Wildflowers

Honor

2011-09-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

“Acts of honor are never lost in translation and we must choose to honor what will be and what should be and what could be instead of criticizing what is.” -Lisa Bevere, author of Lioness Arising

I’ve had similar words to these in my heart for years. That verse speaking the truth in love about seeing people, all people, through a lens of acceptance and love and grace and treating them accordingly.

Respecting my husband for the man he’s called to be.

Seeing potential in my children and calling that out.

Recognizing light for those I know and encouraging them to keep heading towards it…

Not that I constantly do all these things…definitely fail more than succeed!

Which brings me to what hit me today like the crash of an ocean wave...

It applies to us!!!

We have to honor ourselves!

(sorry for all the exclamation marks but this was a serious realization.)

I momentarily lapse in grace towards my husband, my kids and just about everyone I bump into on this lifelong road, but when it comes to myself the criticism cut so much deeper, I dwell on so much longer and rarely there's an apology. Then I’m back in the hole again…

This is such an amazing Psalm and seriously one of the songs of my life.

Psalm 40~
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
~
But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.

I'm thinking today about treating myself well. Seeing my own potential. Forgiving myself. Accepting myself...

Listening to myself.

Okay, now I'm confusing myself, haha!

Seriously though, my God is not let down by my mistakes, he loves me and is only hoping that instead of looking inward in shame I'll run to Him and see His love as even bigger and more extravagant than I thought yesterday!

Lord let me live in that love!

Last Summer

2011-06-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know where all this time went but I thought I'd share some long overdue pictures of my sister in law's beautiful Hawaiian wedding.

Summer

2011-06-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

I walk along the beach lost inside of my thoughts when a fragment of white stands out in the step ahead of me. A perfect white spiralled shell, once home to a little crab, but now grabs me and pulls me in.

Beauty before me as I make my way inland at the bay, seeing trees and fields, jungle and savannah. A flock of birds come up from the grass in one giant movement after a stop and pause of serene silence. The sun glistens over the hillside speckleed with houses which I ignore. Behind me is the water, the glistening calm bay over shallow sand.

I take the small shell and begin to look for others. I realize that it was placed there for me. A calling back out of my thoughts, to the beauty and life that surround.

Staying in the spiral is comforting; a drug of thoughts and dreams and desires unknown by anyone apart from God. A little hermit, content to stay.

I have a feeling healing will break forth. The peacefulness of the sea has that effect. I decide to spend many days of this summer here at this beach.

Which Way Lord?

2011-03-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

This has been a busy week....or two...or actually a busy couple of months!

I watched one of my favorite movies "The Apostle" with Robert Duvall, who is one of my favorite actors. It's about a preacher who gets into a little trouble with the law, runs to Louisiana after changing his name.

When he comes into the town at every intersection he points to the left and the right and says "Which way Lord?"

I love the movie because he reminds me of stories that I've heard about my husband's grandpa, who was an evangelist. The scene that reminds me the most of him is where he walks into a bar and stays just long enough to drag some guy out by his neck saying "You don't have to go back in there....you just say 21 times 'Jesus Christ gives me the power to not go back in there!'" Then he's running off to catch a bus, still yelling at the stumbling drunk guy who surely didn't realize what hit him.

Anyway, in my life I keep coming to unexpected intersections and I'm learning to say "Which way Lord?" instead of freaking out.

I'm realizing how often I get stressed out when the thing that I'm stressed about is simply (or not so simply) not having control over a situation or that I'm facing something unexpected. It's not even bad, just unexpected, but that feels bad to me...

Does God ever speak to you in parables? If so you know that it is a very humbling experience...LOL. Seriously, when he points something out about someone else and then once you are resolved in your mind about how that person should respond, the still small voice says "Yeah, by the way, that's you I'm talking about..."

Humbling because that is how Nathan approached David after David had committed adultery and then followed up by having the husband killed. That was the only way God could get to the core of David's heart.

So my control issues are the same as David's adultery and murder?

I guess it comes down to fear and those fears that I keep as a layer over my true self, my core...

I realize I'm being very vague about what actually is going on, so I'll just say that we're facing job changes, signing up for school, and no money.

This morning my husband is going to talk to a guy about 'possibilities'...seriously that's all the guy said when he called! The guy runs houses for men recovering from head injuries and his 'possibilities' could be anything from installing some doors to supervising one of the houses to building him a new house.

My fear is that if he does offer my husband a job, how we would then get caught up on the things that we've fallen behind on over the last two months of no working...

Another thing is that I'm looking at going back to work somehow. At first I was kicking and screaming about that idea because I don't see how that would work with my two little ones still at home, but then I was reminded of an idea for a job that would be a writing, work at home job....perfect. Then I saw that there was a class open for this particular job that is this Wednesday (tomorrow). Then I signed up for the class and prayed for God to provide the money ($50) to take it. Then I opened my birthday gift and there was a visa gift card for $50. Then on Sunday I had to use it for gas! (Big heavy sigh...)

I know that God has a plan and it's good and I'm simply trying to be still and trust and allow Him to lead us which way He wants us to go.

If you've made it to the end of this long rambling post, thanks for reading my thoughts that resemble more of a venting journal entry today. I'll try to update when more of these thoughts are actually resolved. And if you think to pray for us in the meantime that would be pretty amazing!

Learning, Writing and Answered Prayer!

2011-02-04T11:05:00.001-08:00

I'm trembling in my flip flops here! I love to write, I need to write and I feel like God has given me a message to write...and I say that with real trepidation...

I'm working on a book....there I said it. I've started books before, but I can't seem to get past the introduction and first chapter. Partly because of my extreme case of self critique which I'm already feeling. Yesterday after spending a good amount of time writing and feeling like I was getting a lot done, I loudly exclaimed "God, don't let me be wasting my time here!" What I meant was, I want the words to come from Him, and not my own often too introspective self.

The picture above is a hint at what I'm writing about....;)

He is so faithful!

I just want to share something that happened the other day that was so cool and thankfully I had the eyes to see it (do you also ever wonder how much we miss?).

I was spending some time praying for specifically my husband. We were waiting for someone to pay us and we really needed them to pay in order to literally keep our lights on. Meanwhile my husband is busy with his online classes and I could also sense that he was feeling a little lost as to what to do about money, work and life.

Going back a little, when we went to a conference last month Bill explained afterward that he "is completely changed!" and I've seen a difference! Inwardly he seems to have more peace and outwardly he's doing things different too. He turned on music while working on his classes and he first turned on his usually rock station...then halfway through the first song he found a Christian station and started listening to that! Okay, I know some other wives will know how huge that really is!!

Anyway, seeing these changes I prayed that God would bless him and show my husband His faithfulness. Of course I was thinking that us getting the money we're owed would be the way to do it...then my prayer changed a little and I said "God, I know you have something better in mind...I'll lay aside my request about the money and wait for what you have for us".

I was gone that evening and Bill texted me later and said that he'd prayed with Brayden to ask Jesus into his heart!!! Bill was so incredibly blessed and excited, it practically brings tears to my eyes thinking about it again.

Then he had Brayden call me while I was still driving home and tell me the news for himself. So cute!!

I got off the phone and, seeing how God had answered my prayer, I found myself in a state of utter amazement! Seriously, God is amazing!

And we did get paid that next day and our lights did not get turned off, but my happiness at that point was riding on something greater.

A big part of January's fast for me was fasting from asking. The purpose was so that God would show me how to ask for what He wanted to give me and I'm seeing how He's done that in my life. I know I've got much more to learn, but learning this sure feels good!

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7

Be Still and Know

2011-01-13T16:08:00.000-08:00

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

I am so amazed at God!

On Monday night I was driving home and having a talk and honestly laying out some stuff that's been on my mind and on my heart. One of things that I said was that I'm worried that we're on the wrong path in an area of our life....a big area!

I've really committed to this fasting from asking God for stuff, so instead I kind of asked Him how I was supposed to pray and not ask Him....

"Be still and know that I am God." On my drive home I felt peace and a sense that God knew my needs and I could let it go...for the time...

The next morning (Tuesday) I went to Bible Study and sat at my usual table of women. They have the pretty usual bible study format where there will be a teaching time and then a time to share within our table groups. During that time we ended up sharing generally what was on our heart and what we were looking forward to in the new year. I completely forgot about my prayer and my concerns from the previous night and shared how I wanted to be a part of what God was doing in peoples' lives instead of hindering it.

For some reason the leader in our group felt that they should all pray for me and they did. She prayed that God would lead us on the right path! That God would send wise older men to counsel my husband! And that God would be filling us with wisdom for the season ahead!

I forgot those needs and didn't know how to ask when they were on my mind. God remembered them and had others ask for me.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

These Psalms were on my lips constantly these past couple of years since we've been in this constant feeling of transition. We haven't changed jobs, but our lives have been changing; my heart has been changing!

I've been learning that sometimes the line between giving up and surrender is blurry to us in the fog we're walking through, but God sees our heart and gives grace to the humble. I'm learning that it can be the same way with complaining and honestly pouring our hearts out before the Lord.

I'm praising God because my future, our future, is in His hands.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Image Credit

Be in the Moment

2011-01-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

This is the day the Lord has made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

I grew up with that song and so many times when we're on the way to school and I'm not liking the atmosphere of our car, I start out with "This is the day...." It's so funny that even my older girls still join in.

And it changes things!

A couple of days ago I was growing kind of anxious and feeling a little self-pity about this whole fast. I am still not so good at waiting and if I come to a point where I sense something coming, I just wanna get to what's next! I easily grow tired and impatient of the process. Can anyone relate?

That got me thinking, what helps me endure the trying times in motherhood? It's not just looking to the future and knowing that the times will pass. Looking back I think what has helped me the most is finding the joy in my children during that time and focusing on that.

My son is three years old and he loves to run from me. In stores, at home, when I'm trying to get him dressed, when we need to leave the park and head home. It is so frustrating at times but this is also a time when he'll snuggle up to me and fall asleep in my arms. He'll run up and hug my knees and think that I'm the greatest person alive, along with dad, and probably big sister Ruby. I know he won't always do this and I cherish these moments we have now.

So how can I find joy in the middle of discipline? How can I be in this moment?

Philippians 2 mentions joy when Paul says "make my joy complete by being like-minded, ... not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

Paul was in prison when he wrote what I consider his most intimate and beautiful letter to the Philippine church. Talk about a trying time!

Paul's joy was outside of himself. My joy is found when I am very conscientious of the world around me, when I'm rocking my child, when I'm praying for someone, when I'm laying down my own negative emotions and having compassion for others. Then I am more myself.

Let me tell you about that photo above. My friend Amy, who's blog is at the top of my page, brought me some purple tulips when she visited last year. She hasn't been able to visit since because her husband was in a serious dirt bike accident and he's recovering from a traumatic brain injury. Amy is spending every moment possible at her husband's side, cheering him on in his recovery and she's devoting lots of time to her young daughter. You can read about her journey and join in praying for Adam's recovery, just click the link.

The thing is, I never hear a ounce of self-pity coming from her. She's full of praise, encouragement and is always thinking of others. I'm sure she has moments, but during a time when she could be very down and depressed she's staying focused on what's True! She's being herself, who she was created to be and doing what she was created for. It's inspiring.

When she gave me those tulips she pointed out that purple is the color of royalty and she told me I'm a princess of the King of Kings. That's who I am. That's who we all are as women.

Then when the tulips were opened and catching the light in such a beautiful way, I took a picture to remind myself later of who I am. Encouraging me to be myself.

Do you have something reminding you of who you are? We are not what we've done, things we've said or the mistakes we've made. We're not a sum of our education or accomplishments or lack thereof. We are not what other people have told us we are. We were created for a greater purpose than ourselves and we were placed in the Kingdom of God as heirs. We are daughters of the King.

You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. Isaiah 62:3

For Such a Time as This

2011-01-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed by God's faithfulness and goodness today; His faithfulness in meeting me here; for blessing my life abundantly and for giving me eyes to see.

For taking my burdens, my sorrows and my shame and for redeeming my life with His unfailing love!

Feeling exhausted, I was so tempted to spend my quiet time today watching TV, but I'm so glad that I didn't give in!

When we listen to his still small voice and choose Him in the midst of our day, He's waiting there with so much for us, it overwhelms my soul.

And I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of urgency!

The other day I mentioned my panic at the thought of not being able to ask for things during prayer because of prayer requests which I anticipated in the month ahead.

Yesterday and today I've been thinking and it's growing more and more clear that I have been asked to do fast because there are urgent prayer requests! I had the phrase from Esther "For such a time as this" in my mind and then Alicia in our group posted some thoughts about Esther in her blog post today! (You can read what she says about purification here.) Yep, no coincidence there!

Now is the time to be declaring the authority, the promises and Truth of God's Word in my life, my family and this world we live in!

Now is the time to be spending time in thankfulness and praise!

Now is the time to be seeking the presence of God, to seek His words, His vision and His love!

For in His presence, the things that don't want to be there, such as anxiety, fear, panic and dread, leave!

Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.” Isaiah 43:5-7

In my time with Him today He gave me a job to do. To be lifting up my husband with words and thoughts of encouragement. To, instead of focusing on disappointments, to be appointing my man to the calling God has for him.

The following is a clip of Lisa Bevere on Life Today, talking about being a wise woman. A quote that stands out to me is this..."We all grow in the reflection of the love we're shown."

I want to see the ones I love grow and be a part of that!

(Be sure to pause the music player at the bottom of the page.)

Broken

2011-01-05T13:26:00.000-08:00

My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah. Psalm 62:5-8

Bare with me because I have three days of thoughts swirling in my brain...

As far as the fast goes I am starting to feel better. I guess I've never been so determined to be faithful in this because the detox symptoms I expected on days 4 and 5 came on Day 3 and for the entire day I felt like a recovering drug addict with crawling skin and lock jaw! Not serious lock jaw, but just the tightening that you sometimes feel from extreme stress. This is very eye opening to me how sugar has taken over my life and my health and I'm praising God to bringing me to this place where I'm able to let it go...

So today I've really been thinking a lot on hunger, brokenness and emptiness.

On Hunger:
Cutting bread and sugar, and basically everything I crave, has really caused me to be constantly hungry. Yesterday I was giving in to the hunger by snacking every time I felt that pain, holding myself over with a cup of coffee, drinking water to feel full or busying myself with housework to distract my mind. None of these are bad things. The truth is I have been hungry because the snacks that I've been choosing are low in calories and it would make sense for me to want more an hour later, but something was nagging at me. Something was still missing...

On Brokenness:
We are very quick to fix things when they are broken, or throw them out and get new ones and I think this also describes how we handle things with our emotions and our need for God. A couple of years ago my dishwasher broke and we were not in the financial position to be buying a new one. I can say that that was the year when my time with God was never forgotten because something about standing there washing dishes by hand kept me talking to Him.

I think it's our human nature to not like the feeling on unknowing and discomfort. We want to feel like we're in the drivers seat and it would be preferrable to stay out of the fog! Are you seeing this theme of wanting to control come up again and again? Yes, my name is Jewel and I like to handle things on my own and be in control! This fast is for the purpose of ridding my brain from toxins and I believe that's been one of them!

I'm not alone there though. What did the Israelites do when Moses was taking awhile up on the mountain talking to God? They made the golden calf!

Someone posted on 30 Days of Praise about using the time she feels hungry to pray for whatever comes to mind. My spirit cried out "Yes!" I know the benefits of waiting and listening from my year of hand washing dishes, but how often do I take things into my own hands and fill the need with whatever easy to reach when I should be asking God to share what's on His heart!

Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name. Psalm 33:20-21

As women, when our hearts are broken and hurting, how do we want people to respond to us? Do we want their quick solution? I heard a radio show about marriage the other day and she was encouraging husbands to first listen and hear their wives because women want to be heard. I wonder if God wants us to lay aside our quick solutions and listen and hear what He has to say.

These thoughts may be a stretch, but how does he feel toward injustice in the world? How does He feel when His children reject Him and His love? How does He feel when those who were created in His own image, whom He fashioned together thinking of every detail, hate themselves when they look in the mirror or compare themselves to someone they are not?

How does He feel when I choose imitations and distractions over Him and His love?

These verses in Hosea give such a beautiful picture of our Father's heart. I encourage you to read these words and meditate on His love for you.

“When Israel was a child, I loved him,
and out of Egypt I called my son.
But the more they were called,
the more they went away from me.[a]
They sacrificed to the Baals
and they burned incense to images.
It was I who taught Ephraim to walk,
taking them by the arms;
but they did not realize
it was I who healed them.
I led them with cords of human kindness,
with ties of love.
To them I was like one who lifts
a little child to the cheek,
and I bent down to feed them.
“How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboyim?
My heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused. Hosea 11:1-4,8
“I will heal their waywardness
and love them freely,
for my anger has turned away from them.
I will be like the dew to Israel;
he will blossom like a lily.
Like a cedar of Lebanon
he will send down his roots;
his young shoots will grow.
His splendor will be like an olive tree,
his fragrance like a cedar of Lebanon.
People will dwell again in his shade;
they will flourish like the grain,
they will blossom like the vine—
Israel’s fame will be like the wine of Lebanon. Hosea 14:4-7

In His Grace,
Jewel

P.S. This may sound kind of silly, but when I was thinking on all of this I went in to do my laundry and noticed the light was burned out. Today is kind of dark and stormy here in the Northwest so I reached for the box of light bulbs. Then I thought, "No, I'm gonna wait a bit". There was enough light to load the washer and dryer and I really was thinking "Oh God, this is ridiculous, what possible purpose is there for not putting in a new light bulb??" It did get me talking to Him:)

Image Credit

Have you ever wondered what exactly is a "Cedar of Lebanon"?

Seek His Word

2011-01-02T14:47:00.000-08:00

Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens,
Your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
Your justice like the great deep.
You, LORD, preserve both people and animals.
How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house;
You give them drink from Your river of delights.
For with You is the fountain of life;
in Your light we see light. Psalm 36:5-9

I have a confession to make. A couple days before we started this fast from negative thinking, complaining and asking, I had a moment of panic!

