Daily blah...g

I have a journal that just says "blah" on the cover. It's a word I hate...like I get kind of annoyed when people in the middle of a sentence finish by saying "blah blah blah". Not all people. If you are one of my dear friends and you do that occasionally I still love you. But back to my journal. I put "blah" on the cover to remind me to dump everything that's on my mind and there can be a lot. I don't want to have to worry that it sounds good or interesting to read. I just need to get it onto paper and out of my head.

So, here is a glimpse of the endless maze of spaghetti that is my mind...

I am really looking forward to a women's conference that is tonight. Lisa Bevere who I've mentioned before is going to be there as the main speaker. From what I've heard from Lisa she's a very inspirational speaker who has a passion for the daughter's of God.

Last night I dropped Shariah off at basketball and wanted to keep driving past my house. I've felt that way a couple of times in the last week which makes me feel really guilty. I named my blog "home sweet home" and I sometimes don't even like to go to mine. Obviously I needed a serious attitude change last night and I love the way God speaks to me sometimes. Kind of like "Come on Jewel. Can you please just "get it" what I've been trying to teach you in this point in your life?" And I who would like to think at this point in my life I could just be like "why yes Lord, I know exactly what you mean." But I'm completely not and I answered back with a childish "huh?"

I love this Jeremy Camp song on my blog. If you have your speakers off turn it up. It fills me with hope because lately I just feel like I can't get away from seeing so much suffering and pain all around.

I can say that I sort of changed my attitude the first time but when my husband got home I had to go to the grocery store for diapers and I have to say I took my sweet time. I also stared at the bakery desserts and although I've given them up (QFC puts their whip cream cakes on sale for $4 all the time) if I had found a $4 one last night I totally would have bought it. Thankfully there wasn't.

On my way home I was listening to Sara Groves. She's always so good to remind me of what I need to know. I'm totally obsessive with my music and listen to the same stuff over and over for months. I've heard this CD a bunch of times already, so much that I sing along, but I really listened to the song "When the Saints" last night. Here's some of the lyrics:

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind it often overwhelms me but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life their courage compells me

And when I'm weary and overwrought with so many battles left unfought I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in I want to be one of them

And when the Saints go marching in I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor I see the man with a passion
come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in I want to be one of them

My kids aren't dressed yet. In fact my daughter is in her swim suit. Listening to that song one more time and I "get it". At least what I need to get today. I have something in front of me that requires my faithful service. Children who need their snack, story and a nap.

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. Psalm 18:33

I've read that when deer climb high into the mountains their hind feet always step in the same place as their forefeet. Otherwise they would stumble and fall.

Sidenote ~ One of the things Bill and I love to do together is go for drives. We love picking up some coffee and taking a drive around beautiful Camano Island. Often we see deer grazing in fields of grass. My reaction is one of wonder and awe for the beauty of God's creation. Then I glance over at my husband just in time to see him pointing a pretend rifle and quietly making his shot...."bang"...yep opposites DO attract:)

What I'm watching...

I taped this from the Independant Film Channel. I was expecting to be disgusted and grief stricken by watching the unfortunate lives of these children born into the red light districts of Calcutta, but I didn't expect to laugh and be filled with hope.

I don't think Zana, the woman doing the documentary, expected what she ended up doing with this group of children. She wanted to see their sad little world from their own eyes so she started Saturday photography lessons and supplied each of the children with their own camera. What resulted was some of the most beautiful and sometimes haunting photographs. From there she decides to take action and try to get the kids out of their environment before they too are forced into the world of prostitution.

The cinematography and photography is captivating and colorful and I don't think I will ever forget the children. Saving women and children from human slavery is something I feel deeply passionate about and this documentary gave me some hope that we can do something!

Psalm 23 (KJV)

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Kingdom Comes by Sara Groves

When anger fills your heart

When in your pain and hurt

You find the strength to stop

You bless instead of curse

When doubting floods your soul

Though all things feel unjust

You open up your heart

You find a way to trust

That's a little stone that's a little mortar

That's a little seed that's a little water

In the hearts of the sons and the daughters

The kingdom's coming

When fear engulfs your mind

Says you protect your own

You still extend your hand

You open up your home

When sorrow fills your life

When in your grief and pain

You choose again to rise

You choose to bless the name

That's a little stone that's a little mortar

That's a little seed that's a little water

In the hearts of the sons and the daughters

The kingdom's coming

In the mundane tasks of living

In the pouring out and giving

In the waking up and trying

In the laying down and dying

That's a little stone that's a little mortar

That's a little seed that's a little water

In the hearts of the sons and the daughters

The kingdom's coming

This is good!

So, I opened My Utmost For His Highest today and read this...

"Woe is unto me, if I preach not the gospel!" 1 Corinthians 9:16

...

Paul's words have to do with being made a servant of Jesus Christ, and our permission is never asked as to what we will do or where we will go. God makes us broken bread and poured-out wine to please Himself. To be "separated unto the gospel" means to hear the call of God; and when a man begins to overhear that call, then begins agony that is worthy of the name. Every ambition is nipped in the bud, every desire of life quenched, every outlook completely extinguished and blotted out, saving one thing only - "separated unto the gospel." Woe be to the soul who tries to put his foot in any other direction when once that call has come to him. This College exists for you, and you - to see whether God has a man or woman here who cares about proclaiming His Gospel; to see whether God grips you. And beware of competitors when God does grip you.

This is not what I signed up for...

Am I the only one who has these moments in life? I have been having one of those days or actually months...or years maybe. Awhile ago I kept hearing messages and sermons about counting the cost of what you decide to do. But lately I feel like I said yes to something and thought I knew the cost and now I am getting something else altogether.

I said yes to being a mom and the list is endless in what I didn't count on. That's another blog post altogether but I'll highlight a few things...sounding like my own mom (the good the bad and the ugly), kids not being dressed at 1 pm on many more than one occasion (today included), kids not treating me like the queen of this house and instead kind of thinking they in fact are the center of everything!

I said yes to being married and what I didn't count on was sometimes being unfairly treated or misunderstood and I definitely didn't count on him challenging ME as the person I have become in this life.

I said yes to serving God in women's ministry. I didn't count on facing so many feelings of inadequacy, fear and sometimes I admit annoyance with people.

I said yes to supporting my husband in having our own business but what I didn't count again were feelings of inadequacy, feeling like I'm back at work except I'm in a home office and there's no door at the moment and my kids keep coming in in their jammies and telling on each other.

Okay, so there are definitely good things going on like my son's slopping puppy kisses, watching my girls grow, my husband's loving commitment and all the growth that's taking place, but I definitely feel like I'm in the valley (yes, that's why I put this song by Ginny Owens on my blog) and I have felt the weight of this cloudy fog for awhile now.

I long to see the Sun and all it's glory shining on this path I've been walking upon.