Summer

I walk along the beach lost inside of my thoughts when a fragment of white stands out in the step ahead of me. A perfect white spiralled shell, once home to a little crab, but now grabs me and pulls me in.

Beauty before me as I make my way inland at the bay, seeing trees and fields, jungle and savannah. A flock of birds come up from the grass in one giant movement after a stop and pause of serene silence. The sun glistens over the hillside speckleed with houses which I ignore. Behind me is the water, the glistening calm bay over shallow sand.

I take the small shell and begin to look for others. I realize that it was placed there for me. A calling back out of my thoughts, to the beauty and life that surround.

Staying in the spiral is comforting; a drug of thoughts and dreams and desires unknown by anyone apart from God. A little hermit, content to stay.

I have a feeling healing will break forth. The peacefulness of the sea has that effect. I decide to spend many days of this summer here at this beach.

Saying I'm Sorry...

I really should have kept my mouth shut...



I'm in trouble with everyone today. Yesterday was going so good. I got to get to know a friend a little better in the morning. The sun was shining beautifully. We had sold some big junk that was taking up ridiculous amounts of garage space. We loaded up the rest in five HUGE garbage bags (those industrial ones) to take to the Goodwill.

Yep, I was feeling good. Then it happened. This girl is back in the neighborhood because she got suspended from sports for drinking and having bad grades. This girl has hurt my daughter. This girl makes out with boys in front of my house on the play ground. This girl wears her bikini and short shorts all summer again at the play ground. Can you tell I don't like this girl very much?

Well, guess what! She's 13...

Most of the reasons I don't like her have to do with wanting to protect my own kids and I've really struggled with going between that and knowing that I should love her because Jesus does.

Long ago I said "I want to be the mom that everyone can come to. I want to be the house that everyone wants to hang out at." But seriously, when it comes down to it, that is not an easy thing to be.

Other people seem to do it but I'm sure those other people don't have the control issues that I've had or something. I don't know. I really want to say they are just better Christians than me.

So anyway, out of my frustration yesterday I said the above mentioned girl was acting like (well something that rhymes with 'but'). It got back to her. And I caused a 13 year old girl to go home crying.

Yep, that's me.

And to make things worse my first thoughts were along the lines of "well she shouldn't behave like one..."

Then I felt really bad! Like really really bad!

I'm going to have her come over and apologize sincerely when she gets home from school and I'm going to refrain from the "well you just shouldn't act like that..." lecture.

Talk about having to practice what I preach. I really believe that we should treat all people like they are sweet innocent little children, no matter where they are in life. We are called to "speak the truth in love" and that means seeing people's true selves, as in who God created them to be, and helping them to see that person as well.

Pray for me to calm this wild fire I started and that this will bring about something completely positive in this little girl and me and this neighborhood and town we live in.

Happy Monday;0)

Thankful...

First of all, My BFF is hosting a week of giveaways leading up to her 500th post! Today she's giving away a cute homemade coffee cup holder and there's a ton of ways you can enter to win, so go on over and visit Megan at INfertile Myrtle.

Do you like to win stuff? I came across another giveaway at Pretties and Posies. Love this site and love this painting!


Don't you?

* * *

So yesterday I kept having this weird feeling come over me. I'd be going about my day, making lunches, reading stories and wiping noses and then there it would be out of nowhere.

I was feeling thankful!

Last night I reflected on this sudden effortless bout of contentment and decided I better make note of this feeling on this here blog...

My husband is traveling across the State (seriously, clear to the other side) for work, but I am so thankful that he has some work.

Also speaking of my husband, he had his guys group last night. Him and a group of guys meet every other week at a Pub and share their lives over a beer. I love that he has a group of real Christian men who can be there for him, encourage him and hold him accountable in ways that I can't as a wife.

I also love that every other week I get to meet with the wives and do the same thing.

I'm thankful for the town we live in and that sometimes I hear what's going on in the world and feel like we're miles and miles away from it all. Not that this place is perfect, but it is a place where people know each other and talk to each other at the grocery store and the post office and the park and the school and the churches.

I'm thankful for my kids and the opportunity I have to influence them right now, especially my growing girls who are letting me know daily that they're not going to be here forever. Imagine not realizing that until they're gone, which I'm sure is true for me on some level, but still I have an idea and am trying to make this time count.

Not to sound redundant but I'm so thankful for my husband. He's truly my best friend and although he's probably completely different than how I imagined him to be at 12, he's a hundred times better and our marriage is also better. Seriously, my girlhood dreams of prince charming pale in comparison to this life of mine.

This is something kind of new but I can truly say at this point that I'm thankful for the hardships we've faced over the last couple of years. I couldn't always. Well, maybe I could at points of clarity but for awhile they were few and far between. Suddenly (and I believe it happened at the beginning of this year) I feel like I'm living my life with clarity. Sadly it happened with some of the most difficult things I'd faced at all, like friends leaving and loneliness, bitterness and hurt threatening everything. I guess I could share more about it later, but I'll just say I was in bed, completely depressed and shut off from the world, but God found me there and ministered to my broken heart.

Whoa! I didn't mean to go there! It's pretty amazing, I always find that when I start writing or speaking what I'm thankful for, more and more floods my mind and soon I'm in this place of peace, contentment and yep, tears!

Last but not least I am thankful for blogger's autosave! Right after I typed the word tears the computer shut off in a windy power outage. I was so happy to see this was still here when it came back on:)

So what are you thankful for today?

Won't You Please, Please Help Me?

In the words of the Beattles "Help me if you can, I'm feeling down. And I do appreciate you being 'round. Help me get my feet back on the ground. Won't you please, please help me?"

Okay, so I'm not so sure about my timing for this post. If you are reading this today you are probably feeling like relaxing for the weekend. And I realize these pictures that I'm about to show you are not relaxing to look at!

But here we go into another weekend, a whole workweek has gone by, and I'd love to have everything done, the house clean, things organized, so that our family can go off and enjoy this beautiful Northwest weather and not have to worry about finding a clean matching outfit for church on Sunday morning!