Some issues came up in our family that are sure to come up again in the next month and suddenly I felt like these were urgent issues needing my thoughtful and prayerful attention. The idea of not asking God about it (to help him?) or complaining (so he'd really know the urgency of it) was giving me major anxiety!

Pretty quickly I recognized that these feelings were NOT from God and guess what?? "Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world." Am I right?

So the fasting from complaining is pretty cut and dry right? Well maybe not, but we're not going to go there right now. What about the fasting from asking? That's kind of a crazy idea right?

I like the word revolutionary better:)

Personally so often when I am praying and asking God for something I am coming from a place of worry, anxiety and unbelief. Trying to muster enough faith to "help God out". Really when I'm asking I'm wanting answers and my idea of what the good result would be.

The answers are available to us when we open His word. And the one answer and the only one thing we can depend our life upon is the Word made flesh. He is the Truth! And besides His idea a good result eternally surpasses our short sighted expectations...

Our pastor is talking for a few weeks on evangelism and gave us some questions during the sermon this morning. They seemed simple but profound. He asked "Do you really believe this stuff?" (referring to the bible & Christianity).

If we are not going to the Word and believing Jesus is the Truth, where are our beliefs coming from? What are we depending on? Who are we listening to?

Worry, a false sense of control, anxiety and even feelings of worthlessness and failure can quickly turn into idols in our minds and their negative affects take place in our body and our soul.

2 Corinthians 10:5 says "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

The second question in the sermon was: Have you been changed by the Gospel?

The Israelites were freed from Egypt and when they came into the land God had promised them they were challenged by Joshua in the following verses.

"Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:14-15

I encourage you to read this whole chapter and Isaiah 52 and meditate on God's amazing grace in your life. How you've been set free, how you are being set free, and how you can walk in that on a daily basis.

Awake, awake, Zion,
clothe yourself with strength!
Put on your garments of splendor,
Jerusalem, the holy city.
The uncircumcised and defiled
will not enter you again.
Shake off your dust;
rise up, sit enthroned, Jerusalem.
Free yourself from the chains on your neck,
Daughter Zion, now a captive.
For this is what the LORD says:
“You were sold for nothing,
and without money you will be redeemed.” Isaiah 52:1-3

Peace and Love,
Jewel

Seek The Lord

2011-01-01T11:25:00.000-08:00

O God, You are my God;

Early will I seek You;

My soul thirsts for You;

My flesh longs for You;

In a dry and thirsty land

Where there is no water.

So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,

To see Your power and Your glory. Psalm 63:1-2

These scriptures bring several questions to my mind: What do I look for to satisfy me when I'm hungry or thirsty? Does what I fill myself with satisfy me? What difference would it make to seek God early?

I was listening to Gary Thomas tell a story about moving with his family from Washington down to Texas. He went out for a run and being from the Northwest and not used to Texas heat and humidity, he didn't bring a water bottle. Running along and ready to die of thirst he looked over and noticed a half empty bottle of coke in a ditch and for a moment longer than he was happy to admit he considered drinking it! His point (from his book "Pure Pleasure") was that if we don't fill ourselves with the pure goodness God offers, our thirst will lead us to something harmful to our bodies and our souls.

That picture struck me because I know when I haven't filled myself with life giving substance early in the day, reality hits me from all sides and suddenly I'm looking for something to hold me over. My cravings kick in and that's when I find my hand in the bag of marshmallows! Our world is filled with things to "hold us over" and then once again we're empty, exhausted and ready to quit.

But the Lord is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it. "See I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgements, that you may live and multiply; and the Lord your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. Deuteronomy 30:14-16

I know that there is that which brings life; art that inspires, foods that energize, songs that life up my soul. Internally there is forgiveness, mercy, grace and peace to name a few.

On the other hand there are activities, foods, thoughts and behaviors that bring death, drain me of inspiration, make me feel sluggish and sorry for myself...

During this 30 Days of Praise I'm personally challenged to seek the Lord and His goodness first thing and spend my days satisfied with His pure goodness.

Seek the Lord while He may be found. Call upon Him while He is near. Isaiah 55:6

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,

My lips shall praise You.

Thus I will bless You while I live;

I will lift up my hands in Your name.

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,

And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips. Psalm 63:3-5

Photo Credit

I'm Coming Back

2010-12-30T13:17:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to get back into blogging when I've been away for so long, especially since I tend to be ultraspective where even when I want to write a post I start thinking questions like "Why do I blog?" And obviously that gets me far...

But I started this Facebook group where we're going to be praying and fasting throughout the month of January. It's called 30 Days of Praise and in addition to fasting from sugar and bread, we're going to be fasting from negative thinking and complaining (I won't tell you my husband's response to this...)

So, that's where my blog comes in. I'll be writing daily meditations focused on praise and thankfulness.

Stay tuned....

Ooops...

2010-07-21T13:41:00.001-07:00

I didn't mean to neglect this blog for almost a month...

What happened you may wonder...

I'll tell you what happened...

~Summer!~

Sleeping in, going to the park, going to the beach, my children being around all the time, my house being messy, planning meals, going for walks, lounging in my kid's pool, cleaning house, folding laundry, drinking lemonade, planning camping trips, planning our Hawaii trip, obsessively and mindlessly browsing facebook, reading great books to my kids, keeping junior high aged girls busy, attempting to keep my eleven year old's energy used up, staring at the weeds in my yard, sniffling away my allergies, and so on and so on...

I will write soon :) I promise....

John Mark's CD

2010-07-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

This is a good CD. I preordered it at the concert and downloaded it today. Go pick up your copy at itunes.

Here's some lyrics that might convince you. This first song "Ten Thousand" is the one that really touched both Bill and me at the show...

Ten Thousand

Ten thousand glimmering like coals in our chest
Ball bearings drawn to the magnetic breath
Of ten thousand weeping with wings on their tears
Amidst ten thousand voices for ten thousand years
For ten thousand graves yawning unlocked and unlatched
Now ten thousand holes with rocks on their backs
Ten thousand tombs gaping wide singing the praise
Of ten thousand bodies unlaced and unlaid

As the ten thousand highways unfold their doors
For the ten thousand standing on Nineveh's shores
Where the blood of a husband silences wars
For the girl who rises to meet him
And she sings

World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome
By my song and the blood of a son

Ten thousand rivers
Run red like my veins
Where the bones of men hum
Like a rattling cage
For sinew to cling to
And wind to remain
In ten thousand lungs
For ten thousand days
Breathing like a choir
Of holes in the ground
Where the cynical have lain
Where the cynical go down
Save the gravity of time
Lets go of her drowned
Like ten thousand sparrows
Unlocked and unwound

As the ten thousand highways unfold their doors
For the ten thousand standing on Nineveh's shores
Where the blood of a husband silences wars
For the girl who rises to meet him
And she sings

World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome
By my song and the blood of a son

And this song "Between the Cracks" is pure poetry...love it!

Between the Cracks

Hope grows between cracks in the asphault
In the downtown ghetto streets that contour
The government housing intentions of my heart
No one notices the daisies don't care
About gang related violence
As long as they get enough air and water and sun
They're all just fine

Who would've thought it but life is finding a way
Through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and pain
There's a man down here somewhere between
The Saturday cartooons and the dirty magazines
He's raising the dead in the graveyards
Where we've laid down our dreams
His name is Hope

Hope stands high on the 15th floor
On a Christmas tree perched about the ledge of a fortress
A steel that's trying to hard to be somebody's home
As it sees my attention from I-85 though the throws of the day
Were still writhing inside
I lifted my head as I drove home that night and knew
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Everything was gonna be fine

Who would've thought it but life is finding a way
Through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and pain
There's a man down here not worried or afraid
That some politician forgot all the promises he made
And he's raising the dead in the graveyards
Where we've laid down our dreams
His name is Hope

Can you hear him outside he's been singing all night
He's saying when you gonna come out from behind
These paper thin walls, your cardboard box realities

Who would've thought it but life is finding a way
Through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and pain
There's a man down here not worried or afraid
That some politician forgot all the promises he made
And he's raising the dreams in the graveyards
Where we've laid down our dead
His name is Hope

Weekend With My Sister

2010-06-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

My sister has passed her six month mark at Teen Challenge and was rewarded with a weekend pass. And needing rest she packed up and came and visited my house! Can you imagine a house full of five children being restful?

We actually did have a very good time though and lots of good conversations that were waiting for years and years to come about.

On Friday I picked her up in Seattle and we headed to Costco to pick up some pizzas and Capri Suns to feed the entire neighborhood. Then we arrived home and I cleaned up the house while my sister took my oldest daughter and her friend down to a coffee house down the road for devotions and Jones sodas. This was the third week of "Disciplets", Azzie's middle school age girl group and I thought my sister would like to be a part of it.

At 5:30 about 20 kids packed into our living room to eat the pizzas and watch Avatar. The oldest kids were sophomores and Brayden and Ruby were the youngest, with all the other boys and girls in between. Crazy? Why yes I am;) 5 pizzas, 40 Capri suns and a long movie later and I was ready to plan that every week....see?

On Saturday we woke up, got ready and headed over to our neighbors yard sale. My sister was given a cool shoulder bag from Cambodia and I found some cute little coasters with pictures of Europe.

Then off to the Farmers Market. I have to say that I think this is how I'm going to spend every Saturday during the summer. Did you know that most booths at the market have samples??

After that we went home and everyone took naps. My sister seemed to enjoy the rest and enjoy a little freedom. Actually she went a little wild and crazy doing stuff she hasn't been allowed to do for the past six months. Sleeping in, chewing gum, taking naps, checking Facebook, watching movies that are PG-13... We got in the car and my dial was set as usual to the local Christian station. She immediately turned it to a station and blared Led Zeppelin. I prayed that we'd get a lot of laughing in this weekend and we definitely did about her "crazy" behavior. After dinner we went for a walk and enjoyed a view of the bay with an amazing sunset over it.

On Sunday we went to church and she enjoyed seeing people. Then we came home, watched more movies and took more naps. For dinner we cooked our farmers market meal of minestrone and brushetta. We finished just in time to leave and have her back by 9:00pm on the dot.

It was really great to be able to really talk to my sister with no walls between us. We've never had that as adult women and I felt like it was healing for both of us. For me because I sort of saw how far I'd come since I'd been in the same position of really "owning" my dysfunctional childhood.

The bulk of our conversations centered around one thing...being real. We talked about how sad it is that in a lot of churches and Christian communities you're only able to talk about your issues if you've overcome them. Then they can be your testimony, but if you're in the middle of it, then you'd better keep quiet. So then we just build up walls and no one really knows the real us. That's followed by feeling shameful about our "secrets" and it's just this bad cycle that leads no where good.

So I'm pondering today what it means in my every day life to keep it real.

Testing....

2010-06-23T12:26:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the somewhat mess here. I'm figuring out some of blogger's new design features and obviously they haven't worked out all of the kinks! ;)

Still Long Enough To Listen

2010-06-19T13:55:00.000-07:00

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10a

He who has ears, let him hear. But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it. Matthew 13:9, 16-17

My house is super still right now. The sun in shining beautifully on what was supposed to be a rainy day. My two older girls are helping at the Annual Boxcar Derby, hoping to raise some money for camp. My middle child is playing outside with her friend and my two youngest are sleeping off their sugar crashes upstairs (we just got back from a birthday party). The house is quiet.

I think it's a part of our culture to love noise and I usually fill up quiet times like this with at least the radio.

But with constant noise when do we have time in our going going lives to just be?

There are two activities that encourage me to be still. Reading and journaling. Well, going for walks in the country is a close third. Reading usually leads me to quiet reflection or contemplation and journaling is a great way to listen because I write down what I've heard.

This is an entry from a few months ago that kind of came out of a desperate prayer. I was in desperate need of some time to be still.

"Dreary day, depressed mood, lacking motivation, headache, so much built up, how do I speak? How do I write? Aching heart..." (I couldn't even form complete sentences!) "Lord I have nothing without you, but why does saying that feel hollow and fake? I need to know today how you view me because I'm feeling like I'm all wrong. Like I'm too much. My emotions, my thirst, my hunger, my longings and desires. It's too much. But not good enough at the same time. I'm deflating...

What is your answer?"

Come my daughter into the sun. Warm your face and stay awhile. Feel me wash over you satisfying your emptiness. Filling it beyond what you can imagine. Rest in me and close your eyes while I fill you with my love. Lay everything aside and in my love abide. Draw near and listen to the sound of my voice as I sing sweet melodies over your aching heart. I am the healer and I'll mend your wounds. I'll calm your fears. I'll give you new dreams from my mind and my heart. You've heard your name when I called you so very long ago, my delight is in you. When you wander I breathe your name, in the gentle whisper of the wind it rides. Listen and I will give you freedom. Listen and you'll see my face.

Guess what!

2010-06-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

My lil' sister in law, Katie, is engaged! The whole story is totally sweet and would make you cry if you heard me tell it (possibly because I'd be crying) but I'll save that for another day;)

I took some engagement pictures of the cute couple yesterday and thanks to my friend Lemonade Makin' Mama being so sweet and sharing her secret *free* photo editing website, Picnik, I have them to share with you today.

Okay, actually I am surprised that I had them to show you today. Picnik does take kind of long, but I really like all of the features and will definitely use it in the future. Maybe I'll just have to pay for the premium version when it comes time to take pictures of the wedding.....

in.....

I'm so excited.....

Beautiful.....

.....

Oahu, Hawaii!!!!!

Aloha;)

Resting Today

2010-06-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

I was just reading Amy's blog this morning, which I now have over at the top of my sidebar by the way, and I was struck by her making it a point, as she has again and again, that she is her husband's advocate since he cannot speak for himself right now.

Then I decided to check up on another friend who blogs about being a mother and advocate for her autistic son. I met Jenni at my wedding because she was friends with my parents. We became friends and I rejoiced when she announced she was pregnant for the first time. I remember seeing her sweet little boy at a play date and wondering why when all the other kids were being rowdy and destructive, her little Andrew quietly played by himself in a corner.

I want to share her story with you in hope that you would find encouragement and also pass it along to any parents of autistic children. There's so much healing in understanding and there's so much hope in knowing you aren't alone.

So, there again was the theme of advocating for someone else and it makes me think, who else out there cannot speak for their self. Children in slavery? Babies yet to be born? Hungry orphans? Drug addicted teenagers? Despairing single mothers?

Now we're in difficult territory. It's hard for me to see needs and long to respond myself. I've heard a couple of quotes that I try my very best to remember...

"Just because you see a need doesn't mean you are supposed to meet it." -Pastor Lindsey Rude said this to me and she may have gotten it from somewhere, but wherever it came from, it was good advice for me.

"Pray first and wait for God to call you to action." -My friend Jill who also has a sensitive heart and I know she struggles with wanting to meet every need herself also.

Lord, let me today act on the needs of those who are near and dear to me, and like Amy sitting by her husband's bed, and Jenni, moving to a different state to find the best education for her little boy, let me meet the needs of my family by bringing them love and encouragement, a gentle answer, a needed hug, a warm dinner and my time and energy. You have the needs of the world in your heart and your tears so give me the strength to rest in where you've called me to be.

I am thankful today for where I am. I am thankful for the opportunity to be home with my children. I am thankful for being able to serve them by making the home a place of peace and rest. I am thankful for being a carpenter's wife and being able to dream and remodel. I am really thankful for this blog world, in which I would have never expected to find the support, inspiration and encouragement that I have. Lastly I am thankful for my God who cares deeply about every single one of His children and who's grace is everywhere around us, but sometimes takes us making it a point to see it.

Should I Have Stayed Home?

2010-06-15T08:44:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my day yesterday...

It was my first day volunteering at Teen Challenge. Have I talked about Teen Challenge? Do you know what it is? It's a year long drug treatment program and my sister just passed her six month mark of being there.

I really hadn't heard of it before she signed up for the program but Teen Challenge is an international ministry, helping people of all ages and lifestyles, overcome their addictions and live their lives as they're called to be. Just seeing the results in my sister has been pretty amazing for she's healthier than I can ever remember seeing her, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The coolest thing about Teen Challenge is that they will treat their residents free of charge, no money to get in and no money to stay in. The ministry relies on the donations of family members and other donors. They also rely on volunteers and after praying about it for quite a while I met with the house director and signed up.

I'm going to be helping girls who are close to graduation, to learn how to set goals and accomplish something before they graduate. T. who I'm helping right now is wanting to go back to school so I'm going to help her do that, navigating financial aid, learning about work study, choosing the right degree or certification and all that. I'm really excited. I feel like God's really prepared me for this.

Even in some ways that I didn't expect. Years ago when I was in school I remember taking so many useless classes like job searching and resume writing. Actually I remember having to write resumes in several different classes and then I got a job from one of my teachers and never had to use an actual resume. But that's one thing that the director asked me to do...to help the girls write resumes. Yeah, I think I can do that...

Anyway, my day...

I woke up, got ready, printed out some information that I was planning on taking with me. My mom got here to watch my kids and I headed out.

I love a long drive in the morning. I sipped my coffee, listened to some music, listened to a little bit of Family Talk (Dr. Dobson's new radio show) and just enjoyed the time to myself. I prayed some for T. the girl I was going to meet with and all seemed good.

Then I got off the freeway and I started to sneeze. I HATE taking allergy medicine and usually can divert an attack with a big class of water, but I was in the car and the coffee wasn't helping. My allergies were going crazy and I needed something to wipe my seriously watering eyes, which were also itching like crazy.

I reached over and grabbed what looked like a clean gray sweatshirt. I wiped my eyes and was totally rubbing them because they were itching so bad. Then I pulled out one of the sleeves which was inside out and noticed quite a bit of dust come off. "That can't be good" I thought, but I kept using it anyway.

I got to the place and looked in the mirror. Good thing I hadn't put on any eye makeup I thought and I dusted a little powder on my reddened nose and headed in.

The girl who I was supposed to meet with was not there. She is the only resident with a car and had to take another one of the girls to the hospital so I went into the kitchen to get some water and talk to my sister for awhile. My sister was kind of looking at me weird and suddenly I felt like I felt like I could barely see out of one of my eyes, like things were getting blurry. I went into the bathroom and almost screamed. My left eye was almost completely swollen shut and the right one was pretty bad too. It looked like I'd been stung by bees or have you seen "The Mask"? It was bad. Luckily I had my sun glasses so I went in the office, left the info for T., wrote down some stuff I was going to tell her and then I had to head home.

