I'm feeling like I'm all wrong. Like I'm too much. My emotions, my thirst, my hunger, my longings and desires. It's too much. But not good enough at the same time. I'm deflating...

What is your answer?"

Come my daughter into the sun. Warm your face and stay awhile. Feel me wash over you satisfying your emptiness. Filling it beyond what you can imagine. Rest in me and close your eyes while I fill you with my love. Lay everything aside and in my love abide. Draw near and listen to the sound of my voice as I sing sweet melodies over your aching heart. I am the healer and I'll mend your wounds. I'll calm your fears. I'll give you new dreams from my mind and my heart. You've heard your name when I called you so very long ago, my delight is in you. When you wander I breathe your name, in the gentle whisper of the wind it rides. Listen and I will give you freedom. Listen and you'll see my face.

It Feels Like The End Of An Era...

Actually I just finished my diary. I am an avid journaler and feel like it's an essential aspect of my emotional, mental and spiritual health, not to mention it really helps because of my horrible memory, and as I got down to the last few pages in my diary my entries started to look like this...(these one liners are whole entries)

February 23rd: "I hate not fitting in."

March 1st: "I am so frustrated!"

March 3rd: "I guess I'm having a difficult time finishing entries lately..."

I think I was feeling like for what would probably be my last entry I should write something big. Some big "aha" moment and nothing was coming to mind. I definitely didn't want to end it on a negative note...

I do think that someday my daughters might enjoy reading my journals and although I write freely for the most part, keeping that in mind helps me try to see the good in things that I write and not to dwell too long on negative emotions...which is a good thing!

Anyway, I'll share most of my last entry with you mostly because it tells the whole story of the retreat and I wrote it when everything was fresh in my mind. Here you go...

April 25th: The Lord brought me to a womens retreat this last weekend. I actually just walked in the door. So now I have something big to write;) And sort of conclusive I suppose...

I left on Friday morning feeling fragmented, with heavy burdens and heavy eyes sooo wanting to cry.

Actually something happened on the way over there and my left eye started bothering me and watering terribly. By that evening I had to remove my contact but left the other one in so I could at least see. Seeing clearly out of one eye is first of all frustrating, but during the night session of worship and sharing I started to feel light headed and my ears started ringing. By the time it ended and everyone got up to go have dessert I felt like I was going to pass out.

I took the other contact out and laid down to calm my heart which was racing by this point. When I felt like I could stand I went up to bed, blind and frustrated. I felt like some amazing things were shared, heart wrenching things as well, and I had not been fully there for those women! I felt like I was under the enemy's attack or something!

Hmmm...I do believe that nothing can touch me and God's children that's not ordained by Himself and also He works everything for the good according to His purposes.

I heard the stories that I needed to hear. The rest was tuned out by my distractedness...

The next day I was able to put my contacts in and I spent time with a few of the ladies but enjoyed getting to know one in particular. Her name was Lynn. We had some similar circumstances in our lives that it gave us the opportunity to connect on a much needed deeper level.

One of the things that we got to talking about was how each of us were once single moms and how we would take our children places. She said how she didn't let not having a husband stop her from taking her son on trips to Disneyland, the zoo and other family oriented places. We also agreed that we always were looking for a husband to fill the empty spot on our adventure. The spot that we tried hard to mask for our little ones.

Lynn said "If we, looking in hindsight, can see how perfect things were, why don't we realize that about how things are now?" Wow! That penetrated my heart to the core and I started to cry and told her that was exactly what I needed to get out of the whole retreat. We both cried more and talked more, opening up in a way only God could plan for me.

I felt light seep into the cracks and crevices of my soul and suddenly my eyes didn't feel so heavy and the urge to cry disappeared.

The evening session was good and I was able to share some things that were on my heart about grace and the healing that I've experienced in my life over the last couple of years. I shared the verse about God's grace being sufficient and His power being made perfect in weakness.

The evening was so sweet.

This morning I woke up and while I got ready in the bathroom I thought of everything shared during the weekend. It was pretty amazing because what I did hear on Friday were things that I remember about my own past. God wanted me to be ministered to and just spend some time receiving the beautiful view from the mountaintop so to speak. He has carried me far.

I love the verse in Isaiah 43 about going through water but not being overcome, going through the fire but not being burned. He paid for my ransom because He loves me.

The thought is overwhelming.

Also with the older women there I see that He's not done with me yet. That there's hope and a future and the things we're walking through right now (the perfect things because they are part of God's plan) are going to eventually end but I can choose to have joy right now....and peace.

I'm feeling very full of love and grace at the moment and my prayer is that it spills out and positively affects the lives around me.

I'm looking back and I've been writing in this journal for three years now. In some ways I feel like I've taken some steps forward and some steps back but I rest knowing that God has me in His hands.

So there you go:) Sorry that some of that was repeated.

Oh and this is kind of strange. I for one don't believe in coincidences and realize I probably drive people crazy coming up with themes and theories but get this...when my eyes were having problems it just seemed so weird and I kept asking God what was going on. I kept thinking of Paul being blinded on the road to Damascus. That's about all the information I can give you about that because I haven't read that story for awhile, but the thought was there nevertheless.

Then I got home and my kids had gone to church with my mom that morning. They showed me these colorfully scribbled paper plate masks and my mom told me they were learning about Paul being blinded on the road to Damascus! They had holes cut out for the eyes and they covered them up to see what it would be like to be blind! Isn't that weird?! I don't know what that means but like I said I don't believe in coincidences;)

Now I need to go search for a new journal!

My Bags Are Packed

Well not really, I still have some packing to do. C'mon, I'm a save it to the last minute kind of girl.

I guess that's not entirely fair to myself. When I leave for anywhere there's a lot to be done. Planning meals, grocery shopping, planning my family's schedule (usually not to be followed but it's there if they need it), sometimes making meals (in this case a huge pot of chili), laundry (cuz it won't be done while I'm gone), picking out clothes for church...basically you get the idea. Sometimes it's more work to go.

But did I even say where I'm going?

A Women's Retreat in a quaint little Bavarian town just on the other side of the mountains.

A restful weekend with 14 other ladies who are all old friends.

This isn't my churches retreat. That's next month. But sometimes when you're on the ministry team and you help put the retreat together, it's not exactly restful.

So, this wonderful woman who I consider one of my other mothers, thought of me, invited me this weekend and paid my way.

So this weekend I'm looking forward to spending time with the girls, enjoying the what is forcasted to be beautiful weather...

journaling....

...relaxing in a hot tub, overlooking the river...(here's a picture of my new swim suit. It's cute and flattering...finally, I've been looking years for this).

See you Monday:)