I am having a laundry crisis! It was just a laundry problem, but my ideas for making this work, in a house with seven people, as an organizationally challenged individual, have turned into more of a path toward insanity!

Yes, I had to pry the door open, although I was tempted just to leave it shut and stay outside. Scary huh? And don't mind the gross old 70's flooring. Soon, that will change:)

I'm an oldest child and according to Kevin Leman, and my self-diagnosis, I am a "discouraged perfectionist" with emphasis on the discouraged part at the moment! I like to work with systems when it comes to house cleaning. My usual one is that I start at one end and work my way to the other. My husband thinks it's funny to watch as I move my piles from coffee table to dining table to kitchen counters before I eventually put things where they go. But it works.

My laundry system is NOT working! My plan was to wash my husbands, mine, Ruby's and Brayden's clothes on Monday. They'd be washed, folded and put away. Tuesday I am only home in the afternoon, so I'd wash Emma's clothes and any bedding that's needing it and after school Azzie and Shariah would each wash their own clothes. Again they'd all be folded and put away the same day. Wednesday was for getting caught up on anything I missed. The other days theoretically I would be only doing laundry on a need to wear basis and most likely washing a load each day. Sound a little crazy? Are you confused?

So, it's been about six weeks and that system has failed over and over. Now it's Friday and my laundry room looks like these pictures (they were taken last week so there is your proof that this cycle is repeating itself!)

Yeah, what is the definition of insanity? Trying the same thing and expecting different results right? Where did that definition of insanity come from anyway?? Just wondering...

This is my "folding table". I've since taken out the table, unloaded most of the stuff on it at the Goodwill, and my husband is going to be installing lower cabinets, so how can I make sure they don't ever look like this??

I would love my bedroom to be my place of rest and relaxation. But how, when there's always clothes to fold and socks to match...

This is a chair that would be so relaxing to sit in a curl up with a good book...if it wasn't piled with clean clothes...always...

So, I need help. Advice. Seriously I give up! Or I need cheap laundry service to come and do this for me.

I need encouragement too. I mentioned that I was discouraged and it's so true. I seriously want to close the door of the laundry room and announce that we're becoming nudists. I think Ruby and Brayden and maybe even Emma would absolutely love that idea, but no one else is going to go for that. They might ship me off somewhere...hmmm...sounds nice...

Just Plain Cranky!

I was planning a rather humiliating post for today, but I think it's going to have to wait until tomorrow....

I'll give you a hint...

I include some very embarrassing pictures that might make anyone left reading my blog stop clicking on me...

Except for you Megan. I know you love me no matter what:)

I was planning on posting about my "home crisis" (there's another hint), but last night and this morning I was in such a horrible stinkin' mood that I chickened out...

I was seriously grumpy and you know how a little grumpiness quickly turns into a slippery steep slide downhill? That's where I was. Little things turned into more little things and then it all seemed pretty big and I ended up putting myself to bed after I got the kids all tucked in.

I opened my bible with the question "What is the point of any of this????" I felt like I should read Isaiah 55 (always good) so I turned there.

Here's what spoke to me:


8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."

I went to bed vowing to make changes that can start with myself. I'm working on that today so I'll let you know how I do tomorrow:)

Glimpse of Love

There is a prayer that God loves to answer and I used to actually feel guilty for needing to pray this but now I'm learning to ask for it on a regular basis. I pray for him to show me tangible love. For too long I settled for the mere concept of God’s love, like knowing about it and thinking that’s all there was. I felt like I should be above needing to see it in this world that we live in.

But God doesn’t want us to just know that his unconditional love exists, He wants to show us! I experienced this a couple of weeks ago when I was super down and depressed at church. I’d probably been feeling that way all week, but it became the most apparent when the preacher was preaching about good things, the worship music was playing lovely songs, people around me were happy and I wanted to roll my eyes, shrink into a corner and cry. Melodramatic as usual you may be thinking.

I was so empty. Too empty to put on a nice smile and say hi to friends on the way out. Too empty to sing and definitely too empty to see any people around me who may be hurting and in need of a friend. If things didn’t change in me soon the ride home from church was bound to be “super fun” for my whole family.

So I prayed and asked God to give me a sign that He even loved me. It was too desperate to even analyze and think that what I was asking was selfish. I was too desperate to gather a list together in my mind of different things that God could do for me right then to show his love. I was asking and I didn’t care how he answered, I just needed something!

Blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall see the Kingdom of God. Matthew 5:3

Right after I prayed that I saw an old friend with her husband and new baby. I hadn’t seen them in months and as soon as the singing ended I made my way over there…she had a brand new baby and even if I’m feeling lower than low I will make time for a baby!

We talked for a little while and she told me that when they were talking about visiting the church the main reason was that they wanted to see me and my husband! She is NOT the type of person to say things that she knows you want to hear and how could she have known that I wanted to hear that anyway??

She also asked the dreaded question after seeing through my “I’m doing fine…” (said through gritted teeth). She said “How are you really doing???” Ahhh, I totally broke down and cried and spilled out how I was really doing...

On the ride home though I felt amazing at that tangible showing of God’s love to me.

Have you ever read “The Five Love Languages”? That book revolutionized my thinking when we were first married. I remember, at some point in our first year of marriage, my husband saying “Do you even love me???” I was like “Of course, how could you even ask that? I cook for you; I pick up your dirty clothes without complaining! I rub your back in the evening and wake up early to make you coffee and lunch!” He said “But you never tell me what you think of me, you say ‘I love you’ but you never say more than that…”

My husband was needing words of affirmation (his main love language) and I was pouring on him acts of service (mine). The idea was completely novel to me but it made sense and I admitted that I wasn't feeling too loved myself, since I was feeling like I was doing more for him and internalizing my complaints... At first the words of affirmation were completely forced and unnatural but the more I said them the more easily they came. I realized that I didn’t have to make every affirmation sound like a greeting card and actually the way I talk to my husband is pretty similar to the way I talk to my son, LOL... "You are such a big strong man…show me those muscles”. He loves it, imagine that!