So, I'm heading home, spending some more time thinking, listening to music. It was okay how it turned out I felt but then I'm driving along in the left lane of traffic and my car starts to sputter and lose power.

Seriously??? Thankfully there was a little break in traffic and I made my way over to the right shoulder just as I lost all power to the car. All I could think about was that a police officer was sure to pull up behind me and see what was going on. He'd come up to my window and want me to take off my glasses and then what??? Ahhhh....

I quickly called my husband and you know what? He'd just been thinking about me and was going to call me....awwww....soul mates....;)

Also thankfully he happened to be heading my way and would be there in just a few minutes. He didn't have a gas can though. I sat there and waited while my car rocked back and forth from the wind of traffic. It's always kind of scary to be stopped on the side of the freeway. I called and figured out something for my kids since my mom was supposed to be heading to work and finally my husband arrived.

I got in his car and lowered my sun glasses to show him my face....he was like "Whoa, Babe! Can I take a picture with my phone?" "NO, you can't take a picture! I look like the Mask!" "Haha, yeah, you kind of do..." Hmmm....such a sweet sensitive response from my lover....

Anyway, it all worked out from there but I was instructed to go home and go to bed after freaking out when I thought my suburban had been towed (I remembered it being a little further south than it actually was). I think the exact words were "Honey, it can't be good for you to act like this." Hahahaha (me laughing crazily...)

So, I did actually take a couple of pictures, but this was after a couple of hours when the swelling had actually gone down significantly. In addition to calling me "the mask" I also heard the name Warf.

(My nose is pretty swollen too..)

Everything was too ridiculous for me to be offended though. It really was so sad it was funny.

And although I felt pretty discouraged and like I should have stayed in bed and not ventured out anywhere, I realized that's exactly what Satan would have loved me to think and instead I think the truth is that God definitely has good things planned for this experience and those girls at Teen Challenge!

Matthew 10:26-31 says this "So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Just Thinking...

2010-06-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

Keep praying for Adam. I've learned some things by keeping up with Amy's blog. When she first started writing about Adam's recovery I pictured him suddenly waking up. I thought it would be really cool if he awoke on Amy's birthday (a couple of weeks ago) and I prayed for that to happen, probably along with quite a few other people. But it's not like it is in the movies and the process is actually a lot slower, longer and drawn out. Amy shares about it here and between the emotions, the prayers, the hope and the pain, it's also kind of an interesting process. I also came across Kathleen's blog, who's husband is recovering in the room next to Adam's. Keep her and Amy and their families (especially Amy's young daughter Mackenzie) in your prayers as they go through this process of healing.

* * *

Recently at our women's retreat it was my job to talk about purpose. I really didn't want that job and initially would have rather talked about something else. I mean, there's been so much written about purpose in recent years and what could I say that the ladies hadn't already heard?

Thankfully God, through different circumstances and His clear voice, asked for my eyes to be focused on Him rather than finding something "new" and exciting to share. Over and over I kept hearing about sharing the "plain and simple" message of the gospel of grace.

So that's what I spoke on. I mean, I did ask quite a few times "that's it? There's nothing else you want me to share?" "That's it!" I almost heard laughter coming from the heavens as I realized that "it" encompassed everything and anything of importance worth speaking about in this world. That "it" is the center of everything and should be the center of our lives. That "it" is the essence of power and life and wholeness and healing.

Even then when I put my talk together I included quite a witty introduction that I'm sure would have people laughing and loving me more for saying it...

Then before my turn to talk some stuff happened and, after looking at my speech, I realized I'd need to cut out my whole introduction. Wit, humor and all!

It was the most freeing thing I could do before getting up there!

Anyway, just today I was thinking about specific purposes that I've sort of forgotten about because my focus has been on other things. But like I said before God has a way of bringing our focus back to Him and even though it's difficult to wrap my brain around, when my focus is on Him I see my calling clearer. My calling is to be who He created me to be.

~He created me to be a helpmeet to my husband. Isn't helpmeet a fun word? It reminds me of swap meet and makes me think of drudgery, but that's totally the opposite of it's meaning in Genesis. The word "helper" comes from the word "ezer" and actually means something along the lines of life saver. So, I'm called to be my husband's life saver. (I should add that I do not have a Hebrew dictionary beside me, am not a Hebrew scholar, so I'm going off of how I have remembered what I've read about helpmeets).

~He created me to be a mama. This ones pretty obvious, but sometimes I need to be reminded. I was reminded recently while at a fundraiser banquet, the main speaker was talking about how each of us can make a difference in some one's life. I can't remember exactly what he was saying, but I started pondering my purpose and gifts, etc. and it hit me like a big sloppy kiss on the cheek...I'm a mama. That's what my heart is and that's what the world is in desperate need of right now. Kids need mamas to speak into their life, to give them hugs and make them cookies. And that's what I like to do....for everyone. Okay, so as far as the cookies go, I still have to read the recipe on the back of the chocolate chips, but they do turn out good.

~I'm supposed to be praying. Instead of criticizing. We have some people, quite a few actually, that have some pretty heavy things going on in their lives. Sometimes it's easy for me to see how they can fix it. Then it's easy for me to go quickly to criticizing them for not doing it my way. God's been pretty clear that my prayers are the most powerful thing I can do and after I do that I need to leave things in God's hands.

So I was just thinking even after talking about my purpose and our purpose and all that at the retreat, I am realizing that I still have a lot to learn.

....and isn't it funny how we learn stuff so well while we teach it?

....and isn't it crazy how we find our purpose by living it?

....and (just one more thing) isn't it cool how our healing, wholeness and power comes, not when we're sitting waiting for it, but when we're seeking to serve others?

Yep, that's "it".

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15

Wordless Wednesday: A View From My Room in December

2010-06-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm sorry I can't do the wordless thing completely. This just made me think of a Psalm that I read yesterday morning.

Psalm 19

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.
The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.

The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.
They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Healthy Soup and a Little Sweet Tooth Satisfaction As Well

2010-05-31T14:03:00.000-07:00

Interested???

I have added some things back into my diet, like meat and a little sugar. But I'm really trying to not go back to my cake loving ways. Also, after my prolonged gluten detox I got the point that my body was happy to get rid of it so I'm now living life gluten free!

And you probably won't thank me for mentioning this but after I ate soup and Caesar salad for lunch a couple of days ago, both filled with dairy, I found myself very digestionally sorry about that choice of lunch so no dairy either...

Anyway, I have found some good recipes and healthy options for meals. Here's my lunch today...

This soup I made last night. A friend showed me how using pumpkin puree in soup makes it really filling, which when I'm cooking for my husband especially, is a good thing.

Chicken Veggie Quinoa Pumpkin Soup

(Keep in mind I make a big pot for a big family. I'm sure you can cut this in half as well as make it a vegetarian recipe by cutting out the chicken and using veggie broth instead.)

8 cups chicken broth
1 chopped onion
4 minced garlic cloves
1 cup chopped carrots
2 medium sized zucchini's cut into small chunks
2 cans diced tomatoes
8 oz can of pumpkin puree
1 cup of cooked Quinoa (I guess you could cook it in the soup, but I cooked it separately)
1 1/2 tsp cumin
1 tsp of coriander
1/2 tsp salt
1/8 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp oregano
Mrs. Dash if it's not flavorful enough

Saute all vegetables and chicken. Put in a big pot with diced tomatoes, pumpkin and spices. Stir well and bring to a boil. Lower heat to allow it to simmer for 20 minutes. Add quinua and serve.

If you're wondering what exactly quinoa is, it's similar to a rice grain but according to the bag (purchased at Costco) and wikipedia, it's a complete protein with a high content of amino acids as well, easy to digest, gluten free and actually closer to a seed than a grain.

I've used it as a side like rice, in a salad similar to tubulie and in soups. Again if you're a vegetarian it will make the soup a complete meal even without the chicken.

And onto my sweet tooth satisfaction. My smoothie is organic frozen strawberries, almond milk, yogurt (the one dairy product I seem to be able to digest), honey and vanilla. Mmmmmmmmm....

An Amazing Night of Worship

2010-05-30T18:43:00.000-07:00

I think I'm a little obsessive about things..... I don't have the compulsiveness at all, but obsessive...I think yes.

I've mentioned stalking people and that's what I'm talking about here.

So, ever since I found John Mark McMillan, I've been checking his blog, facebook, website, etc. for news of him and his band making an appearance in the Northwest.

And he did. Friday night we went to see him at a church in downtown Seattle and it was soooo amazing. Like, I was brought to tears several times, especially when the whole audience sang together to his most popular song "How He Loves Us". It was powerful!

And we've been talking about it and pondering the power of music ever since.

....because there is something mysterious about the power of music. Yes, I know worship can take so many different forms and shouldn't be put be put into a box of singing and music, blah blah blah.... (sorry I've just heard that a few too many times)

....but there is something about the notes, the coming together of melody and harmony, that is as my husband put it, magical...yep he seriously used that word. We couldn't think of any other way to describe it.

One of our first dates was to see Jeremy Enigk, who was best known for being the front person for Sunny Day Real Estate (I think they're known as being the pioneer emo band) and had a sort of short lived other band called The Fire Theft. So, there we were packed into this little hole in the wall venue and as we listened to the music, I remember feeling so close to Bill and knowing right then that I loved him, truly loved him and he truly loved me. I think that was the night I knew we'd get married. I don't remember exactly what made me think that because we were just sitting together, holding hands and listening to the band...but it was then that I knew.

So, lately we've had a difficult time coming together. We're just so busy and it's been a fight to have us time instead of each of us just making sure to have me time and his time....am I making sense? (I'm really tired)

But at the show on Friday there was one point in this gorgeous song where the lyrics went something like this....

"And she says 'Whoa-oh I have overcome, whoa-oh I have overcome the world, by the song and the blood of the Son.'"

I was leaning against Bill, crying as we all sang together that line over and over. Bill took my hand in his and we raised our hands together in worship.

And I knew God was giving us that moment together as a glimpse of what he's doing in our marriage and in us. A glimpse of purity, oneness and a love that encompasses that.

Oh and I can't leave out telling you about meeting Mr. John Mark himself. I just had to plow down a couple of people and went up to him, dragging my poor husband behind me. I just stuck out my hand and said "Hi, I'm Jewel!" (picture big happy grin on my face.) "What an awesome show...thanks for coming to Seattle". Then I introduced Bill and we went on to tell him about how my brother in law looks like his bass player's twin....

But...I forgot to have someone take a picture of us. I was in the car kicking myself and going back and forth between going back to tell him that I NEED a picture for my blog and him thinking I'm a stalking freak. I ran out of time thinking about it and our friends drove off...

Oh well. But I should mention I stole the above picture from his facebook page and it's not in Seattle. My husband took a couple of pictures on his phone but they were all of the guy who looks like my brother in law...sheesh!

What do you think of music being "magical"? Have you ever experienced that?

Ahhhhh.....

2010-05-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

That's me breathing a deep breath of no stress....

Except I do actually have a lot of it...but I'm just not feeling it. I'm choosing to breathe today instead.

I'm going to write soon about our lovely women's retreat and all sorts of other fun stuff that's been happening around here.

But my house is messy and I feel the need to keep to my priorities today of taking care of my home first and then "playing" with all of you;)

In the meantime, please keep praying for Adam and their family. He is still in a coma and Amy is faithfully updating her blog. Grab a box of kleenex and read through the whole month's worth of posts. I feel like I'm watching a love story unfold...

ahhhhhhh........

Off Again

2010-05-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

First of all keep praying for my friend Amy and her husband who's in a coma after a motorcross accident. She's updating her blog daily now and seriously I can't get through a post with tears in my eyes! Go visit Ramblings of a Root to join people in prayer and see the story unfold.

* * *

And yep, I'm off again...

Well, tomorrow, but as it approaches I'm really feeling the hours counting down quickly.

Hours to do loads of laundry.

Hours to finish writing my talk for Saturday night.

Hours to grocery shop, pack, clean, you get the idea.

Not enough hours....

I am getting excited about my talk though....and nervous. I know that if you've read my blog for awhile you would think I did this a lot but if you know me in real life you would know that I'm actually pretty quiet and have a hard time even speaking up about things in a group.

It is definitely one of those things that just gets better with practice though. I don't visibly shake anymore...at least I don't think I do.

Anyway, the theme this weekend is "For Such A Time As This" and we're using the book of Esther to show women the process of preparation, positioning and purpose. Although the three people speaking will probably talk about all of those things we're each supposed to focus on one aspect and mine is purpose.

That might sound kind of easy since all I would have to do is find my old copy of "The Purpose Driven Life" and quote random chapters, but I like to complicate things:)

I don't even remember the Purpose Driven Life but I do remember the first line...."It's not about you..." I know what the author was getting at. That we should stop figuring out our purpose with our self-centered ideas and focus on God since our lives were His plan.

But I think our purpose is somewhat about us. It's about us being reflections of the gospel of grace, or in other words our purpose is about us reflecting Jesus. That's such a simple message but one I think we take forgranted. We (I) tend to over complicate life, over intellectualize God, or just forget about it.

But when I was thinking and praying about what to share this weekend I just kept coming back to the simple message of the gospel.

My friend and I were talking and despite the fact that I'm going to be talking this weekend about love, Jesus, etc. I was kind of going off about a particular mother who has a boy in Emma's class. The mom drinks all day and I was saying how it is so sad that her son is not properly cared for.

My friend told me the story of this woman who grew up in an environment filled with drugs and abuse and then chose that for her own life as well. God brought her to a Christian organization because she was homeless and had been kicked out of the local women's shelter. Well, it's been three years and she's off the streets and graduating from the community college as a certified drug and alcohol dependency counselor. She said of the organization "They loved me until I loved myself".

Wow, that could totally be the mom I was criticizing!

And God totally did that for us!

So, a part of reflecting the gospel is remembering how exactly God loved us until we loved ourselves, or if we aren't there yet (c'mon none of us are completely there) surrendering to that process and surrendering to His love. And then we're supposed to do that for others.

Simple but hard right?

Well, I've also been learning about the fruits of the spirit and the thing about fruit is that the tree doesn't put forth effort to grow it. An apple tree produces apples because it's an apple tree. That's it...

The first fruit of the spirit is love and if we're filled with God like we're supposed to be as His children, love is going to be produced in our lives without effort.

So, that's along the lines of what I'm going to share this weekend. I get to go last so I can also add in a bunch of stuff, repeating and reiterating what the other two speakers said so that's taking a lot of my stress away about this.

If I don't get the chance to write tomorrow, be praying for me please. And have a good weekend!

Please Pray!

2010-05-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

My friend Amy's husband was in an accident on a dirt bike track on Saturday. She now has the story on her blog. Please stop by Ramblings From a Root and pray for Adam's healing and peace and comfort the Amy, her daughter Mackenzie and the rest of their family.

Thank you!

~Jewel

All Or Nothing I Say...

2010-05-13T14:44:00.001-07:00

I've avoided telling you this but I'm afraid I have to spill it so bear with me and try not to roll your eyes.

I'm on the extreme eating plan once again, otherwise known as a Daniel Fast. Fruits, veggies, rice and beans is all I'm eating. I've cut sugar, gluten and dairy and well, quite frankly, I'm miserable!

I must be going through withdrawals or something and I don't even know which thing I cut out is to blame. I think maybe gluten because last time I did this I still ate whole wheat flour.

I'm moody!
My throat hurts!
I'm feeling super bloated...
I'm moody...
My body aches...
My restless leg syndrome has returned (?)

But I'm on day 4 and in a couple more days I should be feeling great! And hey, I am obviously an all or nothing girl, along with my all or nothing husband so this is what we gotta do.

You may be wondering what is it about this particular diet/fast that keeps me coming back again and again. Well, when I was talking to my mom about it a couple of days ago the reason came to me.

While I was growing up our diet consisted mostly of beans, lentils, veggies, rice, soups and well that's about it.

Every once in awhile we'd complain...probably when it was lentil night...and my mom would tell us the story of Daniel and his friends and how they refused to eat the Kings rich food and instead ate "pulse" (beans and veggies) and when it came time to test the men, Daniel and his friends were found to be stronger and smarter than the men who had eaten the Kings food.

The story was told so many times that it just stuck I guess.

I didn't realize that another reason we ate that way was because we were pretty darn poor and that's what we could afford.

Until when I was about eleven years old I went to a friend's house for dinner. This friend's mother knew what my mom served at our house and she made it a point to serve my brother and me steak for dinner. She informed me that steak was "real food" and I should go home and tell my mom how much I enjoyed it. Then she went on to yell at her children for accidentally tapping their forks on their plate.

Yeah, to this day I'm not a big fan of steak.

And sometimes I'm scared if my silverware clinks on the dish.

Stay tuned for some yummy vegan recipes....

Wordless Wednesday "Lil' Mama"

2010-05-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

Pink With More Freckles

2010-05-11T16:51:00.000-07:00

That's what I become during summer. No tanning for me. This girl's Irish skin is meant for rainy weather I guess:)

My friend Dejah came over today and we had such a lovely afternoon sitting outside, sipping coffee, laughing together, crying a little, sharing our experiences, thoughts and hearts with each other.

And now I'm smelling of aloe-vera because my arms are completely pink!

Some conversations are just worth a little sun-burn...

(Wow, dermatologists would love me for saying that!)

One of the things we discovered was that, in coincidence, we are both stalking the musician/songwriter John Mark McMillan. He wrote the song "How He Loves Us" and from his facebook, website and blog, not to mention his music, he seems like such an interesting guy. I'm not saying we're gonna drive by his house or anything....well if he only lived in Seattle we might. But pretty soon he's coming to the Northwest and we're gonna be there!

I know I might sound a little ridiculous being a married woman, but do you read the Twilight books? Then you have nothing to say to me;-P

Here is a little documentary about the song. I realize that I've added music to my blog so you'll have to scroll down and press pause on my playlist.