God created us to love and be loved in ways that we can feel deep in our hearts. He also wants to be a part of that so he also wants to show us love in the language that speaks to us.

So this week I was feeling a little low once again and I said that same prayer. And God has this time rained down on me His love. Mostly in the way of people I’ve talked to. I’ve had several conversations in the last few days that have gone into the deep almost immediately. I’ve been able to open up about things that I really needed to and these other women have either opened up about things to me (which always blesses me) or have poured positive things into me. Saying that prayer and waiting for God to answer I believe helped me to receive things that they were saying.

Grace is around us all the time and sometimes our eyes just need to be opened to it.

Something else happened that was pretty cool. I really have needed a toddler bed for Brayden and we don’t have the money to buy one right now. I’ve prayed for one and asked people on facebook, but couldn’t find one. I was just thinking of ways to go and buy one because someone gave us a new bed for Ruby. I thought about using it for Brayden, but it’s pretty girly.

It occurred to me though yesterday that when I set up this bed for Ruby we’ll have an extra twin mattress and I wondered what I was going to do with it. Then yesterday afternoon a friend on Facebook (actually my Zumba instructor…I don’t really know her) said she was needing a twin sized mattress and she would trade a toddler bed!

This might just seem like a nice coincidence to most people, but I take everything personally and love to see God’s hand work.

I know this post is already very long but I just want to post these lyrics to a song by Jennifer Knapp from her album “Kansas”…

“All the chistles I've dulled carving idols of stone

That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.

I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand

just to watch, them all wash away.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I see.

And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand

You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well

I have thrown like stones to the sea.

I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly for a faith

To be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I see.

And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand

You're the only one who's faithful to me.

You're the only one who's faithful to me.”

Back on the Blog

I've been so sporadic over the last couple of months that I don't blame you if you just roll your eyes and shake your head at the thought of me and anything I would have to say. I don't blame ya!

I needed a break....from everything! Of course, that's impossible...I'm a mom. I get a break when I have laundry so backed up I have to make a trip with a car load of clothes to the laundry mat, and isn't that nice?!? Well at certain times it's nice and other times you'd think you stepped into an episode of Blind Date. Yeah, Friday nights I stay away:(

I'll tell you later why I had to stay away for so long. I'll also go into more details about what's going on now. For now you some small tidbits of what I've been up to...

A kitchen remodel. I can't stop smiling when I go in there and look. This has been long coming and really long coming since we have had all the materials sitting in our garage blocking my way to our meat freezer! It's going to be beautiful. New cabinets, new flooring, a new more open floor plan. A big new refer and beautiful granite counter tops. We are going somewhat economical on this whole deal so my new kitchen might not look like every one's dream, but I can't wait.

I'm once again on a "Daniel fast". I did it last year for the first three weeks in January and although my life didn't automatically get rained on by God's blessings...or has it and I've been unaware??? but it was one of those things where you just know you are being obedient and that's a blessing in itself. I WILL post more about this over the next few days, especially because of what I've been learning about food. A daniel fast is basically like eating in the Garden of Eden. I'm sure I'll be able to post this years positive results soon, but last year I remember having so much extra energy and feeling so good. My husband remembers me chasing him around the house looking for loves! Seriously, it's amazing what some extra energy can do for a girl! Right now I'm feeling my body detoxify itself and it's not exactly fun! Well either I'm detoxing or discovering that beans are not really my friend...

I've had a lot of heaviness on my heart too. My Christmas was not so much fun and the couple weeks after and before weren't that great either. I mean, we had a lovely Christmas and I was really happy with our kids and all, but I just had something else going on. I'll probably share a little more about that.

So aren't you glad I came back with nothing but teasers?!?

My new years resolutions are this...1. eat better, 2. love better and 3. write!

Happy New Year!

Jesus Calling

It was so hot yesterday and I was in such a bad mood. Partly because of the heat I'm sure and also just having too much to do and ABSOLUTELY NO energy!

My low point came late in the afternoon. My girls were all gone, my husband has been gone all weekend, my little boy was sleeping and I was staring at my sink full of dishes.

That was it, all I could handle. I broke down and started sobbing. Suddenly the tears that had been waiting to spill over all came at once and I found myself incredibly weighed down by it all.

I sat down on the floor and just prayed "Jesus, please help."

When I looked up and out of my kitchen window toward the East I cast my eyes on the sky suddenly darkened with clouds.

Rain!

"Oh thank you Jesus!"

I went and woke up Brayden and carried him in his diaper to the car. I was needing to pick Emma and Ruby up from a birthday party anyway, so we set out and I drove straight into those dark clouds waiting for the first drops to hit my car windshield.

(If you are reading this and you're not from Washington I may sound a little ridiculous at this point...the fact is Northwest people just do not ever fully acclimate themselves to either extreme of heat or cold.)

I picked Emma and Ruby up from their birthday party and headed further east. It had already been raining, but now I was looking for lightning and listening for thunder.

I was chasing the storm! (Okay, I'll admit now, it was ridiculous).

The truth is I was feeling so down and dark and I wanted a distraction, and some BIG answer from the Lord about my feelings. (Am I the only one who has been there?)

So here I am chasing a storm and dragging my kids along for the ride and this song comes on the radio. One of those songs that I have not really listened to before yesterday.

Jesus Calling by 33 Miles:

When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
You’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice saying
It’s okay you’re not alone
You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling


What do you see when you look at your world today
Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray
Well start by counting your blessings one by one
Oh and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice

Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine

I sometimes feel irritated by the "Christian" act of counting your blessings, but there is something to it...a lot to it!

So I did, and I started by repositioning my rear view mirror for a second to see the quiet faces of three of my biggest blessings riding behind me (quiet because they were eating candy from the party - it didn't last long). I'll be honest in that sometimes my kids do NOT feel like blessings. They always are though, even in the moments when they are "teaching me something".

I woke up feeling so much better today and even though it's hot, I feel in it the bright light of my Father.

Even though the sink is once again full!

A little drama just for fun

Last week we had some drama go down around here. I'll just start at the beginning.

Two Friday's ago my husband and I settled down for the night with glasses of wine and a movie (yes that's what we do pretty much every Friday) when my husband got a call from a good friend (JJ) to say that his building site had been robbed. All of his tools had been stolen and his new dirt bike (Lots of thousands of dollars here). My husband had been keeping his dirt bike over there and his was left laying in the dirt for some reason.

My husband, being the manly man he is, jumped up, grabbed his shotgun! and told me he loved me before he was running out the door to help JJ. I waited around and soon he called to say that they were going to wait for the robbers to come back while hiding in a camper, and when they came back to take his dirt bike they would "run out, unload some shotgun rounds in the air, startle the guys and then pound their faces in". Yes, my good Christian husband:)

Needless to say I only got fits of sleep that night and at 5:30 my phone rang, but I was already awake and very very worried. He called to say that the plan was working, until they fell asleep around 2 am and now his bike was gone too!

Why didn't he chain it to something? His answer was "I know, I know".

I have been reading the Psalms every day and that morning I read Psalm 71:10-16 "For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together. They say, "God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him." Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me. May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace. But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone."

Now this is where the story is his and he'd have to tell you because I just kept getting little phone calls and text messages of what was going on. Basically Bill called around to all his "old" buddies and coincidently his best friend had gotten a phone call from someone trying to sell him a list of tools that sounded pretty darn familiar. The guy was someone my husband knew from growing up around here and he drove and found his house. There he found a dirt bike trail going through the grass and down to a shed.

Long story short they worked with the police and got everything back and the guys got arrested. The main guy is sitting in jail as we speak.

I guess I've been feeling very defeated lately and I've started believing that we're going to be overwhelmed with trials for the rest of our lives but Psalm 27:13 says "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

So I was reminded that day that God is for us and he has good things planned for us.

I'm back... *with an update on the prayer request*

My computer was possessed...with tons of spyware that was continuously wreaking havoc on my machine. I think it must have come from one of my girls clicking on one of those flashing "you won" banners, but who knows.

Anyway, we turned off our cable sometime around when the internet stopped working so I've felt cut off from the world. True I still had my phone, but that takes so much effort.

On the flip side I have been getting so much done around the house!

And I have been storing up endless thoughts and visions that slowly I'll have to unload on here.

Plus I got back in the habit of good old fashioned journaling. Just to give you a taste of how long I've neglected that disapline I had to tell my journal about my 5th child!

So, I'll end this post by throwing out a very important prayer request.. My friends and neighbors are fighting for custody of their neice. They've had custody of her for the past year and the mother had decided to let them adopt, but then after getting some pressure from a friend, changed her mind and decided she wants to fight it. Before my neighbors had custody of the little baby, she'd been living in a drug house, surrounded by that life and all of it's dangers. The hearing is scheduled for tomorrow so please pray!

*Update*
The court postponed the hearing to July 16th. They are basically giving the mom another chance because she didn't do what she was supposed to do. I talked to my neighbor who seemed like the unknowing part is getting to them, so if you remember pray for their peace. Their names are Adam and Becky.

Just a little test

Well this post might be a little different than usual. This has just been one crazy week and something has gone wrong with our Internet access from home.

But I am getting a lot more done around the house...go figure.

So I have resorted to typing this out at the library and it's a little difficult as I am sitting here between a crowd of junior high kids and a couple of girls are discussing their Internet "boyfriends". Let me rephrase that...one girl is talking about her "boyfriends". It's all a little distracting.

Anyway, I really want to tell you about our women's retreat that we had this last weekend at The Firs in Bellingham, WA. It was lovely. The weather was wonderful. The place was so much better than last year and I came home totally and completely exhausted! Yes, you heard me right.

A few months ago while planning the retreat the pastor's wife/ministry leader had the idea to, instead of hiring a speaker, have each of us share. Me, full of zeal, sometimes lacking in knowledge/wisdom, jumped at the opportunity to talk about what God's been doing in my life.

I really wanted to share about what we've been going through over the past year in our finances/marriage/family/hearts and when I signed up to talk I was so ready for God to perform a miracle so I could go to the retreat and say "Look what God did, he got us out of debt."

Well, sometime I started to get the clue that He was doing something a little different from what I was expecting.

I started getting it that He was wanting me to share about having peace in the midst of our circumstances.

So about a week before the retreat I'm trying to get some time to type up what I'm going to say. Not that I would sit in front of everyone reading a paper, but I just get my words out better on paper. So, it was important to prepare.

The next few days is sort of a mess so I might have things a little out of order.

First Bill wanted me to finish all of last years bookkeeping stuff and get it to the accountant for our taxes. I should have finished that a long time ago and he's been being very patient with me so I put off my retreat talk planning and did what he needed.

Then we got a very bad phone call from our bank. Our account had been frozen by LNI who was wanting a payment like two months ago. I, seeing the test, stayed remarkably calm.

Then some other stuff happened that I might fill you in on later, but for now I'll just say that it tested the hell out of our marriage and tested my feelings toward my husband. I'll just add that it had nothing to do with him at all. We were definitely being attacked by outside forces.

THEN after going on a whirlwind of damage control as far as our finances go, I finally sat down on Thursday to type up my retreat talk about having peace. I was actually impressed with myself for keeping the "right" perspective on everything and remaining calm and cool.

I was on a roll with my writing, until I left to pick up Shariah from school........

I came home to a FROZEN COMPUTER!

Let me remind you, this is Thursday and the retreat is on Friday and I'm supposed to be talking about having the peace of God in the midst of our circumstances!!!

After hours I downloaded some new security software, which discovered 38 viruses/spy ware/worms!!!

And I still could not get it to work or even print what I had or back up my bookkeeping just in case.

I tried to write it out but typing is so much easier for me and I couldn't think. Nothing was coming together. But still, I remained calm. I ended up going to bed praying and surrendering the whole thing to the Lord.

On Friday morning I woke up to a miraculously working computer. Thank the Lord I finished my talk with it coming together good enough. I did want to get up to the retreat a little early so that I'd have time to polish my words and my presentation.