Now I'm going to go and tend to my disturbingly warm skin

P.S. The single for "How He Loves Us" is available at itunes

Flip Flops & Painted Toes

2010-05-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

We had a great Mothers Day yesterday. We went to the beach, ate, sat on blankets and watched the water, hiked barefoot through the woods with the little ones and spent quality time with the family. I was so relaxed I forgot to take pictures!

My mom and dad and brothers came so it was good to spend time with all of them.

With the nice weather this week while at Old Navy I bought everyone their first pair of flip-flops and even before we went to the beach I was noticing everyone (me included) was in dire need of a pedicure.

So, this morning I got out my stuff.

I soaked each child's feet, used a sugar scrub, soaked them again because they were really filthy, patted their toes with tea tree oil, massaged with mango lotion and polished in the color of their choosing (okay Brayden didn't get to choose). It was so much fun.

Sometimes it makes my day to do a little something extra for my sweet little tornadoes;)

And I didn't say Brayden didn't get his painted. I just said he didn't get to choose to the color. Here he is again showing off his "manly black" toe nails;)

Did you have a lovely mothers day?

For All The Other Mothers

2010-05-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

It is absolutely beautiful outside right now and I don't want to be a downer in any way, but I've got some things on my mind.

Mothers Day is honestly sort of bittersweet and this afternoon my girls were reminding me why, so after I spent some time in my room with God (lots of tears as usual) when I still didn't feel complete release I thought it better to tell someone else. So, lucky you;)

For me Mothers Day is bittersweet because our daughter, Ahzryia, goes to spend it with her real mom. On this day I'm reminded that I'm just the step-mom and honestly I don't really like that role. When we go have fun at the beach or wherever we end up, it will feel like someone is missing and that will be on my mind the whole day. Then when I look at the pictures later or post them on here I'll be reminded again and feel sad all over.

I've heard that the pain of childbirth reoccurs again and again throughout the life of each child. Have you ever heard that? It's so true. Because every time they break away from you or say something that reminds you that they're really not yours it hurts like birth over again. Actually (I hope I'm not going too far into melodrama here) it's worse. Because the pain is not physical and something you can clench your teeth and bear through. It's cutting through your heart, the core of who you are as a mom! And I don't believe you had to physically give birth to the child to feel this pain.

So, on to my positive conclusion (are you still reading?)...

Do you see that lovely bouquet of roses at the top? They remind me of the roses that the greeters hand out at the church doors on mothers day. Well, if you can relate to what I said then those flowers are for you.

They are for you if you've lamented that there are seriously NO positive examples of step-mothers out there. (Oh wait the movie "Step-mom"...but still, only one???)

They are for you if you've understood why there's no positive ones out there after you've reacted badly and are feeling like a total failure once again because of it.

They are for you if even though you've raised the child, cared, cooked, cleaned, worried about and loved the child, you've never felt truly appreciated and think that possibly you never will.

They are for you for holding back on all the things you could say about the real mother.

They are for you if you've had difficulty loving the child after feeling rejected yourself.

And onto another topic because this has me thinking of other mothers who aren't step-moms but also might see the holiday as bittersweet.

They are for my best friend, who was seriously born to be a mother! She is going to be an amazing mom. But her and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for 7 years. I wonder if she goes to church on Mothers Day.

In fact if you consider yourself an "Other Mother" somehow and this holiday devoted to "real mothers" is either bittersweet or your least favorite holiday, then these roses are for you.

I have to rest now in knowing that God has things figured out. Also He knows the pain of wanting and he knows the pain of rejection.

You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8

Thoughts On Prayer

2010-05-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

Since it's the National Day of Prayer I thought I'd share one of my favorites, The Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi. We sing this song during worship. It's beautiful.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

Oh, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

How could he write such a beautiful prayer? Actually according to wikipedia (my 11 year old daughter scolds me for it not being a reliable source) we aren't sure if St. Francis wrote it or if it was written by others in "the spirit of St. Francis". I like to think he wrote it as he was living his communal life and walking through fields of tall grass with butterflies landing on his hands (Have you seen Brother Sun Sister Moon?).

When I was little, the sky and mountains were my cathedral and the wind and birds were the orchestra. It never occurred to me that my Father wasn't listening.

It wasn't until I was older and sitting in a church building that I felt like my words were going no further than the roof. Time and experiences I'm sure were to blame, not the building itself, but still, it makes me wonder...

I learned to pray in nature so why do I stay shut up in my closet now? Or save my words for Sunday morning?

I'm not sure if this relates to prayer but I read this yesterday and it really struck me how God looks at His children as a loving father. It seriously put tears in my eyes.

Hosea 11: God’s Continuing Love for Israel
“When Israel was a child, I loved him,
And out of Egypt I called My son.
As they called them,
So they went from them;
They sacrificed to the Baals,
And burned incense to carved images.
“I taught Ephraim to walk,
Taking them by their arms;
But they did not know that I healed them.
I drew them with gentle cords,
With bands of love,
And I was to them as those who take the yoke from their neck.
I stooped and fed them.
“He shall not return to the land of Egypt;
But the Assyrian shall be his king,
Because they refused to repent.
And the sword shall slash in his cities,
Devour his districts,
And consume them,
Because of their own counsels.
My people are bent on backsliding from Me.
Though they call to the Most High,
None at all exalt Him.
"How can I give you up, Ephraim?"
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
How can I set you like Zeboiim?
My heart churns within Me;
My sympathy is stirred.
I will not execute the fierceness of My anger;
I will not again destroy Ephraim.
For I am God, and not man,
The Holy One in your midst;
And I will not come with terror.
“They shall walk after the LORD.
He will roar like a lion.
When He roars,
Then His sons shall come trembling from the west;
They shall come trembling like a bird from Egypt,
Like a dove from the land of Assyria.
And I will let them dwell in their houses,”
Says the LORD.

* * *

I used to have a problem waking up at 4:30 - 5:00 am and then laying there with a restless mind for up to an hour. Then I'd fall back to sleep moments before I needed to be up and my whole morning would be spent dragging myself. Now I have my clock radio set to go off at 5:00 am every morning. Focus on the Family comes on then so when my mind would otherwise be fully rested and awake and ready to roll, it gets distracted back to sleep by the talk and this routine actually helps me get up when I need to at 6:30 am. Hey, it works for me.

So yesterday and today they've had whole shows of prayers. The feeling is sort of surreal to wake up and fall back to sleep to the sound of different people's praying voices. Really peaceful.

Do you ever have the feeling your prayers are not heard? Do you ever go somewhere outdoors to pray?

It Feels Like The End Of An Era...

2010-05-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

Actually I just finished my diary. I am an avid journaler and feel like it's an essential aspect of my emotional, mental and spiritual health, not to mention it really helps because of my horrible memory, and as I got down to the last few pages in my diary my entries started to look like this...(these one liners are whole entries)

February 23rd: "I hate not fitting in."

March 1st: "I am so frustrated!"

March 3rd: "I guess I'm having a difficult time finishing entries lately..."

I think I was feeling like for what would probably be my last entry I should write something big. Some big "aha" moment and nothing was coming to mind. I definitely didn't want to end it on a negative note...

I do think that someday my daughters might enjoy reading my journals and although I write freely for the most part, keeping that in mind helps me try to see the good in things that I write and not to dwell too long on negative emotions...which is a good thing!

Anyway, I'll share most of my last entry with you mostly because it tells the whole story of the retreat and I wrote it when everything was fresh in my mind. Here you go...

April 25th: The Lord brought me to a womens retreat this last weekend. I actually just walked in the door. So now I have something big to write;) And sort of conclusive I suppose...

I left on Friday morning feeling fragmented, with heavy burdens and heavy eyes sooo wanting to cry.

Actually something happened on the way over there and my left eye started bothering me and watering terribly. By that evening I had to remove my contact but left the other one in so I could at least see. Seeing clearly out of one eye is first of all frustrating, but during the night session of worship and sharing I started to feel light headed and my ears started ringing. By the time it ended and everyone got up to go have dessert I felt like I was going to pass out.

I took the other contact out and laid down to calm my heart which was racing by this point. When I felt like I could stand I went up to bed, blind and frustrated. I felt like some amazing things were shared, heart wrenching things as well, and I had not been fully there for those women! I felt like I was under the enemy's attack or something!

Hmmm...I do believe that nothing can touch me and God's children that's not ordained by Himself and also He works everything for the good according to His purposes.

I heard the stories that I needed to hear. The rest was tuned out by my distractedness...

The next day I was able to put my contacts in and I spent time with a few of the ladies but enjoyed getting to know one in particular. Her name was Lynn. We had some similar circumstances in our lives that it gave us the opportunity to connect on a much needed deeper level.

One of the things that we got to talking about was how each of us were once single moms and how we would take our children places. She said how she didn't let not having a husband stop her from taking her son on trips to Disneyland, the zoo and other family oriented places. We also agreed that we always were looking for a husband to fill the empty spot on our adventure. The spot that we tried hard to mask for our little ones.

Lynn said "If we, looking in hindsight, can see how perfect things were, why don't we realize that about how things are now?" Wow! That penetrated my heart to the core and I started to cry and told her that was exactly what I needed to get out of the whole retreat. We both cried more and talked more, opening up in a way only God could plan for me.

I felt light seep into the cracks and crevices of my soul and suddenly my eyes didn't feel so heavy and the urge to cry disappeared.

The evening session was good and I was able to share some things that were on my heart about grace and the healing that I've experienced in my life over the last couple of years. I shared the verse about God's grace being sufficient and His power being made perfect in weakness.

The evening was so sweet.

This morning I woke up and while I got ready in the bathroom I thought of everything shared during the weekend. It was pretty amazing because what I did hear on Friday were things that I remember about my own past. God wanted me to be ministered to and just spend some time receiving the beautiful view from the mountaintop so to speak. He has carried me far.

I love the verse in Isaiah 43 about going through water but not being overcome, going through the fire but not being burned. He paid for my ransom because He loves me.

The thought is overwhelming.

Also with the older women there I see that He's not done with me yet. That there's hope and a future and the things we're walking through right now (the perfect things because they are part of God's plan) are going to eventually end but I can choose to have joy right now....and peace.

I'm feeling very full of love and grace at the moment and my prayer is that it spills out and positively affects the lives around me.

I'm looking back and I've been writing in this journal for three years now. In some ways I feel like I've taken some steps forward and some steps back but I rest knowing that God has me in His hands.

So there you go:) Sorry that some of that was repeated.

Oh and this is kind of strange. I for one don't believe in coincidences and realize I probably drive people crazy coming up with themes and theories but get this...when my eyes were having problems it just seemed so weird and I kept asking God what was going on. I kept thinking of Paul being blinded on the road to Damascus. That's about all the information I can give you about that because I haven't read that story for awhile, but the thought was there nevertheless.

Then I got home and my kids had gone to church with my mom that morning. They showed me these colorfully scribbled paper plate masks and my mom told me they were learning about Paul being blinded on the road to Damascus! They had holes cut out for the eyes and they covered them up to see what it would be like to be blind! Isn't that weird?! I don't know what that means but like I said I don't believe in coincidences;)

Now I need to go search for a new journal!

It's Good NOT To Be Numb

2010-04-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

This post wont be too long. I'm tired! Too much relaxation for me;)

I am excited to actually tell you about the weekend but I have to tell you just now about the epiphany that came to me as I was kinda summing things up in my mind.

It's good to feel!

So often when going through difficult things, painful things, depressing things, I wish to either skip through it, numb myself or escape into distractions, but feeling that pain helps me feel the love as well.

Isn't it funny how aha moments also kind of come with a "well duh..."?

This weekend with it being a pretty small group of women of different ages and backgrounds, I felt like I got a view of my life in whole. I mean, there's a lot more I could go into, but overall, I saw my past in some of the younger girls and felt the pain they were going through in beginning to deal with the reality of life pretty much. I also saw the older women who had been through stuff and gotten through it and their suffering made them beautiful.

Overall it was all beautiful because we were all feeling it. There were tears of pain and laughter as well. Genuine 7th grade slumber party laughter that went on until our awaiting ice cream sundays took priority.

I'll tell you more later, but today I really need to rest from all that rest.

Enjoy the pictures though. Seriously isn't this gorgeous?!?

My Bags Are Packed

2010-04-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

Well not really, I still have some packing to do. C'mon, I'm a save it to the last minute kind of girl.

I guess that's not entirely fair to myself. When I leave for anywhere there's a lot to be done. Planning meals, grocery shopping, planning my family's schedule (usually not to be followed but it's there if they need it), sometimes making meals (in this case a huge pot of chili), laundry (cuz it won't be done while I'm gone), picking out clothes for church...basically you get the idea. Sometimes it's more work to go.

But did I even say where I'm going?

A Women's Retreat in a quaint little Bavarian town just on the other side of the mountains.

A restful weekend with 14 other ladies who are all old friends.

This isn't my churches retreat. That's next month. But sometimes when you're on the ministry team and you help put the retreat together, it's not exactly restful.

So, this wonderful woman who I consider one of my other mothers, thought of me, invited me this weekend and paid my way.

So this weekend I'm looking forward to spending time with the girls, enjoying the what is forcasted to be beautiful weather...

journaling....

...relaxing in a hot tub, overlooking the river...(here's a picture of my new swim suit. It's cute and flattering...finally, I've been looking years for this).

See you Monday:)

Saying I'm Sorry...

2010-04-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

I really should have kept my mouth shut...

I'm in trouble with everyone today. Yesterday was going so good. I got to get to know a friend a little better in the morning. The sun was shining beautifully. We had sold some big junk that was taking up ridiculous amounts of garage space. We loaded up the rest in five HUGE garbage bags (those industrial ones) to take to the Goodwill.

Yep, I was feeling good. Then it happened. This girl is back in the neighborhood because she got suspended from sports for drinking and having bad grades. This girl has hurt my daughter. This girl makes out with boys in front of my house on the play ground. This girl wears her bikini and short shorts all summer again at the play ground. Can you tell I don't like this girl very much?

Well, guess what! She's 13...

Most of the reasons I don't like her have to do with wanting to protect my own kids and I've really struggled with going between that and knowing that I should love her because Jesus does.

Long ago I said "I want to be the mom that everyone can come to. I want to be the house that everyone wants to hang out at." But seriously, when it comes down to it, that is not an easy thing to be.

Other people seem to do it but I'm sure those other people don't have the control issues that I've had or something. I don't know. I really want to say they are just better Christians than me.

So anyway, out of my frustration yesterday I said the above mentioned girl was acting like (well something that rhymes with 'but'). It got back to her. And I caused a 13 year old girl to go home crying.

Yep, that's me.

And to make things worse my first thoughts were along the lines of "well she shouldn't behave like one..."

Then I felt really bad! Like really really bad!

I'm going to have her come over and apologize sincerely when she gets home from school and I'm going to refrain from the "well you just shouldn't act like that..." lecture.

Talk about having to practice what I preach. I really believe that we should treat all people like they are sweet innocent little children, no matter where they are in life. We are called to "speak the truth in love" and that means seeing people's true selves, as in who God created them to be, and helping them to see that person as well.

Pray for me to calm this wild fire I started and that this will bring about something completely positive in this little girl and me and this neighborhood and town we live in.

Happy Monday;0)

A Rainy Rainy Day

2010-04-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Yep, it does rain a lot in the Pacific Northwest! I always try to tell people it doesn't and that's just something people say to keep all those Californians from moving up here, but it's true.

We just become so accustomed to it. Here are a couple things you need to know about true Pacific Northwesterners...

~We don't carry umbrellas or own really any rain gear at all. We walk through the rain like we don't notice it since usually it's just a light drizzle.
~We know the difference between drizzling weather, rain, showers, rain with a chance of showers & showers with a chance of rain.
~We also notice the difference between cloudy with sun breaks and sunny with clouds. There is a big difference if you can believe it!
~Just because it rains around here doesn't mean we all don't slow down to 20 mph in a light drizzle. Okay, not me, I'm the one lecturing about not knowing how to drive in the rain behind that person!
~On the first sunny day above 65 degrees shorts, flip-flops and tank tops can be seen on absolutely everyone! Also, so many people comment on not recognizing the orange ball in the sky and everyone thinks they are clever for saying it...LOL!
~When the temperature hits 90 we feel like we're gonna die!
~At the end of the summer, for that first good autumn rain, everyone goes outside, still in their shorts and flip-flops, looks up and thanks God for the cool goodness coming from the sky:) It's really true.

But today we were planning a yard sale and it was going to be our busiest day and we were rained out!

We did make enough yesterday to put gas in our cars and I was blessed to buy a bottle of shiraz, which tasted oh so yummy with my chocolate covered raisens and went oh so well with my not one, but two romantic dramas, "Bright Star" and "Once".

A perfect evening for Period minus 24 hours;)

And because of that and all the feelings that are threatening a huge pity party on my end, I'm going to leave you with a couple of highlights from the movies. The first is a poem by John Keats.

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art--
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors--
No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever--or else swoon to death.

And here is a song from "Once". I love songs that go along with the rhythm of my heart in theme and beat...

Sigh....lovely:)

Random Is All I Got

2010-04-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

First of all if you haven't gone and visited Megan's blog, head on over and check out her "Week of Giveaways". In celebration of posting 500 times (wow, I'm so behind her) she has some really cute handmade items and the contests are wrapping up soon so don't delay!

And on to cute things said by my kids. I just love them and seriously laugh all day long at the amazing way they view the world.

Ruby and I were shopping at the local grocery store when we noticed a couple of birds flitting and flying through and above the produce section. We watched them for a few minutes before getting on with our shopping trip. When we were leaving the store Ruby said "Mom, those were cute girl birds." I said "How do you know they were girls?" She said "Well, they are mommies". "How do you know they're mommies?" "They're at the grocery store!" Haha, yep, that does make sense...at least around our house.

Emma came in from playing in our very diverse neighborhood. Well, actually we sometimes feel like the caucasion minority. Some kids were telling Emma that she was "just full American" and she was not happy about it. After asking insistantly what else she was I finally said "European-American". She said "A what??? What is a 'peein' American'?" I started laughing and then she said "No Mom, you're a peein' American!" I almost died!