I met a couple of friends and we headed up towards Bellingham. We were feeling great and so ready for a weekend of relaxing.

THEN.....on the freeway, about nine miles South of Bellingham, while driving through a windy curvy heavily treed area with very minimal shoulder room, OUR LEFT FRONT TIRE BLEW!

We pulled over on the left side, but there was not room for our car so we were sticking out in the lane.

Gone was my calmness! Gone was my peace! I hate to admit it but I panicked! I jumped from the car and ordered everyone else to follow me. I pictured someone hitting us, sending us over the guard rail and from there I wasn't sure if we'd roll and be stopped by the trees or make it completely over into the South bound lanes.

The driver who was staying calm, probably subconsciously balancing me out, talked to 911 and told me that they had told her that we needed to stay in the car.

I was so scared. I knew this was a test for my peace and I didn't even care that I was failing miserably. We all held hands as cars swerved not to hit us and I prayed/cried "God, I am really scared! I don't want to die!"

After half an hour the highway patrol came and escorted us to the other side of the freeway. He changed the tire and we were on our way.

We arrived at the retreat in the middle of dinner, with the session starting immediately after so when I finally got up to speak, after having no time to polish things up, I was still shaking.

I will tell you more about the retreat talk and the weekend later, but I will tell you now, I did NOT tell people how to stay calm during a crisis. I did talk about having the peace of God that transcends understanding.

Hmmm...

Pondering life and lots of other stuff.

Pondering so many things that it's difficult to sort them out and write about it.

One of the things I've been pondering is this...

The other day I found myself so far off from where I was supposed to be. I was trying to get to my husband's job and was driving down a beautiful highway to get there. This wasn't a main highway, just a two lane road through the country.

Then I came upon what looked like a fatal car crash. Workers and medics had obviously been there for awhile because they had time to set up cones, and an orange sign saying there was an accident ahead. I said a prayer for whoever involved and then turned my car around, not knowing where to go. I called my husband who thought the only way to get around was to go out to the main freeway and around, which would take another hour for sure.

So, I headed out on country roads, without GPS and seriously watching the sun to make sure I was at least continuing to head South.

The sun breaks were coming and going with my mood (I have to add at some point and this is as good as any that I was about to start my period). I was listening to Kari Jobe singing this...

I sing over you My song of peace/Cast all your cares down at My feet/Come
and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you/I'll bear you up on eagle's wings/And
hide you in the shadow of My strength/I'll take you to My quiet waters/I'll
restore your soul/Come rest in Me and be made whole/You're My beloved/You're My Bride/To sing over you is my delight/Come away with me my love

Then I listened to her song "Revelation Song". Here's part of it...

Clothed in rainbows, of living color/Flashes of lightning, rolls of
thunder/Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be to You the only wise
King

Holy, Holy, Holy/Is the Lord God Almighty/Who was, and is, and is to
come/With all creation/I sing Praise to the King of Kings/You are my
everything/And I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder/At the mention of your name/Jesus your
name is power/Breath, and living water/Such a marvelous mystery

With that last song I was pondering and praying and asking God where we fall in that. Then on my detour I came upon a big farm with a sign that that "Laodicea Farms". Laodicea was the church in Revelation which was lukewarm. Here's what the Lord said to the church at Laodicea...

"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: These are the words of
the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. I know
your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the
other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you
out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a
thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and
naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become
rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and
salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and
discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.
If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him,
and he with me. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my
throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has
an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." -Revelation
3:14-22

So now I sit here and ponder, those verses as well as many other things...

On another note, we visited The Outback on Friday with Emma's preschool class. No, not the steakhouse. There is a Christmas Tree/Kangaroo Farm East of Arlington. The kids fed kangaroos, wallaroos, llamas, birds, miniture donkeys, and many other animals. Here is Emma holding a baby wallaroo in a pouch. So cute, agreed?
Also I had to take some shots of this lemur who was just chillin. I thought he was subtly hysterical.

Surrender (Part Two)

The Rest of the Story

I just have to also tell you that when I made that little noted declaration to stick in my bible that was NOT the end of it. Since then I've had to lay my "Isaac" down again...and again...and yes again.

This is sort of aside from that but very much has to do with everything in life. Awhile ago I kept wishing that my life could be like it was in school. I am the kind of person that likes a little structure. I need a little structure. I like knowing what's expected and meeting those expectations. I like having a schedule. I like having someone to positively motivate me. Well the Holy Spirit is our teacher and guide and I've found that when I listen I do hear which way to step next.

That has to do with surrender because I have completely felt that gentle voice stop me before I speak so many times over the last few days. A gentle voice saying "Wait a minute...think about what you're going to say. Would saying that fall under your vow of surrendering yourself to me. Surrendering your hopes and dreams?"

This does not mean that all of a sudden I've turned into a robot of a wife, never expressing my feelings. I'm just going to God first and I talked about how that has freed me, but I've also noticed that it's really freed my husband.

After my initial "aha" breakthrough day he invited me to come out to dinner the next evening. I was busy with about 10,000 things, aren't we always? And it didn't make much sense for me to go pick him up from work since he had a car there and it would mean I would have to drive him back again in the morning. And have I mentioned my Suburban alone is creating a carbon cloud over the Northwest region from all of it's gas usage? And if all that seems okay, here's the clincher. Since we have NO money, I would be putting the dinner on a credit card! But I sensed that gentle voice saying "These 10,000 things can wait." So they were put aside. My kids were dropped off at Gramma's house. My gas tank was filled and I headed out on the hour drive to find his job site.

While we were eating he said "So, on the drive home yesterday (the 5th if you're keeping track) I prayed the whole way. I just sense that God has something for me to do and I asked him to show me very clearly what it is. When he does I will do whatever it takes to just do it, even if I have to drop everything else."

Yeah, I was trying so hard not to smile too big and jump out of my seat.

So, what's next? We'll pray and wait and see. And in the midst of it all I'm going to keep laying down my Isaac, and keep picking up the love of God and listening to my Teacher who tells me which way to step.

Surrender (Part One)

I'll just be honest in saying that this has been a tough year and I'm sorry for the cliche but I feel like I've been riding on a roller coaster. Sometimes having fun, sometimes feeling like I'm going to throw up, sometimes overwhelmed with fear of what's coming next.

I'll go back a little. My husband is in construction and two years ago when we ventured into having our own business we had high hopes and high dreams. He wanted to build. I wanted to be comfortable. Both seemed absolutely within our reach.

Then as you all know the real estate bubble burst, or rather slowly and painfully deflated. All of a sudden we felt like the roof had literally collapsed on our dreams, not killing them but in the mess of rubble, we lost them. I think they're still there but it's hard to think about them when we have bills yet to be paid and interest accruing in ungodly capacity.

Also, over the years of our marriage my dreams have really grown in what I see for my husband and our family. I knew he was called to be in ministry and honestly when we talked about building and making lots of money, I secretly would think "that's what he thinks, God's going to call him into ministry and we're going to leave all this behind." I really did! Not that I was turned off with the whole idea of living the "good life". I do like being comfortable. I do like having a nice car and I definitely do like to shop! But I also knew we were called to something more. It's not like it was a total secret from my husband, what God had planned for him. We would definitely come together and agree about our goals and dreams. He has often heard from God about being called to "feed [the] sheep" and I have often realized that I don't know how God's plan would come about and have recognized that it could include building houses as well.

This past year while on our roller coaster we have had the highest ups, really coming together as husband and wife and learning amazing lessons from the Lord. We've also had the lowest lows and while the lessons during those times have been equally amazing, they've also been unbelievably painful.

Most of the painful ones have had to do with stress. Stress has the ability to bring out whatever is deep deep down in the recesses of our hearts and most of the time that stuff has stayed hidden for a reason. Stuff like pride, fear, resentment, bitterness, hurts and deceptions. And when these sleeping giants are rudely awakened, watch out. Seriously, it sounds funny. We can all laugh about our "crazy" mom's right or is that just me? But when you become the crazy mom, it's not so funny anymore. This last year I have definitely had my moments as a crazy mom. And I have to admit, as a wife, I haven't stayed entirely sane.

So, on this roller coaster, I've had my moments of wanting to get off. Wanting the ride to just stop. Wanting to sleep through it. Wanting to find something to numb the feelings until the end. But every single time I'm feeling that way someone says to me, either directly or indirectly, "press on". Maybe that sounds like the simple thing to do, but it's NOT, or at least it doesn't feel simple.

Then last week I was feeling so incredibly weighed down by everything. My husband and I went for a drive on my birthday and he was expressing to me how discouraged he was feeling. Through everything I have tried so hard to hold onto the promises of God in his word and one of them that I've held so closely to my heart is Psalm 37:18-19, The days of the blameless are known to the Lord, and their inheritance will endure forever. In times of disaster they will not wither; in times of famine they will enjoy plenty.

He did not get encouraged by my memorized scripture. In fact he got mad at me for "always using scripture for everything" and he went on to say something about it's our own strength that gets us through. All I wanted to say in this very low place was "No, you're WRONG!" See what I mean about stress bringing up ugly things in us? Instead of recognizing the need to minister and pray for my husband, and instead of having understanding for the dark place he may have been at the moment, I completely turned it around on me and responded with pride and resentment.

We did make up from that fight when we realized we didn't even know what we were fighting about. But God definitely had an unfinished project in my heart. So, here we come to my "aha" moment. I was taking a shower and praying (I highly recommend this time to pray for a busy mom). I very distinctly heard the voice of the Lord say "Lay your Isaac on the alter".

If you don't know the story of Abraham and Isaac, here is a very paraphrased version. Abraham, being old (my daughter says he was 99 and his wife Sarah was 98) was promised a son. God had promised him that his descendants would outnumber the stars in the sky in fact. Eventually, after trying to accomplish what God had promised on their own and paying the consequences, Sarah did become pregnant and gave birth to Isaac. Then some time later, God spoke to Abraham and told him to take his promised son to Moriah and offer him as a burnt offering. Abraham obedient to the Lord, strapped some wood to Isaac's back and as they walked up the mountain Isaac asked where was the lamb for the offering. In a profound word of prophecy Abraham answered "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." (I think this speaks of Jesus coming and sacrificing himself for us). Anyway, Abraham lays Isaac on the alter and right before he kills him, an angel stops him and tells him not to kill his son and that the Lord has found Abraham faithful. Then a ram comes out of the bushes and Abraham offers up the ram as a sacrifice. Then the angel calls again from heaven and says " I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me."

This story has always kind of bothered me because, well, I don't like tests. I am irritated when my husband asks me something or throws me some ridiculous circumstance when he just wants to see how I'll react. I've always felt the same irritation when reading this story.

In my shower though the meaning of laying my Isaac on the alter suddenly seemed to make so much more sense. At first when I heard that from God I thought "okay, what's my 'Isaac'?" Our business came to mind. And our home. I thought in a moment of piety "Okay Lord, I give you our business. Take it away if you want to." Then I smiled with a feeling of soulful satisfaction. The Lord said, "Um, no, the business is NOT your Isaac. Think again."

Then it hit. My Isaac is the dream and the promise of us going into ministry. The calling to "feed the sheep" and the dream that my husband will be the man I've envisioned him to be. I cried "Lord, but these are good things. These dreams are not about us, they're about You. You gave me these dreams". "Yes, and you've been trying to accomplish these dreams on your terms and in your way. I want them to die in you so that I can resurrect something that's living and eternal." Okay, I can't argue with that!

Then in my towel I went into my bedroom and read the story I paraphrased above and also read the days "My Utmost For His Highest". What do you think dear Oswald said?

"Lovest thou Me?" Then "Feed My sheep." There is no choice in service, only absolute faithfulness to our Lord's Commission.

Okay, then I argued a little. I said "See God, it's even in "My Utmost" for today. We're supposed to be faithful to the call." He said "You are being faithful when you give it back to me."