And on to more serious matters. The last time I posted I wrote about Maryam and Marzieh. I was feeling completely burdened for them and decided to go on a little fast/hunger strike until I heard word on them as well as something else that we've been praying about. At dinner on Tuesday I seriously felt like I was gonna die! I had planned to make one of my least favorite meals (one that the rest of the family begs for) so I cooked fish and chips. I mean, greasy store bought fish stix and crinkle fries from a bag...eww...

But while I cooked them they looked and smelled soooo yummy. Seriously it was a pitiful sight. Me going back and forth in the kitchen not knowing what in the world is going on and praying that we would get the answers to our prayers so that I could dine on the grease....

I still haven't heard about either thing (I don't know how long the trial was going for so I'm sure prayers are still needed) but I did cave in to the food.

I know, I know, people go for much longer than that without food and don't act as dramatic as me! My husband pointed that out kindly when he saw I had a plate as big as his.

I broke my strike with faith that the prayers are already answered, whether I know what's going on or not.

And again back to non-serious things (I said this was random). I've been spring cleaning like a mad woman and we're getting ready to have a yard sale this weekend. I'm feeling so good about going through each room and purging our lives of excess junk. I really hope someone else wants our junk.

For Such A Time As This Sisters!

2010-04-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Many of you follow Beth Moore's Blog. If you don't or aren't familiar to this mother in the faith (hey she's mine at least), please go familiarize yourself. By the way, her blog has a new look and a new address and it's much more easy to follow now in my opinion.

Anyway, on to matters of crucial importance. Beth and Living Proof girls have been updating us about Maryam and Marzieh, Christian women in Iran. The following letter explains a lot and has the prayer request as well so I'll just leave you with this and ask that you join me in support of these courageous women.

Maryam and Marzieh need our prayer.

They spent 259 days in prison for their Christian faith. After their conditional release on 18th November 2009 from Iran’s Evin Prison, they have been convalescing and receiving medical treatment for the past five months.

Both of them still remain unwell, weak and suffering from various illnesses. However, despite their frailties they are determined to be faithful to the Lord and speak the truth in court whatever the consequence or personal cost.

Maryam and Marzieh’s court hearing has been set for 13th April 2010.

Therefore, on their behalf, during the next five days leading up to their court hearing we request your prayers.

Pray that:

The peace of God will protect their hearts and minds and keep them safe.
They will completely recover from their illnesses and be strong physically, mentally and spiritually.
They will know the presence of God in the midst of their trial.
They will be set free.

Maryam & Marzieh would like to express their heartfelt gratitude for your prayers that have sustained them throughout their hardship.

Thank you for praying.

The Elam team

Thankful...

2010-04-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

First of all, My BFF is hosting a week of giveaways leading up to her 500th post! Today she's giving away a cute homemade coffee cup holder and there's a ton of ways you can enter to win, so go on over and visit Megan at INfertile Myrtle.

Do you like to win stuff? I came across another giveaway at Pretties and Posies. Love this site and love this painting!

Don't you?

* * *

So yesterday I kept having this weird feeling come over me. I'd be going about my day, making lunches, reading stories and wiping noses and then there it would be out of nowhere.

I was feeling thankful!

Last night I reflected on this sudden effortless bout of contentment and decided I better make note of this feeling on this here blog...

My husband is traveling across the State (seriously, clear to the other side) for work, but I am so thankful that he has some work.

Also speaking of my husband, he had his guys group last night. Him and a group of guys meet every other week at a Pub and share their lives over a beer. I love that he has a group of real Christian men who can be there for him, encourage him and hold him accountable in ways that I can't as a wife.

I also love that every other week I get to meet with the wives and do the same thing.

I'm thankful for the town we live in and that sometimes I hear what's going on in the world and feel like we're miles and miles away from it all. Not that this place is perfect, but it is a place where people know each other and talk to each other at the grocery store and the post office and the park and the school and the churches.

I'm thankful for my kids and the opportunity I have to influence them right now, especially my growing girls who are letting me know daily that they're not going to be here forever. Imagine not realizing that until they're gone, which I'm sure is true for me on some level, but still I have an idea and am trying to make this time count.

Not to sound redundant but I'm so thankful for my husband. He's truly my best friend and although he's probably completely different than how I imagined him to be at 12, he's a hundred times better and our marriage is also better. Seriously, my girlhood dreams of prince charming pale in comparison to this life of mine.

This is something kind of new but I can truly say at this point that I'm thankful for the hardships we've faced over the last couple of years. I couldn't always. Well, maybe I could at points of clarity but for awhile they were few and far between. Suddenly (and I believe it happened at the beginning of this year) I feel like I'm living my life with clarity. Sadly it happened with some of the most difficult things I'd faced at all, like friends leaving and loneliness, bitterness and hurt threatening everything. I guess I could share more about it later, but I'll just say I was in bed, completely depressed and shut off from the world, but God found me there and ministered to my broken heart.

Whoa! I didn't mean to go there! It's pretty amazing, I always find that when I start writing or speaking what I'm thankful for, more and more floods my mind and soon I'm in this place of peace, contentment and yep, tears!

Last but not least I am thankful for blogger's autosave! Right after I typed the word tears the computer shut off in a windy power outage. I was so happy to see this was still here when it came back on:)

So what are you thankful for today?

Love Lost!

2010-04-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

I know there are many blogs solely devoted to LOST, so I'm not going to give you a recap of the show or anything. I'm just going to tell you my reaction of the show last night because I took note and laughed at myself. Here you go...

...Eyes wide...
"What the heck?"
...Eyes wider....
"What the heck?"
"Oh my gosh!"
"What the heck?"
"Oh my gosh!"
"Oh my GOSH!"
"What the heck?"
"Oh my gosh!"
....Tears....
"Oh my.......gosh!"

I'm just going to publicly admit that I am officially a NERD, if you didn't already know. I'm a LOST fan, actually "Lostie" is the correct term.

My husband doesn't like it. He can't stay awake as late as it's on and doesn't like all the puzzles and the flashing forward, backward and sideways. He just doesn't know what he's missing.

Some Random Beautiful Things

2010-04-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

Have you listened to Sara Groves? I just want to share how much I love this girl! I love how she cares and wears her heart on her sleeve. I love how in the second video she looks as if on the verge of tears most of the time. I love her priorities as a mom. I love how she lets her flaws out there and she also lets them go. Her music has been a soundtrack for my life for years now, since I first heard "How is it between us?" on the radio and thought she sounded like Sarah McLachlan.

She and her husband were on Focus on the Family yesterday and if you didn't get a chance to hear, take a listen at their website. Btw, today they have Les and Leslie Parrot on so I'm betting it's worth listening to as well. They're relationship experts who teach here in the Northwest at Seattle Pacific University. I've always gotten good practical stuff from them.

I also want to tell you about Bible Study this morning. A lady named Cheryl Haskins came and shared with us about going through difficult transitions in life. And she knows. Her husband died in October of a sudden heart attack. She talked about what she has learned about trusting God through this. It wasn't some fake unrealistic she can praise the Lord and not miss her husband type of talk. You could tell that her trust was real. Her trust was on a deeper level than I have ever experienced in my life.

I know I had the look of being on the verge of tears the whole time.

It was amazing though. Amazing and beautiful that this time she normally would be taking for herself, she's sharing her wisdom with all of us women. Amazing that she didn't cry the whole time, although I was sitting close enough to see her eyes watering.

She talked about the three things that she KNOWS to be true. 1. God is faithful, 2. God is in control and 3. God has a plan. She went more into each of those and everything she said was so right with what I sensed in my heart.

This day started out with my two year old suddenly acting a little terrible, my nose running and waking up right as the bus passed our house (without my daughter). I almost didn't go because with all the circumstances I felt like I should stay home and try to achieve some peace, some order in the chaos.

I found that, but not in disciplining my kids and cleaning my house. I found that today in bringing my focus back to Jesus. (Of course after I got home my kids went down for naps and I got my kitchen clean, but my attitude was better).

Easter Sunday

2010-04-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

This Easter Sunday we spent the day relaxing as a family. We dyed eggs with a little food coloring.

Emma was very concerned about how we were going to get the candy inside.
I spent most of the time in the kitchen, and was happy to be there. Here's some fruit appetizers. I served this before giving the kids their baskets full of candy in hopes that they were fill up on fruit.
It worked!
We didn't have money to buy new dresses this year so I didn't really care that about the strawberry drips.

The boys hung out on the couch with the meat and cheese.

Soon we had an egg hunt out in the yard. I went to help Ruby hide the eggs, but ended up just taking pictures of her the whole time.

Ruby, my little meticulous child, soon got the idea of matching the colors of eggs with their surroundings.

After she finished hiding the eggs, the kids ran out to find them. They ran through the yard, grabbing eggs and putting them in their baskets. All of a sudden Ruby burst into tears. "They're taking all the eggs. I want them back!" She cried. (Don't worry I stopped taking pictures and actually comforted my baby girl with a hug).

This year I broke the cycle of Easter insanity and waited until after church to give the kids their baskets of candy. No sugar meltdowns at church...imagine that!

"Oh Chocolate bunny, I just love you!"

In church yesterday morning they brought in a live lamb. The pastor went through how sacrifices were so meaningful to the jewish people. It brought tears to my eyes to see that little innocent lamb and think of how it would be sacrificed for the sins of the people.

Jesus was the lamb of God and unlike the lambs which stayed dead, he rose from the grave and conquered death so that we can live.

I had already planned to make mutton for dinner which didn't go over well with the kids who had spent the morning petting that cute woolley little baby. Bill and I, on the other hand, thought it was pretty delicious!

Barefeet in Fields of Wildflowers

2010-04-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

I did spend some time in contemplation yesterday and also worked on what I want to share at our upcoming women's retreat...yep, my procrastinating self is ahead of schedule people!

Anyway, I was wanting to write a short story or poem to illustrate some points and what I wrote happens to fit pretty closely with my blog's theme. Also, when I was on the second to the last paragraph I realized that this was really for a dear friend of mine. A friend who's been through trial after trial this past year and also happened to name her baby daughter Grace. Okay, here ya go...

Barefeet in Fields of Wildflowers

Emerging from the darkened forest her bare feet touch the soil still damp with dew. Closing her eyes, she listens again for the whisper of her name. She heard it before, deep in the forest, but now it’s been replaced by the roar of the wind blowing up from the valley below.

Carefully, she steps away from the trees and the roar changes again to whispers against the tall grass and wildflowers. The breeze is warm against her freckled skin and bare legs, hinting at Indian summer.

She opens her eyes and her heart springs forth inside of her responding once again to being called to this place.

Droplets glisten on fiery red poppies as they send glory to the sun. Purple clovers dance in the breeze and violet blue bells ring up and down in a beautiful symphony of color and diamonds.

Tears escape as, amid the display, the desire of her heart threatens to consume the life within her.

What is your desire my child? She hears and her heart cries “Love.”

The warmth of the air envelopes the girl as she trembles in the Presence.

She knows the hands that hold her are pierced through.

She knows the tears she feels anointing her head have waited patiently and lovingly for so long.

My delight is in you, He speaks her name again and healing rushes in like a hurricane.

When you passed through the waters, I was with you. I didn’t allow them to consume you. When you walked through the fire, you were not burned, nor scorched by the flames. You are mine and I love you. I sold cities to pay for you.

As if awakening from a dream she looks up. The wind has taken the various flower seeds and scattered them further down the mountain. Flurries of dust go every which way and as shadows creep through the field, the petals start to come together for evening prayer.

The girl wipes warm tears from her cheeks and gently cradles her abdomen, just starting to swell.

“I know your name my daughter,” she whispers as she feels the life growing within her.

“Your name is Grace.”

The Wonderful Cross

2010-04-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

This is one of my absolute favorite songs and how perfect for Good Friday.

The other day I went for a walk while it was getting dark. Emma was ahead on her bike so I took the opportunity to pray (complain to God). Here's how it went...

There's so many unknowns and I'm tired of it. I want my life to be mapped out in front of me. I want to see what's coming and have some warning. If we make the wrong decision, then what? How do we know what the right decision is? Even if we make the decision You want us to make, who's to say we can't lose everything and end up back where we started? (This actually went on for about 10 minutes with the same theme).

Okay, you've said what you have to say, now are you ready for what I have to say?

(a little shaken at the sound of my "prayers" being interrupted by God himself) Um, sure! I mean, yes, I'll listen...

Remember the Lilies of the fields and how I clothe them. How much more do I care about you?!

Yeah, but those are flowers. They don't really have anything. That doesn't tell me anything. We have a mortgage to pay, utilities, we have to depend on other people for things, and we need clothes and food and all the necessities.

Seek first My kingdom...

Right after he said that I got lost again in my own thoughts, except they were taking a different direction. It was like He poured a little faith into me, His faith.

Suddenly I looked up and there was this girl sitting in front of me. She was sitting on a bench and she looked at me with intense eyes and unlike people I usually see sitting around town, she looked full of peace. Almost like she didn't belong there. I said hello and she nodded instead of saying anything and kept on looking at me with these eyes that now I can't forget.

I don't know what that meant and I honestly don't know what's ahead for us, but it being Good Friday, I'm taking the time to fast, pray and contemplate the Wondrous Cross.

Being like the lilies of the field, living a life of carefree worship.

Thanks and Cute Kids (Mine)

2010-03-30T14:14:00.000-07:00

Someone must have been praying for me yesterday because it went good with my little bro. Better than good! God totally helped me be bold, honest and loving.

I ended up sitting my brother down and, instead of coming down on him for making some bad decisions, I told him about his potential and how he needs to realize who he is in God's eyes, not who people expect him to be. We talked about a bunch of other stuff too and Bill was right there with me letting him know that we both support him making good choices for his life and his future. And yes, I cried!

After that Bill and I went for a drive and we had a really good talk. We have known that helping people with their stuff is right at the heart of what we're called to do, but honestly we've been forgetting that lately. We decided to go somewhere and really get on our knees and come together to ask God for "something big". And by something big I mean, we're ready to jump in together and cross this threshold of what God has lined up for us.

With no fear!

God has answered my prayers. The spoken and unspoken ones.

* * *

Also, I realized that I haven't shared any recent updates or sayings from my kids. Here you go...

Me: "Azzie, your pants are falling down..."
Azzie: "No, I like them like this...everyone wears boxers underneath and sweats halfway off like this" (By halfway off, I mean halfway off her bottom...yep, we're so there! And isn't it funny how in middle school, things are always done by "everyone" or "no one"??)

Shariah got a job! She's going to be taking care of the neighbor's two little dogs after school every day. This is great because it's gonna be a lo-o-ong time before I'll be ready for another dog, so my puppy-lovin' girl can get her daily fix while the neighbors can buy the food and worry about letting them out at night for potty breaks.

Emma had to go to the dentist and get a little cavity filled this morning, plus sealants on her baby teeth. When the nurse called her back, I got up too. She turned and said "Mo-om, you don't need to come with! I'll be alright." Oh, my baby girl is so grown up all of a sudden:*)

Ruby got up this morning, cleaned her room and came down completely dressed. She was wearing black leggings with ruffles at the bottom, a purple flowery layered skirt, a bright colored shirt (not matching the skirt) with butterflies and a sequined black sweater that I'm pretty sure has Hannah Montana on the label. She looked AWESOME! I looked closer to see she was wearing lip gloss and she'd brushed her hair. She's only four people!

Brayden is going through a jealous phase where he doesn't like me to hold anyone else, especially Emma for some reason. He screams "My mama, my mama, my mama" until she gets off my lap. Emma thinks this is funny and yesterday came and jumped on my lap, looked over at Brayden and said "My mama" in a perfectly snotty little voice. He ran over with his fist preceding him Pop-Eye style and punched her in the behind, with rage in his eyes and through gritted teeth threatened "MY MAMA!" Is it wrong that I think this is adorable???

Love and Laughter:)

Check This Out

2010-03-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

I still haven't completely figured out Youtube.

But I like finding music and other performance art to watch and found this guy, John Mark McMillan. I like his Folksy, bluezy sound and the lyrics are pretty good too:)

The video for this song was driving me crazy because it wasn't buffering good (is that how I say that??) so after starting it, press pause for about 5 minutes and go get a cup of coffee/tea before playing. I think it's worth it:)

She's Done It Again

2010-03-29T13:02:00.000-07:00

My friend Francine that is. She's gone and written another book that I've had so much trouble putting down to to do anything else including cleaning, taking care of my kids, sleeping, even eating. Yep, I'm still talking about "Her Mother's Hope".

This is the first day of Spring Break. Well, not the first day, but you know what I mean, right? I guess Saturday with the fundraiser and Sunday with church and another fundraiser didn't feel like the start of a break. Now I can breathe...and read:)

This morning I woke to the sounds of my children rising, the turning on of cartoons and the pouring of cereal and milk. It sounded like the bigger ones were taking care of the little ones so I decided to wait on my coffee and quickly read the end of the chapter that I hadn't finished last night because I had fallen asleep.

"Her Mother's Hope" is about mother-daughter relationships. Great, just what I needed. Well, seriously, couldn't all women use some healing when it comes to this area of our earthly lives???

The other thing that I love about all of her books are that they seem to come to me at the right time. The second part of the story (don't worry, no spoilers here) is about Hildemara who grows up to be a nurse around the time of the start of World War II. Her character is a compassionate person who empathizes with everyone. When she starts nursing she learns, at the advice of an older wiser nurse, to give her patients to Jesus in prayer as soon as she leaves their hospital room.

What a message for me! I find myself so easily burdened by other people's stuff, sometimes to the point of being kept up at night, losing my appetite and falling into depression.

Today I have had a few different urgent issues come to my attention and honestly they've already threatened to consume me with worry, fear and all sorts of internal dialog while I rehearse how I can "fix things".

So, today I'm asking for prayer. For me because in a little while I do have something to do. I've invited my younger brother over for a "chat" (confrontation). After feeling helpless this morning about a family situation that's growing in urgency (the details of that will have to wait) I prayed and without wording it asked God to show me what I could do. Right after I looked at my phone and realized my brother had texted me asking to come over. I replied that he could but he'd be having a talk with me, not coming over to play with his nieces and nephew. He agreed to come anyway.

Also pray for all these other prayer needs I've seen and heard. I don't want to give too many details to protect the privacy of family and friends, but if you could pray anyway I'd really appreciate it. These are people I love and lives that are desperately in need of God's loving grace.