(Sometimes I feel like I'm so dense and stubborn. I am really one of God's strong willed children.)

So, I made a decision and made a written declaration to stick in my bible. I dated it March 5, 2009 with something new and hopeful growing in me. A new hope and expectation that God's going to take this and do something eternal.

How heavy the weight that's been lifted off my shoulders. The weight of my husband's spiritual growth. I've become free to be his wife. I've become free to be the mother who's sane. I've become free to live in the calling that's in front of me today.

My rant and a couple good blogs

I don't follow a lot of blogs other than people I know "in real life". I honestly get way too sucked in like for instance when I came across this one and read for 2 hours straight. I mean, I read because it was good and tragic and hopeful and I was laughing and crying and you all know that I love to have my emotional strings pulled once in awhile. Anyway, I came accross La Vida Dulce recently and I'm passing her along because I often feel encouraged and motivated...not to read for hours on end, but to actually get up and take care of...you know, life...I mean, blogging is fun and there is a lot of good stories and voices out there and I love to sit down at the computer with a big cup of coffee and listen to those voices (they quiet the ones in my head). But then there's that whole balance thing and that family thing and although I love to share on my own blog how it's so hard to get people dressed around here, I would love to someday be able to share how I managed victory in those certain areas of my life and I'll probably not get that victory while sitting on my behind. So, I'm gonna get things done today! :)

A sunny day and a cup of coffee

It really does not take a lot to make me happy. A good cup of coffee, or a cappuccino like the one above, or a triple grande soy latte like the one I'm sipping right now.

The sun is out and I feel like it's been a long time. I guess it has been sunny but too cold to take the kids out in it. Today the weather felt warmer so we went for a walk to Emma's preschool. I was happy to get some of her energy out because usually I feel like I'm dropping off a lit firecracker (that's actually her teachers loving name for her).

We walked, we smelled newly laid bark, smoke from burn piles (yes we live in a small country town), wet grass and mmm...coffee. btw, coffee is the leading source of healthful antioxidants than any other food or beverage in the American diet. Seriously I read about it here.

On a deeper note I've been hearing a lot of people's stories lately, at the women's conference and on blogs and I'm completely humbled by seeing what people go through. The stories that especially get me are about people losing a child or another loved one, an adoption not going as planned, or a husband getting cancer. I've always said "no matter what we go through we'll make it because we'll have each other. But what if one loses the other? I just cannot imagine what that would be like and how anyone could make it through.

Then I think about my complaints and the depression I deal with and the truth is there really isn't a reason why I should ever be down. I mean, of course we have
our share of problems but compared to others, we truly are not lacking in anything. That makes me feel thankful but that also makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

And that leads me to think about how many women are possibly feeling like something is wrong with them because there is no outward reason for them to feel depressed/anxious/sad. It might be an imbalance in hormones, brain chemicals, it
could definitely be spiritual, but do they like me feel alone in their battle because they don't feel like asking for prayer for....nothing? A feeling?

See I told you my brain is an endless maze.

This is not what I signed up for...

Am I the only one who has these moments in life? I have been having one of those days or actually months...or years maybe. Awhile ago I kept hearing messages and sermons about counting the cost of what you decide to do. But lately I feel like I said yes to something and thought I knew the cost and now I am getting something else altogether.

I said yes to being a mom and the list is endless in what I didn't count on. That's another blog post altogether but I'll highlight a few things...sounding like my own mom (the good the bad and the ugly), kids not being dressed at 1 pm on many more than one occasion (today included), kids not treating me like the queen of this house and instead kind of thinking they in fact are the center of everything!

I said yes to being married and what I didn't count on was sometimes being unfairly treated or misunderstood and I definitely didn't count on him challenging ME as the person I have become in this life.

I said yes to serving God in women's ministry. I didn't count on facing so many feelings of inadequacy, fear and sometimes I admit annoyance with people.

I said yes to supporting my husband in having our own business but what I didn't count again were feelings of inadequacy, feeling like I'm back at work except I'm in a home office and there's no door at the moment and my kids keep coming in in their jammies and telling on each other.

Okay, so there are definitely good things going on like my son's slopping puppy kisses, watching my girls grow, my husband's loving commitment and all the growth that's taking place, but I definitely feel like I'm in the valley (yes, that's why I put this song by Ginny Owens on my blog) and I have felt the weight of this cloudy fog for awhile now.

I long to see the Sun and all it's glory shining on this path I've been walking upon.

Unforseen Blessings

My broken dishwasher has been such an incredibly unforseen blessing. Yes I admit I am constantly washing dishes, and yes my fingernails have taken a beating and my hands need extra lotion, and yes I'm usually washing dishes when company arrives because every day I forget how long it actually takes me.

But...how often before did I take time to intentionally do work that would keep me in one place for 15 minutes or so? Basically the kitchen sink has become my refuge in a day filled with busyness. It has become my act of intentional service. It has become my time of prayer, reflection and my time to slow down and reprioritize my thoughts.

When my dishwasher broke I remember saying over and over again "why me?" Of course it broke at a time when my washer was already running at half capacity, mice had found a way to sneak in, I was struggling to naturally rid my cat and my house of fleas and my kids were in and out constantly with their dirty summer shoes and clothes. Since then we gave up the natural approach and quickly got rid of the mice and the fleas, school started and my husband surprised me with a washer he found on clearance. But honestly I'm in no hurry for a new dishwasher.

Enough Seat Belts for Everyone

The first vehicle I can remember is a light blue oxidized truck. I’m not sure of the make or model but I am pretty sure the truck is at least twenty years older than I am.

We’re driving on a bumpy dirt road up by our home in the mountains. I gaze out the window at the field of purple clovers as my dad yells, “Jewel, hold the door.” I am four years old and have the responsibility to hold the door closed. My dad would eventually keep the door shut with a rope or a bungee cord but in the meantime it’s all on me.

I am kind of scared. Not scared enough to cry but at four, and living without television, my imagination has developed the ability to form remarkably vivid pictures. I think of a fierce wind swooping up from the valley below; a wind that I can not possibly match in strength. The door is pulled completely from the hinges and I am sucked from the blue truck into a tornado of dandelion dust. The ending to my imagination’s story makes me smile for I land in the soft field of purple clover but not before giving my dad a great scare.

Every hippy family needs a Volkswagen bus right? Ours again is light blue. We don’t have cool curtains or even an eight track but we must have a broken gas gage because we seem to run out most frequently. My mom’s favorite prayer is “Jesus, help us get to the gas station.” We make it and celebrate our answered prayer.

It’s raining, seriously raining and I’m sitting between my two year old brother and my baby sister. We’re with my mom and I can feel her panic as the engine sputters to a fateful stop along a dark and winding highway. Our prayers change to a different tune in an age long before cell phones, not that we would get reception out in the boonies where we live. Suddenly we see the headlights of a car approaching. A man braves the torrents of rain and asks “How can I help?”

We go to the man’s house, kept warm by a glowing wood fire. The man’s wife serves us hot chocolate and they give me a doll and my brother a toy truck. I think this is a great adventure.

When I am five my parents are able to finance their first vehicle. They purchase a brand new cream colored Toyota pickup truck. This is before crew cabs are the norm and all five of us ride around in this new truck together. My parents are proud and I can feel their happiness. My brother and I sit next to each other, me scooted up close to the dash and him back next to my mom who is holding my baby sister.

On longer drives of course my sister is fastened into a car seat and my brother gets to ride on the floor. But the truck is brand new and my parents love it and us kids love it too, even if we are a little squished.

Our gold station wagon has enough seats for all of us, until my baby brother is born that is. We’re moving to the city (going to "see Attle") and the back end is filled with blankets and pillows from our house. My brother and I make a fort and enjoy a cozy ride, making signs and pictures to hold up for drivers. Another adventure for us.

My baby brother is two and my parents sell the station wagon. The couple who buy it try their best to scratch off the Jesus bumper sticker and my parents laugh and roll their eyes when we see it drive by.

My dad and mom decide to buy another Volkswagen, but this time a Vanagon in two shades of blue. The van can fit us all along with all of our friends, as long as we double buckle. Over time part of the floor rusts out, but my dad puts a board down to cover the hole. We love to move the board and throw small objects through the floor, hearing the smack as they hit the pavement underneath and then we watch and whoop and holler to see them scatter across the road behind us.

The hole starts to grow in size and soon it is probably big enough for my little sister to fall through. This van also must have a broken gas gage and we have to stop and add water repeatedly when we take trips longer than half an hour on a summer’s day. My mom fears the engine will blow up and the reality sets real fear in each of us children, who now have television and have seen things “blow up”. That is not a fate we wish to suffer.

I’m old enough now to know that this is not a normal life to live. The van breaks down, not all the way and my mom is able to drive home as long as she stays under seven miles per hour.

I duck down low in the front seat, feeling every other driver on the road staring at me and laughing in their nice cars with automatic windows and no holes in their floors.

Either my parents start to become more financially savvy or they begin to realize that their eleven year old daughter would rather walk two miles to school than be dropped off and yelled to “be careful not to let the door fall off”.

They buy a string of minivans but we continue to have trouble with touchy doors. But we have automatic windows, a/c and tinted windows. Us kids miss making signs for people behind us but we appreciate our own seat belts and seats of real upholstery, rather than braided rug seats or sticky vinyl.

Celebrating an empty nest or rather four kids with drivers licenses my mom and dad buy the second brand new car of their marriage. For my mom’s fifty third birthday she picks out a gold Toyota Camry. After so many years of holy floors, touchy radiators and doors falling off she deserves something new and dependable.

And while I sit waiting for my husband to bring me some gas to fill my dark blue suburban I feel like all is right in the world and I’m thankful that all my kids have their own seat belts.

Blessings

I am so amazed at how God shows his love in ways we can know and understand.

I opened my cupboard and took out a can of tuna fish to feed my cat. I was out of cat food. I was out of bread. I was out of pretty much everything that we use from day to day. Thank goodness that we'd grabbed some extra napkins from Little Caesars on our last visit or we'd be out of toilet paper too.

How did we end up here? And yet I feel that God's hand is securely on us. His severely loving hand.

Not being able to buy groceries has hit me harder than anything else. It's not a far away creditor or a utility company in which to negotiate with. It's our home, our family, our livelihood and our life. Suddenly it has felt like the floor has slipped out from under me and I've searched around frantically at times in order to secure myself.

I feel like I've failed. I've failed to care for my family. I've failed to sustain them in their needs. I cry out to the Lord, but feel the familiarity of my words hitting the ceiling and falling back. Frustration and despair have overtaken me.

I walked into church the next morning and someone handed me a plane envelope. I turned away from the crowd to open what was not expected. A beautiful card and a $50 gift card to a grocery store. No one signed the card. I made my way into the church kitchen to get ahold of myself. To be honest two thoughts hit me. I worried that I must have been complaining about our situation and felt bad and undeserving. Also, how far would $50 go with our family of seven? On the other hand the thought of someone caring that much for our family filled my heart with gratitude.

During worship we sang Psalm 40.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Waited in Hebrew means to bind up or twist together. The root word is only used when talking about waiting on the Lord. I love that.

Then I remembered. When I was a struggling single mom there was a day when my cupboards were completely bare. I needed milk. I needed bread. Something to feed myself and my young daughter. I made a list of the groceries that I really needed and wondered how I would make it another week before payday. Then I went into work and my boss said, "Don't I owe you a little bonus?" Then she handed me a $50. I was surprised and grateful. After work I went to the grocery store and found every item on my list. Lastly I threw in a pint of Ben and Jerry's, just because I love it. The bill, including the last minute ice cream, came to $49.72. I let Shariah get a gum ball and I thanked God for his obvious provision.

In church the tears poured down my cheeks as I realized God's love for me. He cares not only about our family needing to eat, but also for my feelings of failure. He cares about my need for a love that is tangible. Suddenly I felt the force of His severe love envelope my being as a raised my hands in worship.

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Deuteronomy 8:3