So here I am, waiting for him. I know that I need to lay my own feelings aside, as well as my expectations of how this is going to go. I need to just let God show up here and do His thing. I know he's faithful and wants to rush in healing like a hurricane.

Lord help me.

I Shouldn't Be Taking the Time to Post This...

2010-03-27T10:01:00.001-07:00

But procrastination is one of my skillz!

I'm still needing to put the finishing touches on the raffle baskets and painting for our fundraiser tonight.

I have been feeling stressed about it all week but I realized that the things that I was feeling stressed about were completely out of my hands. My pastor's lovely wife sent me an email yesterday about how people were inviting quite a few non-Christians to this event. People who wouldn't otherwise step foot into a church. What a much needed reminder that this isn't about us. This isn't even about raising money. This is about women's lives. And God's in it. I'm just his servant.

Here's the flyer for our Honky Tonkin' BBQ.. (you gotta read it with a Southern accent y'all;)

Yesterday after realizing all of what I just said above I was going for a drive and letting that realization sink in. If you read this regularly you might know that car drives (especially long ones through the country) make me cry. So I'm driving along, spending some time with God and listening for awhile and this song comes on the radio. I love this song and love Addison Road, but hadn't really listened to the lyrics. So enjoy watching the video (isn't she gorgeous??) and really listen to these lyrics.

Much love today:)

I Caught the Mail Man

2010-03-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

I lost my set of keys which have the key to the mailbox, so I told my kids we had to wait outside so I could run and catch the mail man. Emma and Ruby immediately started giggling at the thought of me chasing the mail man and tackling him to the ground or something along those lines.

As soon as I saw him I made a run for it, with the still giggling girls following behind me ready to help. I got to him, a little short of breath, and explained that I lost my key (again) and asked for my mail. I grew anxious as he packaged what looked like bills into what looked like advertisements and it looked like that's all there was until....he reached back into the box for one more thing. A beautiful brown box from amazon.com!

I was so extemely excited to receive Francine Rivers newest book "Her Mother's Hope". I have literally been waiting for this book for years!

Let me tell you first of all one of the things that I'm pretty sure qualifies me as a nerd...if I like someone, an author, musician, speaker, ahemm...tv show (Lost) I stalk them! And by stalking them I mean more than becoming a fan on Facebook. I bookmark their website, read their fan mail, sometimes talk to other fans on their guestbook message board, read everything I can find about them and basically come to the point where I feel like they are really my friend.

So Francine Rivers is a friend of mine and she's been talking about her book for quite awhile now. The original release date was Fall of 2009 and I'm forgiving her for being a little behind because the first few chapters have been so good! Plus the reason the release date was pushed back was because her story, or saga, was too long so now I get to look forward to another book coming out soon that continues the legacy of young Marta from Switzerland.

I'm only a few chapters in so I'll have to give you more details later, but let me take this opportunity to tell you (probably again) about my Favorite. Book. Ever.

"Redeeming Love" also by Francine Rivers.

I was telling my neighbor about it recently and admitted that I allowed Redeeming Love to sit on my book shelf for quite awhile before someone encouraged me to read it. It looked like a Harloquen Romance novel (the only time I was into those was when I was probably 10 and my friend and I would sit in the back of the library skipping to the "good stuff"), and it was given to me by my mother in law, who read only what I thought were cheesy christian novels.

Redeeming Love is NOT a cheesy Christian novel! And it is NOT a explicit fluffy romance either, although Francine did write secular romance novels before she became a Christian. Redeeming Love, she has discribed as her statement of faith.

It's a story, similar to the book of Hosea in the bible, about a man who feels like God is calling him to marry a prostitute. He unconditionally loves her dispite the pain and rejection he faces because of her past.

I was in tears throughout the book, at first believing I wouldn't identify with Angel, the main female charactor, but in the end exclaiming that in so many ways I've been exactly the same as her.

Personally, the story brought healing that I was needing because of my past and I'm still thankful for how God used that book to bring positive changes in my mind and in my heart. The little book that looked like a romance novel and that was from my mother in law!

Have a lovely weekend:)

On the Coupon Bus and Other Stuff

2010-03-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a workshop put on by Amber at CouponConnectionsNW.com called "Couponing 101".

I've heard of people saving hundreds on their grocery bills. I've read a couple of books and gotten that the idea was to match coupons with store sales, but I couldn't see how it was that people were getting stuff for free or were actually ending up with a negative amount owing at the grocery store checkout.

Amber was talking about how much she loved Albertsons. She said during the workshop "They don't pay me to say this, they just pay me to take their groceries!"

The class was very helpful. I'm still processing a lot of the information and will be giving it a try, but starting slow (as she recommended). I like the idea of doing it as a game, but I don't know how I'll feel about going through the store line multiple times or to multiple stores in my gas guzzling vehicle.

We need to do something. Our budget has gone down repeatedly and honestly every month I usually exceed what we have set aside for groceries. The idea of actually being able to save for something is something I haven't even thought about for awhile and there are things I would like to save for. A trip to India for one! I'd also love to be able to give to the ministry that is helping my sister right now.

So, I'm going to try this out. If I post about it, you may not be too excited to read it because I doubt I'll be one of those people who walks out after the grocery clerk pays ME, but hopefully it will be somewhat encouraging nonetheless.

If you're interested in checking out a workshop click on the Coupon Connections NW link and subscribe. Or you can email me because I talked to Amber about possibly doing a class at my church as well.

* * *

On another note, I have so much on my to-do list today! I'm putting together some raffle prizes for a fundraiser we're doing for Women's Retreat scholarships. Today I'm basically running around picking stuff up.

I'm also needing to drop stuff off at the accountant, our attorney's office and my house is m-e-s-s-y!

This may sound strange but when I have so much to do I have to remind myself every hour that "first things first" so that I don't go up and crawl into bed or sit blankly in front of hulu shows...haha. I'm serious!

On top of that the kids have half days for the rest of the week. That could be good because I am also working on a painting as one of the raffle prizes. And did I mention the fundraiser is Saturday? Theoretically I can get this all done. I can't promise I won't go a little crazy in the process

And I have even more on my mind, which is my second reason for this post (and my excuse to be blogging when things need to be done). I was thinking maybe if I dump some of the stuff on my mind I might have an easier time with what I need to do.

I'm sorry, this post is getting really boring, huh?

Okay, quickly here we go in one big mind dumping paragraph - I'm planning on signing up for school. I keep seeing things about some bill of Obama's (when did our president's name become synonymous with giving away free money??? Just sayin' - and yes I'm looking for some of that free money) and how it supposedly expires in April. I'm guessing financial aid doesn't expire and it's just some advertisement for someone who wants business and internet clicks, but I don't have time to research it. Anyone reading know about this? I'm planning on applying for financial aid anyway but should I be doing something beyond that??? I heard this message at bible study yesterday and it kind of got me thinking about us renting out our house and going away for awhile. The speaker was talking about following where the Lord wants you and being in transition. But I feel like we are in transition even though we're staying in the same place. And if we left (my husband and I have talked about this) what about our kids and school and activities and everything. I'd love for us to be able to spend some real time together as a family, without the distractions of life, but in my mind that's impossible. I don't even think our two oldest girls would want to go with us. I don't know. Also I heard a good show on Focus on the Family about children and discipline. I'd love to be able to listen to it with Bill because being on the same page is something we've always struggled with and I'd love to be able to listen/watch/read something together because I think it would be really great for us. I know I should be praying about all of this and more. Some neighbors are losing their home and moving soon. I just met this neighbor after they'd lived here for a year and I'm sad that they're leaving now.

Well, I think that's all for now. If you've gotten this far thanks for listening:)

Rainy Days Are For Staying In Bed

2010-03-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I found myself accidentally making plans to do just that when I was awakened this morning at 3:30 am to the sound of my window dripping. The joys of living in an old house for sure...

I went to grab a towel and secured it on the windowsill, held on with the blinds, and crawled back under my warm covers. Thoughts of staying there as long as possible, curled up with a good book, dreams of hot coffee brought to me on a tray...okay I'm going too far there.

I'm obviously not there because schools don't close for rainy days around here. Little ones need their breakfasts, too many emails are calling for my attention, laundry needs to be done (with new motivation I'll add).

But I'm thinking nap time will be my opportunity and I'm kind of hoping it will still be raining.

I'm reading a book by one of my all time favorite authors, Madeleine L'Engle. "Two-Part Invention" is the true story of her marriage and she's writing while her husband is sick and slowly dying from cancer. It's a beautiful story of love and pain.

Let me just write a couple of these thoughtful quotes which directly answer questions that have been on my mind and in my heart:

"If we don't pray according to the needs of the heart, we repress our deepest longings. Our prayers may not be rational, and we may be quite aware of that, but if we repress our needs, then those unsaid prayers will fester." (page 94)

"I do not want ever to be indifferent to the joys and beauties of this life. For through these, as through pain, we are enabled to see purpose in randomness, pattern in chaos. We do not have to understand in order to believe that behind the mystery and the fascination there is love." (page 123)

In response to a card she received which read "He settesth in pain the jewels of his love" she writes "God can provide the setting in which the pearl of pain is places."

And bear with me...this ones kinda deep;)

"If we human beings were truly aware that all creation is a unity, as two lovers are aware of unity, wouldn't we treat each other better?...We are one planet, a single organism. What happens on this floor makes a difference everywhere. For the entire universe with its countless galaxies is the settling for this pearl of pain."

Just what I've needed. Thank you Lord for turning my focus away from myself this week and today.

Won't You Please, Please Help Me?

2010-03-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

In the words of the Beattles "Help me if you can, I'm feeling down. And I do appreciate you being 'round. Help me get my feet back on the ground. Won't you please, please help me?"

Okay, so I'm not so sure about my timing for this post. If you are reading this today you are probably feeling like relaxing for the weekend. And I realize these pictures that I'm about to show you are not relaxing to look at!

But here we go into another weekend, a whole workweek has gone by, and I'd love to have everything done, the house clean, things organized, so that our family can go off and enjoy this beautiful Northwest weather and not have to worry about finding a clean matching outfit for church on Sunday morning!

I am having a laundry crisis! It was just a laundry problem, but my ideas for making this work, in a house with seven people, as an organizationally challenged individual, have turned into more of a path toward insanity!

Yes, I had to pry the door open, although I was tempted just to leave it shut and stay outside. Scary huh? And don't mind the gross old 70's flooring. Soon, that will change:)

I'm an oldest child and according to Kevin Leman, and my self-diagnosis, I am a "discouraged perfectionist" with emphasis on the discouraged part at the moment! I like to work with systems when it comes to house cleaning. My usual one is that I start at one end and work my way to the other. My husband thinks it's funny to watch as I move my piles from coffee table to dining table to kitchen counters before I eventually put things where they go. But it works.

My laundry system is NOT working! My plan was to wash my husbands, mine, Ruby's and Brayden's clothes on Monday. They'd be washed, folded and put away. Tuesday I am only home in the afternoon, so I'd wash Emma's clothes and any bedding that's needing it and after school Azzie and Shariah would each wash their own clothes. Again they'd all be folded and put away the same day. Wednesday was for getting caught up on anything I missed. The other days theoretically I would be only doing laundry on a need to wear basis and most likely washing a load each day. Sound a little crazy? Are you confused?

So, it's been about six weeks and that system has failed over and over. Now it's Friday and my laundry room looks like these pictures (they were taken last week so there is your proof that this cycle is repeating itself!)

Yeah, what is the definition of insanity? Trying the same thing and expecting different results right? Where did that definition of insanity come from anyway?? Just wondering...

This is my "folding table". I've since taken out the table, unloaded most of the stuff on it at the Goodwill, and my husband is going to be installing lower cabinets, so how can I make sure they don't ever look like this??

I would love my bedroom to be my place of rest and relaxation. But how, when there's always clothes to fold and socks to match...

This is a chair that would be so relaxing to sit in a curl up with a good book...if it wasn't piled with clean clothes...always...

So, I need help. Advice. Seriously I give up! Or I need cheap laundry service to come and do this for me.

I need encouragement too. I mentioned that I was discouraged and it's so true. I seriously want to close the door of the laundry room and announce that we're becoming nudists. I think Ruby and Brayden and maybe even Emma would absolutely love that idea, but no one else is going to go for that. They might ship me off somewhere...hmmm...sounds nice...

Just Plain Cranky!

2010-03-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

I was planning a rather humiliating post for today, but I think it's going to have to wait until tomorrow....

I'll give you a hint...

I include some very embarrassing pictures that might make anyone left reading my blog stop clicking on me...

Except for you Megan. I know you love me no matter what:)

I was planning on posting about my "home crisis" (there's another hint), but last night and this morning I was in such a horrible stinkin' mood that I chickened out...

I was seriously grumpy and you know how a little grumpiness quickly turns into a slippery steep slide downhill? That's where I was. Little things turned into more little things and then it all seemed pretty big and I ended up putting myself to bed after I got the kids all tucked in.

I opened my bible with the question "What is the point of any of this????" I felt like I should read Isaiah 55 (always good) so I turned there.

Here's what spoke to me:

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."

I went to bed vowing to make changes that can start with myself. I'm working on that today so I'll let you know how I do tomorrow:)

A Nice Walk With A Handsome Little Man

2010-03-15T09:14:00.001-07:00

On Saturday Brayden and I had some time to spend together, so we decided to go for a walk. I pushed him in the stroller and since we were having nice weather at the moment we decided to go further up the hill, where there are beautiful views of the water and the snow capped Olympic Mountains.

We were walking along and kind of singing together. Yep, my son sings with me:) I was asking him to point out things like grass, sky, trees, etc. and then started asking him about colors. I said "the grass is green" and he said "nu-uh, Mom, it's blue!"

I said "The sky is blue Brayden," to which he again said "Nu-uh, Mom, it's green." If my son decides not to be a singer, maybe he'll have a great career in law! Just kidding.

Then we were walking along looking at the water and a couple of birds flew high above us. I stopped and said "Look Brayden, birds," but he had already seen them. He had his two little fingers pointed (machine gun style) and said "Bogshhh" (the best way I can spell out his gunshot sound effect).

My son was shooting the birds! After he felt like he made the shot, he lowered his weapon and stuck one of his fingers back in his mouth like nothing!

Oh my, boys are so different!

Just a Check-up

2010-03-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

We had a traumatic morning in the doctor's office yesterday and I'm still recovering!

I know there's been so much out there about immunizations and my non-confrontive self is a little nervous about posting anything about any of it, but yesterday's experience is one I just have to talk about. I'll just say that what I'm discribing is what we do and if you do something different, good for you:)

Personally I think most of the vaccines are very important in keeping my children and others safe from dangerous diseases.

We decided to delay our vaccines. I've never allowed the Hep B shot in the hospital, but with Brayden, going a more natural route overall, we delayed his first vaccines until he was 9 months.

There's two popular ways you can delay vaccines. One route you can go is separating all the vaccines out so you're not putting so many different toxins in their bodies at once. But when you do this you end up going back practically every single month to get poked...not in my mind a good idea...

Note~There is a good resourse by Dr.Sears, from his website AskDrSears.com. Here is what he says about immunizations.

The other way is to start late and spread them out a little farther than what's on the regular schedule. The point is to help your baby build their immune system between shots. This is what we have done, but it means that when the kids get shots they each will get up to five (usually combined into 3 or 4 pokes).

So yesterday was the day. And to make things "easy" for me I made back to back appointments for Brayden, Ruby and Emma.

Everyone's doing well, growing fine, developing great.

In fact we can't call Ruby "little Ruby" anymore because she's in the 80% range for her weight! Wow, since for awhile there we had so much trouble keeping weight on her and getting her actually on the charts!

Then it came time for the shots...the nurse came in and said "So, how should we do this mom?" I told her Emma was going first (since she only had one little catch up shot) and she was going to show Ruby and Brayden how brave she'd be. Her voice started shaking a little when she hopped up on the seat. Then she saw the needle...

It was all down hill from there! Emma started crying, thrashing and kicking. I tried not to be embarrassed when the nurse called for back up...

After Emma was done I looked at Brayden and Ruby and Brayden said "Ruby go!" So it was Ruby's turn and Emma, who was supposed to be being helpful, was trying to fight her way across the small exam room to save Ruby from the mean needle people. She was crying hysterically at this point saying "Don't poke her with that thing! Don't hurt my sister!"

It went on like this and at one point every kid of mine was crying hysterically. It was traumatic for everyone including myself.

Maybe there is something to going every single month because they get used to needles. Or maybe it would just be everyone crying month after month.

I think that's why I spent pretty much all of yesterday being pretty lazy:)

Oh and after the kids picked out stickers and suckers we were leaving. Emma, who had had her shot on her arm, rolled up her sleeve so everyone in the room could see her tough snoopy band aid...LOL.

What I Learned At Bible Study

2010-03-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

This is a sidenote from what I was planning on talking about but I just want to throw in that it's really nice that even though I live in a small town, there seems to be a women's event for wherever you are in life. There's MOPS, homeschool co-ops, reading groups, play groups, precepts bible studies, Beth Moore bible studies, basically anything you feel like.

I like that because I've been in places where it's difficult to start, let alone finish a book, and then again I've been in places where I just can't get enough of the bible and studying each and every word is important to me.

Right now I'm going to a weekly women's bible study at The City Church, which is a big church with several different campuses. They have different speakers every week and they definitely lean toward the more joyful, charasmatic side of things. Not what I'm used to or always comfortable with but they are amazing women, it's a good church and it's perfect for where I'm at right now.

But here's what I want to tell you about... This week they invited a speaker named Deborah Enos, who is a certified nutritionist. She gave a 90 minute presentation on good health and good eating. She's written a book called "Weight a Minute" which has chapters that you can literally read in one to two minutes! After a morning of her giving practical tips on healthy eating, I purchased her book and devoured its contents over a cup of afternoon coffee.

What she said resonnated so much with my own feelings about food and health, what I've learned from watching Food Inc. and other good information that I've picked up along the way.

Her book is NOT talking about a diet. It's a long term plan that supports simple principles that you can live by.

For instance she says to eat breakfast within 30 - 45 minutes of waking up. This jumpstarts your metabolism and can improve your whole day! She gives good examples of breakfasts filled with protein and fiber which will keep you full for three hours and curb sugar cravings that magically appear, at my house, around naptime;)

She also talked about being positive about ourselves and our bodies and instead of focusing on what we think needs to change, focusing on what's good. Being healthy starts in our minds.

You may be rolling your eyes at this point, sometimes I do when it comes to the whole "positive confessions". But Deborah Enos did have a lot of good things to say that I already agreed with so I guess I could give some of that positive thinking a chance;)

One more thing. After watching Food Inc. which I mentioned awhile back, I felt very overwhelmed on my next trip to the grocery store. I felt so convicted about the way big meat companies treated their animals and was sold on the health benefits of grass fed cows, free range eggs and organic fruits and veggies, but didn't know a simple way to go about changing our habits. I found myself vigorously scrutinizing every package and label and driving my kids crazy in the process.

Deborah's simple practical tips made my next grocery store visit much more exciting and reasonable. Instead of walking out with next to nothing I had a weeks worth of meals planned out...breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks!

Eleven Years Ago...

2010-03-10T16:51:00.001-08:00

Eleven years ago today my daughter, Shariah Dawn, was born after a traumatic labor, to a naive young mother, who didn't know what she didn't know...

Thankfully, truly by God's grace and nothing else, we both survived. Shariah inherited my grandmother's beautiful strawberry blond locks along with my blue eyes and stubborn will. The nurse looked her over and pointed out how with her lovely long fingers she would be able to do anything in life. So true.

I've been reading this book called "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. In it, when he talks about living with people, he says that when he was alone he really believed his life was a movie and he was the star, after all, he was in every single scene. (I'll tell you more about the book later...)

But I think that's why I consider the experience of bringing my firstborn daughter into this world the beginning of my story. At least it's the part where my story gets good. (If you're wondering I had my daughter before meeting my husband).

Not to say anything about teenage girls in general, but me? I was pretty shallow and self-centered! I was all about living for the moment and the day, having fun, regardless of consequences. I knew barely anything of love, friendship, sacrifice, loyalty or self-control.

My story begins with my daughter because I realized very quickly that my life is about those around me. They are the characters of the deeper story.

* * *

Today for Shariah's birthday I decided to style her hair. I cut her bangs shorter and gave her the flower clip, which I won from Amber at Coupon Connections NW, put on some sheer lip gloss (cuz she's 11). Everyone at school loved the clip, but a couple of boys made fun of her bangs and told her she looked weird...

I'm sorry girl, welcome to full blown adolescence...I'd consider skipping those years personally!

The funny/not so funny thing is, when I turned 11 I wore my pink flowery pants, baby pink shirt, with a matching flowery collar. I swept my hair mostly over to one side and completed the look with a baby pink barrette and shimmery pink lip gloss.

And a girl told me I looked weird!

Now I feel bad. I should have remembered that experience, which I'm sure I carried on my sensitive shoulders throughout middle school.

Hopefully my daughter will surpass me greatly in strength, beauty, wisdom and grace. Happy Birthday Shariah!

Sigh...

My B-Day in Pictures

2010-03-01T12:42:00.001-08:00

Yay! I finally found my USB cord so I can once again upload pictures. It might be a little late to show you Christmas pictures, but here's a bunch from yesterday...

(I'm pretty much the only picture taker around here and I was feeling like I'd been a little left out lately so bear with all of the self-taken arm in view shots...)

Appetizers inspired by Julia

New shoes

Flowers from my man!

Ruby (like her bangs?) and ME

I can only get my kids to take sweet pictures if I guarantee them a silly shot:)

My favorite dinner: Grilled salmon, baby red potatoes in butter and parsley and blanched asparagus...mmmm:)

My little angels

See?

My other little angels

Emma Joy and ME

I bet you're thinking I'm the one who really enjoys the silly shots...okay, you're right;)

ME and my MAN

ME and my *little* man

Dessert...mmmmm:)

Too bad there is still half of that cake sitting in my fridge calling my name....I....must....resist....the cheesecake....ugh

All in all fun birthday

Loved the family time

Doesn't feel like 30 years has gone by....

....okay it does

It's My Birthday!

2010-02-28T14:43:00.000-08:00

"It's all about me ME me..." ~Julie Powell from Julie and Julia

This morning the girl at the coffee stand said "So what's new?" I got a big smile and said "It's my birthday! I'm 30!" Nope, no holding back for me;)

There are a few different traditions that I became pretty accustomed to as a kid and I still think they are very necessary! After 6 1/2 years of marriage my husband is learning to entertain my fancies.

All of my requests came from my mom and her making a very big deal out of birthdays. We always had more than one party, a family and then a friend party, and then of course there were treats and balloons delivered to school at some point. Birthdays were celebrated at least all weekend long and sometimes all week. My mom cooked whatever we wanted for dinner and the birthday kid always got to check the mailbox. Birthdays were a big deal, as they should be:) Of course my mom would do other stuff like tell us about the day we were born.

A few years ago my husband was taking me out to dinner for my birthday. He made reservations at Anthony's Woodfire Grill (one of our favorite restaurants) and I was excited about all the initiative he'd put into this. Then we got to the restaurant and when the hostess was taking us to our seats I didn't think there was anything abnormal about a huge table of people with menus high up in front of their faces. I was TOTALLY surprised when the menus lowered and a bunch of close friends exclaimed "surprise, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" It was so much fun and I felt really special.

So yesterday we went out to dinner, just the two of us. Before that Bill went and browsed through Half Price Books and he didn't complain once about being there so long. We then went and got coffee and he bought me a box of Thin Mints outside on the sidewalk. Then we walked around the mall for awhile and I got some really cute shoes. I can't upload pictures until I find my USB cable so you'll have to take my word for it!

On the way home I returned a movie to the red box and rented "Julie and Julia". I was content with our simple and relaxing evening together and excited to have a glass of wine, half of box of thin mint cookies and relax in bed and watch MY movie while my husband watched HIS movie downstairs.

I really was wanting this but when I started the movie and realized it was about a girl (Julie) turning 30 and being unhappy with her life I almost choked on my Cabernet and actually shed a couple of tears at the irony. I shrugged off any further tears, stuck a whole cookie in my mouth and washed it down with another gulp of wine.

Actually the movie was so good. Meryl Streep deserves an Oscar for her performance and I always LOVE Amy Adams. If you haven't seen it, this is one to rent! It will inspire you to cook, love your significant other more, follow your passion and dream for life and not let discouragement get the best of you.

I haven't got Julia's cookbook yet, so these aren't her recipes, but tonight for my birthday dinner I'm making herb crusted wild salmon, baby red potatoes with butter and parsley and asparagus with more butter. Then I'm thinking chocolate mousse for dessert...

~Bon Appetit

Your Hands

2010-02-26T15:20:00.000-08:00

I love this song "Your Hands" by JJ Heller. Today I was reading a story to Ruby and Brayden before putting them down for a nap and this song was on softly in the background. Suddenly I realized Brayden was singing it with his eyes closed instead of listening to the book. So cute! Amongst all the things he has in him to be, he's also our little singer and hearing his little voice totally brings me joy:)

Lots of love today,
Jewel

Good-bye

2010-02-19T09:06:00.000-08:00

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere. Psalm 84:10

I arrived in Wichita, Kansas the day after my grandfather "Pops" passed away peacefully after suffering a major stroke. Originally we'd scheduled our travel plans thinking we'd be going back there to care for him and for my grandma "Muma" because he didn't have a hospice nurse assigned to him, despite the fact that they'd sent him home to die.

He returned to the hospital Friday night after a nurse advised the family that his condo where he's lived for the past twenty years was unsafe. He died Saturday morning, peacefully, in his sleep, with his only son by his side.

On the plane ride to Kansas, a woman sitting by me said "Tell me about your grandfather..."

What spilled out were all amazing things and I realized I had not one negative trait to share. He fought in World War II in the battle at Normandy as well as four other major battles. He devoted his life to being a mortician because "some one's gotta do it". He made his seven children feel rich even though they didn't have a lot of money. He would pull his car over, get out and give money to a homeless man, not to be seen and recognized be anyone accept for our Father in heaven (I only know this because someone in the family saw him do it - he got caught). During the Vietnam War, he sponsored refugees to come over and get an education and citizenship. He had a list of all the birthdays of his children, their spouses, grandchildren and great-grandchildren (last I counted there were 71) and sent $20 bills faithfully every year.

Honestly I could go on and on. He was an amazing man. He was ready to go, for he had made it clear as long as my mom can remember that this world was not his home:*)

While I was in Kansas, I ended up sleeping in his bed. I loved feeling close to him since we hadn't made it in time to say good-bye face to face. When I went to bed that first night I reflected on just being there with the pictures and walls he'd looked at every day. There were numerous pictures of the crucifixion, Mary, as well as pictures of his children and family. I fell asleep wondering if I'd hear some sort of message from him or from God.

Then the next morning I woke up with that verse that above on my lips. Actually it's a song. I knew it was somewhere in the Psalms so I found Psalm 84. How amazing since he'd actually just had his first full day in heaven!

How lovely is your dwelling place,

O LORD Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints,

for the courts of the LORD;

my heart and my flesh cry out

for the living God.
Even the sparrow has found a home,

and the swallow a nest for herself,

where she may have her young—

a place near your altar,

O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

Blessed are those who dwell in your house;

they are ever praising you.

Selah

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,

who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,

they make it a place of springs;

the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,

till each appears before God in Zion.
Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;

listen to me, O God of Jacob.

Selah

Look upon our shield, O God;

look with favor on your anointed one.
Better is one day in your courts

than a thousand elsewhere;

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God

than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;

the LORD bestows favor and honor;

no good thing does he withhold

from those whose walk is blameless.
O LORD Almighty,

blessed is the man who trusts in you.

Cute Giveaway

2010-02-11T16:15:00.001-08:00

My friend is hosting a giveaway over at Coupon Connections. Check out her blog or click on the button over on the right.

I'll also throw in that she is hosting a coupon class "Couponing 101" on February 18th and I plan on attending! Seriously her grocery store receipts are crazy!

Glimpse of Love

2010-02-11T10:47:00.000-08:00

There is a prayer that God loves to answer and I used to actually feel guilty for needing to pray this but now I'm learning to ask for it on a regular basis. I pray for him to show me tangible love. For too long I settled for the mere concept of God’s love, like knowing about it and thinking that’s all there was. I felt like I should be above needing to see it in this world that we live in.

But God doesn’t want us to just know that his unconditional love exists, He wants to show us! I experienced this a couple of weeks ago when I was super down and depressed at church. I’d probably been feeling that way all week, but it became the most apparent when the preacher was preaching about good things, the worship music was playing lovely songs, people around me were happy and I wanted to roll my eyes, shrink into a corner and cry. Melodramatic as usual you may be thinking.

I was so empty. Too empty to put on a nice smile and say hi to friends on the way out. Too empty to sing and definitely too empty to see any people around me who may be hurting and in need of a friend. If things didn’t change in me soon the ride home from church was bound to be “super fun” for my whole family.

So I prayed and asked God to give me a sign that He even loved me. It was too desperate to even analyze and think that what I was asking was selfish. I was too desperate to gather a list together in my mind of different things that God could do for me right then to show his love. I was asking and I didn’t care how he answered, I just needed something!

Blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall see the Kingdom of God. Matthew 5:3

Right after I prayed that I saw an old friend with her husband and new baby. I hadn’t seen them in months and as soon as the singing ended I made my way over there…she had a brand new baby and even if I’m feeling lower than low I will make time for a baby!

We talked for a little while and she told me that when they were talking about visiting the church the main reason was that they wanted to see me and my husband! She is NOT the type of person to say things that she knows you want to hear and how could she have known that I wanted to hear that anyway??

She also asked the dreaded question after seeing through my “I’m doing fine…” (said through gritted teeth). She said “How are you really doing???” Ahhh, I totally broke down and cried and spilled out how I was really doing...

On the ride home though I felt amazing at that tangible showing of God’s love to me.

Have you ever read “The Five Love Languages”? That book revolutionized my thinking when we were first married. I remember, at some point in our first year of marriage, my husband saying “Do you even love me???” I was like “Of course, how could you even ask that? I cook for you; I pick up your dirty clothes without complaining! I rub your back in the evening and wake up early to make you coffee and lunch!” He said “But you never tell me what you think of me, you say ‘I love you’ but you never say more than that…”

My husband was needing words of affirmation (his main love language) and I was pouring on him acts of service (mine). The idea was completely novel to me but it made sense and I admitted that I wasn't feeling too loved myself, since I was feeling like I was doing more for him and internalizing my complaints... At first the words of affirmation were completely forced and unnatural but the more I said them the more easily they came. I realized that I didn’t have to make every affirmation sound like a greeting card and actually the way I talk to my husband is pretty similar to the way I talk to my son, LOL... "You are such a big strong man…show me those muscles”. He loves it, imagine that!

God created us to love and be loved in ways that we can feel deep in our hearts. He also wants to be a part of that so he also wants to show us love in the language that speaks to us.

So this week I was feeling a little low once again and I said that same prayer. And God has this time rained down on me His love. Mostly in the way of people I’ve talked to. I’ve had several conversations in the last few days that have gone into the deep almost immediately. I’ve been able to open up about things that I really needed to and these other women have either opened up about things to me (which always blesses me) or have poured positive things into me. Saying that prayer and waiting for God to answer I believe helped me to receive things that they were saying.

Grace is around us all the time and sometimes our eyes just need to be opened to it.

Something else happened that was pretty cool. I really have needed a toddler bed for Brayden and we don’t have the money to buy one right now. I’ve prayed for one and asked people on facebook, but couldn’t find one. I was just thinking of ways to go and buy one because someone gave us a new bed for Ruby. I thought about using it for Brayden, but it’s pretty girly.

It occurred to me though yesterday that when I set up this bed for Ruby we’ll have an extra twin mattress and I wondered what I was going to do with it. Then yesterday afternoon a friend on Facebook (actually my Zumba instructor…I don’t really know her) said she was needing a twin sized mattress and she would trade a toddler bed!

This might just seem like a nice coincidence to most people, but I take everything personally and love to see God’s hand work.

I know this post is already very long but I just want to post these lyrics to a song by Jennifer Knapp from her album “Kansas”…

“All the chistles I've dulled carving idols of stone

That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.

I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand

just to watch, them all wash away.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I see.

And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand

You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well

I have thrown like stones to the sea.

I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly for a faith

To be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I see.

And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand

You're the only one who's faithful to me.

You're the only one who's faithful to me.”

Devotion

2010-02-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3-10

I may have been having an emotional moment but when I read this yesterday I felt like crying. Not sure why. Maybe because the verse about hungering after righteousness is the meaning of my son's name and something I pray for him every night.

Perhaps I was thinking of the persecuted church and the horrific experiences that we in our comfortable houses CANNOT imagine!

I think though I was just feeling comforted by God's Spirit in realizing that He cares about us when we're down or "poor in spirit". That he notices the peacemaking qualities that most other people look past. Other people look at our outward appearance and judge us but God sees our heart. I love that!

Progress

2010-01-29T10:08:00.000-08:00

...Not perfection right??? I've been slower on my "plan to eat better and be healthier" than I was planning but I am making progress so I'm proud of myself. I do tend to be a discouraged perfectionist sometimes and when I can't do it perfectly I get overwhelmed and give up altogether. If you don't believe me look at my laundry room which I have given up on at the moment.

I haven't stuck with my fast perfectly. I blame my husband who said he is NOT going completely without meat this year. So for the first few days I was eating good during the day but when he'd get home I'd eat a big dinner. I also wasn't completely staying away from sugar and I was considering french fries "veggies". I know they are but deep fried veggies aren't on the plan;)

But for the last few days I've been being good and sticking with my fast. Remember no meat, no sugar, no hydrogenated oils....well instead of telling you what I can't eat again I'll tell you what my typical day looks like. I wish I could post pictures because all these fruits and veggies is making very pretty meals.

Breakfast ~ oatmeal with some blueberries and honey or cheerios with rice milk.

Lunch ~ a sandwich with hummus, cucumber slices and red pepper slices on Ezekiel bread or a spinach salad with cranberries, cucumbers and walnuts with low fat raspberry dressing.

Dinner ~ Brown rice, beans with homemade salsa basically every night.

I considered coffee "fruit of the earth" and am continuing to drink it although I cut back to a cup a day and drink it black. I've been drinking green tea instead of my afternoon cup.

As for my working out I've been going to zumba 2x a week and getting my cardio in. I've also been doing "core training" (put in quotes because I don't know if I'm using that term correctly). Basically I'm using my early 90's abs and buns videos....gotta love the spandex though. ~Did you know kids are wearing those again???~

My stomach muscles separated after having each one of my kids, but after having Ruby they never had a chance to go back together. Since my stomach is basically doing nothing to help carry my weight all that pressure has been on my back. This explains so much since my back has literally gone out several times since Brayden was born. I'll be bending over to pick something up and wont be able to stand up. It's bad.

So, this whole thing is long overdo.

And now I'm going to go clean my laundry room...:)

Some Good Reads!

2010-01-28T09:40:00.000-08:00

After Christmas I got sick with something that kept feeling like it was going to turn into a sinus infection and/or pneumonia so I (learning from my mistake a few months ago) decided to stay in bed and rest while covered in Vick's vapor rub:) This gave me some time to catch up on reading and I discovered some good books that had been laying around my house for quite a while now.

1. Fight Like a Girl by Lisa Bevere
I hadn't read it before because I kind of assumed it was another Joyce Meyerish "I am a christian victorious woman, hear me roar..." Not that I have anything against Joyce Meyer. She's an excellent bible teacher, but I could not get through the confident woman. Her tone was too defensive.

That's not what I wanted to talk about though. Lisa Bevere is one of my favorite authors/speakers. I find her so inspiring and what she says is biblically true but also fresh and lively. In Fight Like a Girl she talks about the power of our femininity and how we were created as an answer to a problem (Adam was alone and needed a companion) and how when Eve ate the apple she used her influence and became more of a problem than an answer. She talked about how we are made to feel like problems and so so related to this. This goes along with what John Eldridge wrote in Captivating about women feeling like they are "too much" or "not enough". We are too emotional, too manipulative, too angry, etc. Or we are not good enough. Feeling like problems we behave like problems. This message really spoke to me in how to talk to my girls. When I talk to them am I speaking to them as if they are a problem or an answer? It's really interesting when I think about that and think about how to approach them differently.

2. Under Cover by John Bevere
John Bevere is a better known author and speaker than his wife Lisa, but I'd never read any of his books. I was intrigued though because of what she's said about him and their marriage in her own books. What she said about him reminded me of my own husband so I actually got a couple of his books for Bill to read, but they ended up on my side of the bed. Under Cover was a pretty easy read about being under authority and how God places those people in authority for his purpose. It was interesting relating to the church, the government and even the family.

3. Driven by Eternity by John Bevere
I have seriously never read so many non-fiction books in so short of time, but these were really good reads and each one seemed to play on the things I learned in the last so I just kept going.

Driven by Eternity really shook me up. It's about heaven and hell and basically he's just bringing scriptures together which talk about the two with an allegory thrown in which I think I'll share with my kids. I have to say that I don't think about hell too often and I honestly have gotten caught up in thinking what many churches preach today (or at least preach by lack of sermon coverage). That is I know I wouldn't want to go there because I love God and want to be in heaven with him, but it probably wont really be THAT bad for the people who do end up there...no fun for sure, but all that stuff about lakes of fire and brimstone and worms that never die is just for effect...right?... So needless to say this book shook me up! I have to say it also upset my theology quite a bit and I think that's a good thing:) Driven by Eternity is a must read for every Christian and every person. It renewed in me a passion to see people come to Jesus which kind of led me to my next book...

4. No Compromise, The Keith Green Story by Melody Green
My parents were hippies who because Christians in the late 70's so I know Keith Green quite well. I grew up listening to him, Terry Talbot and the 2nd Chapter of Acts. Not only did we listen to their tapes, but we sang their songs when friends came over to visit. (Can you picture it???)My mom and dad named my sister Bethany, after Keith and Melody's 2 year old daughter who died in the plane crash with Keith, her 3 year old brother, the pilot and a family of 8.

But I never knew most of what was in his story No Compromise. The way he came to the Lord was inspiring to someone who's been a Christian all her life. He was totally zealous for God and not ashamed of it! They got people saved, offended people, shook people in their complacency and offered room to anyone who needed a place to stay. They started something called Last Days Ministries where people could come and live while they got their lives on track. They distributed thousands of newsletters, gave away copies of his album for free at his concerts, and did so much more.

5. Seven Habits for Highly Effective Families. I'm reading this right now and it might take me longer than all of the others. I'll have to write more about it later. What I've read so far is really good though and I think will really help me with some of things I've wanted to implement in our home, but have not really known how.

Back on the Blog

2010-01-08T21:27:00.001-08:00

I've been so sporadic over the last couple of months that I don't blame you if you just roll your eyes and shake your head at the thought of me and anything I would have to say. I don't blame ya!

I needed a break....from everything! Of course, that's impossible...I'm a mom. I get a break when I have laundry so backed up I have to make a trip with a car load of clothes to the laundry mat, and isn't that nice?!? Well at certain times it's nice and other times you'd think you stepped into an episode of Blind Date. Yeah, Friday nights I stay away:(

I'll tell you later why I had to stay away for so long. I'll also go into more details about what's going on now. For now you some small tidbits of what I've been up to...

A kitchen remodel. I can't stop smiling when I go in there and look. This has been long coming and really long coming since we have had all the materials sitting in our garage blocking my way to our meat freezer! It's going to be beautiful. New cabinets, new flooring, a new more open floor plan. A big new refer and beautiful granite counter tops. We are going somewhat economical on this whole deal so my new kitchen might not look like every one's dream, but I can't wait.

I'm once again on a "Daniel fast". I did it last year for the first three weeks in January and although my life didn't automatically get rained on by God's blessings...or has it and I've been unaware??? but it was one of those things where you just know you are being obedient and that's a blessing in itself. I WILL post more about this over the next few days, especially because of what I've been learning about food. A daniel fast is basically like eating in the Garden of Eden. I'm sure I'll be able to post this years positive results soon, but last year I remember having so much extra energy and feeling so good. My husband remembers me chasing him around the house looking for loves! Seriously, it's amazing what some extra energy can do for a girl! Right now I'm feeling my body detoxify itself and it's not exactly fun! Well either I'm detoxing or discovering that beans are not really my friend...

I've had a lot of heaviness on my heart too. My Christmas was not so much fun and the couple weeks after and before weren't that great either. I mean, we had a lovely Christmas and I was really happy with our kids and all, but I just had something else going on. I'll probably share a little more about that.

So aren't you glad I came back with nothing but teasers?!?

My new years resolutions are this...1. eat better, 2. love better and 3. write!

Happy New Year!

Sometimes it's better not knowing...

2009-12-18T09:15:00.000-08:00

Because when you have the information you have to do something with it, you can no longer go along in ignorant bliss. So, I've heard all this stuff about where our meat comes from and so far I've really looked at things from a mom point of view. I was concerned about the amount of hormones in milk and meat because I have girls (I imagine it's not good for boys either) and I didn't want them developing breasts at the age of 5 and having to deal with their period when they turn 8, know what I mean???

So, I usually chose natural meat and organic milk...usually. I limited fast food because common sense told me that would be the worst when it came to things like that, but we haven't avoided it altogether. After all, it is convenient when we're out to run through the McDonald's drive through and pick up something from their dollar menu.

But then I watched the documentary Food Inc. You can also find out about more about it at www.foodincmovie.com

Now I'm stuck with what I'm going to make for our family Christmas party tomorrow. I was planning on making a ham, but after watching how they treat the pigs and the workers who work in the slaughter houses I just can't. I'm not a big animal rights person, but it was just ridiculously cruel.

I won't give you a bunch more details. I already talked Bill's ear off and we agreed to do some things differently so I'll just tell you those and the reasons behind it.

Buying meat from self sustaining local farms. These farms are small and seem to focus on producing a healthy product for their customer, rather than growing to be the biggest and richest businesses in the country. Because of that these people have an uphill battle against the big meat companies and their lobbies ts in Washington.
Buying grass fed local beef. Feeding cows corn actually makes them more acidic which makes it more likely the cow will have ecoli or some other bacteria and also makes our bodies more prone to infection.
Planning ahead to avoid fast food. I admit, the times that we do stop and get fast food is because I did not plan ahead and simply bring something from home, or better yet, plan on being at home around meal time.
Making stuff from scratch. We all know the benefits of less processed and preserved food.
Making salmon for Christmas dinner. They didn't say anything about the fishing industry and I would think that with a wild salmon I should be safe. If that movie comes out I'm NOT watching it!

Some Fabulous Giveaways

2009-12-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

Daisymay at Daisy Dayz is giving away some beautiful jewelry.

Another good one!

2009-12-14T09:27:00.001-08:00

Here is another one that you should go and read. I burst into tears when I saw all the pictures of how happy their daughter was to be found. Wow!

A blog worth your glance

2009-12-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share about this blog that I recently became aquainted with. This family is adopting a child from China right now and definitely needs prayer and support!

Week One lesson - Learn how to deal with failure

2009-12-11T13:17:00.001-08:00

That's right after posting to all of everyone who comes accross this blog about a week ago, I have to admit that I have pretty much completely failed in my journey to being healthier...

In fact, after having a healthy breakfast of cheerios this morning I realized we still had ice cream leftover from Brayden's birthday and served myself a bowl. I really have no excuse for that and now I'm feeling not too hot!

My friends and I had a toy exchange last night and I begged one of them to bring brie in a pilsberry crust. It was so bad but so good all at once. In fact I couldn't decide how bad and good it was until I had a second piece;)

I'm not going to step on the scale, I'm not going to measure myself and I'm not going to beat myself up any longer about all of this because...well I was going to say it's a new day but this is the day I've been snacking on cookies and cream, so there's nothing really to say!

I'm going forward. I'm taking my failure with grace and I'm gonna shake what my mama (actually not my mama, probably one of my aunts) gave me tonight at zumba.

Tomorrow is a new day:)

I better write this down before I forget

2009-12-08T11:25:00.001-08:00

Two years ago today our youngest child was born. We weren't planning on having any more children, but I remember driving down the street one day and realizing that no matter what we planned things were in God's hands. I found out two weeks later that I was pregnant.

We were so sure we would be having girl number 5. We thought "we populate the world with girls" and so when we saw that little penis on the ultrasound we were both in tears. A boy!

Planning a home birth was really exciting for me. I had gone natural before and just the experience of prenatal care with a midwife was such a nice change for me. No in and out prenatal appointments, she left plenty of time to answer each and every one of my questions.

"What if the cord is wrapped around the neck?"
"What if we have to go to the hospital for an emergency C-section?"

"What if he's turned the wrong way?"

"What if, what if, what if???"

She was so patient and reassuring and finally instructed me to stop watching Special Delivery on Discovery Health, a show featuring high risk deliveries.

My midwife, Charlotte Geddis, has delivered thousands of babies and told me stories of miraculous situations she's seen. Real miracles! That assured me that having this baby in the setting we were choosing was a step of faith, but God would meet us and be with us through it all.

On the night I went into labor I wasn't sure it was labor. No body tells you that the more kids you have the more false labor you have so I had already called her on two different occasions thinking it was it when it wasn't.

Bill went to bed and I got some sleep too. I did rest a little and then woke up and realized the contractions were still going. During false labor, going to sleep at night would be the end of them. I took a shower and the hot water felt great on my back. Then I sat on my exercise ball and watched some late late night TV. Finally the contractions were getting to the point where I needed to breathe through them so I woke up Bill to tell him it was for real this time.

And it was, they suddenly were very intense and pretty regular. I decided right then and there that I would rather go to the midwife's office instead of having her come to our place. I think I decided that because I was suddenly worried about progressing slowly. With Ruby (and pitosin) I kept thinking I was transitioning because of the pain and when the nurse checked me I was only almost to 3cm. I know that had to to with being induced, but I was still afraid that would happen again.

Our kids had spent the night at my parents house so that was already taken care of. I originally was going to have my two older girls there, but changed my mind about that too.

I was the one having the baby so I went with what I wanted.

We got ready to head over to Charlotte's and then we realized we couldn't find the keys to the suburban. No problem...we had Bill's work van! Not a comfortable ride.

We headed over and I suddenly forgot my very simple breathing patten of deep breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth. I started taking little breaths and hyperventilating until my husband reminded me how to do it. He was so good and how did I respond?

"You are getting a vasectomy!!!!" I yelled. He drove faster.

That ride was so bumpy that when we got to her office I stumbled out of the car and barfed.

I told the assistant to prepare the tub. The midwife wanted to check me first. I didn't understand why they couldn't multitask and start the tub and then check me but I guess they sensed I was farther along then I thought. Yep, 9 1/2 cm.

She broke my water, I quickly got to 10 cm and the contractions pretty much stopped.

After some contraction inducing tactics they started back up again and I started to push. This part of it was what my husband appreciated and why he recommends everyone to go to a midwife. Charlotte was praying over us while she was watching, taking care that I didn't tear and waiting for my little boy's big round head to descend.

Just to give you an idea, Emma took all of three pushes, Ruby took absolutely none at all, but Brayden's hard head had me pushing for 40 minutes.

But then he emerged into the world and into my arms (I actually reached down and pulled him up onto me) and the feeling of euphoric elation overcame my tired body. He went right on my breast knowing exactly what that was for.

After the placenta passed, Bill cut the cord. The midwife and assistant cleaned and weighed him. 7 pounds 14 ounces and 21 inches long and that was two weeks early.

I stayed and snuggled with my baby boy while Bill went home to get the suburban and the car seat.

He got back and we headed home, stopping at Dairy Queen for a bigger meal than I'd had in weeks.

The girls were so excited to meet their little brother.

For the rest of the day I laid with him in bed, rested and fell more in love.

Then night came. My milk of course had not come in and clearly the yellow stuff was not enough for my hungry boy. With the girls they simply whimpered and sucked on their hands when they were hungry as a tiny baby, but not Brayden. He screamed! Every two hours he screamed! I seriously remember saying something along the lines of "Oh no, what did we get ourselves into?"

And where was that cute little baby cry that babies are supposed to have?

My milk came in and he slept for longer than two hours but screaming his head off when he was hungry continued.

I got his name from one of those 35,000 baby names books and I thought it was an English name that meant "broad hill" or "wide valley", one of those. But then I found a name very close to his in my Strong's Hebrew dictionary. The word brayed means "to scream with hunger"....yep that fits him.

So, his verse is this "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. " Matthew 5:6

This morning I sang Happy Birthday to Brayden and then said "How old are you now???" He exclaimed "10!" Hey not so fast buddy! Happy 2nd birthday.

Come with me on this journey

2009-12-05T15:36:00.000-08:00

It will be much less painful than it is for me...lover of sweets and baked goods (I'm sooo a dessert before dinner kinda gal)

Isn't it funny how as moms we usually don't know how we look until we see a picture? I mean, how could I know? I glance toward the scale every once in a while and actually stick out my tongue at it. I put my make-up on in front of the overhead mirror in the car (better lighting) and I AM the picture taker.

So this summer when I set down the camera while at the beach and my husband got ahold of it and took this shot I was a little surprised to see myself from behind!

And yep, that's a nice picture of my butt, which is so much cushier than it was before baby number 4...well no 3! Aren't you glad that I trust you people? And yes, I will admit to you and only you that that is back fat you see! Aghhhh!

Anyway, for some reason in the middle of cooking constantly, food galore and my bestest friends, jackets and scarves, I'm all of a sudden motivated to lose some weight, gain some muscle and just be healthier! You know, treat my body better...

Part of the reason is because I finally gave in and stepped on Bad Mr. Scale! That gave me a goal...lose 20 pounds!

Another reason is because I FINALLY found a workout that I love....ready for it? Zumba!

Yes it is so much fun! I took dance when I was younger and believe me...you lose those skills. The first time I went I was so lost and could NOT keep up with the steps, but by the end of the session I was such a sweaty mess and I didn't want to stop because I was having so much fun. I went again a couple weeks later and followed a little better but it still kicked my cushy butt!

Yesterday I daringly went all alone to the town's fitness center which is known for it's gossipy people; so out of my comfort zone. This was the first time that we actually were in a dance study surrounded by mirrors...yikes! This was the reason I went to the health club's Zumba, because I knew the mirrors would help me actually get some of the more difficult steps.

Which leads me to the final reason I'm wanting to do this. I got a look at myself in fitted workout gear in that full length mirror and suddenly saw the difference from when I was really in shape! I thought no wonder I feel the way I do! I know that was before children, but still, I want to feel good again. I want to be able to play tag with my kids and not get completely winded after only five minutes. I want to be able to go out dancing with my husband. I want to NOT have to rely on jackets and scarves to hide that middle area.

So here's my plan. I would totally go to Zumba 3x a week if I could, but that's not very practical with my already busy schedule, so I'll at least go once and then start working out at home too again.

The bulk of my diet (there has to be some room this time of year) is going to be whole grains, lean meats, veggies and fruits. I've also been drinking Acai berry juice this week and feel it doing something in my digestive system.

And lastly I'm going to tell you all about it:) Lucky you!

You DON'T want a Barbie Dream House???

2009-12-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

Tis the season to be....unsatisfied!

Yesterday we were eating dinner and the kids were talking about what they were hoping for in the way of Christmas gifts. I've asked them to narrow down their usually extensive lists to ONE thing and one thing only. Mean Mama? I'll get them each more than one thing, I just don't like how big long lists filled with Wii wishes and Ipod dreams make for unhappy Christmas mornings on every one's part.

Anyway, Shariah says "and by the way Mom, this year can you please NOT get us barbies that look like us???" WHAT??? Seriously, no barbies? Did these girls come from me? And I get so excited to buy a strawberry blond, blue eyed Midge for Shariah, brown haired barbies for Emma and Azzie and a dark blond one for Ruby. I don't think that's too much. I wasn't going to buy Brayden a Ken doll or anything. Seriously girls, can't your mom go back to her childhood a little at Christmas time???

That got me thinking to my Christmas' growing up. I don't think I have to say anything further about my own love for barbies and at the very very top of my Christmas list was the Barbie Dream house. The one with three levels and an elevator to get you there(pictured below - my how it's changed) ! I'm pretty sure it was similar to the kid in "A Christmas Story" wanting that Red Rider BB gun.

So Christmas morning came and presents filled the base of our little tree. Us kids were up at the crack of dawn anticipating...well pretty much just the gifts.

My dad passed out presents to each of us and I instantly noticed the familiar shape of my rectangular wrapped box. I tore the paper to find a bikini clad blond barbie doll. Oh, she's going to love her new house I thought to myself. The next present caused even more excitement. A kitchen and dining set, all pink of course and elegant enough to be in a three story home with an elevator.

I think some other gifts followed. Things like stuffed animals and socks.

Then almost all the gifts were done. Two presents remained and one was rather large, so when they handed the large gift to my younger brother and stuck the smaller one in my lap I didn't know what to think. I can't remember what my brother opened, but in my box I found a pink outdoor Barbie Soda Fountain Shop! First I was confused. That was it? Were my parents hiding the dream house in their bedroom and just teasing me with this soda shop?? I mean, it was nice and it was pink, but it was something that would be down the street from what I really wanted.

I didn't get that barbie dream house that day or ever. It probably had cost more money than we could afford at the time and I suppose the house would have been dumb if I had no furniture or barbies to put in it, but I have to admit, I cried! I cried right there in the living room surrounded by presents on Christmas morning.

My mom volunteered at the Food Bank around that time and one day she brought home dozens of gray Dairy gold milk crates. I stacked those milk crates sideways on one wall of my bedroom and so were invented...the Barbie Ghetto Apts. Yeah, the beautiful pink dining room set looked a little out of place, but there were plenty of small studio apartments for Barbie, Ken, Skipper and the rest of the gang. There was no need for an elevator because there was a handle sized hole in each floor that barbie could just climb through.

I wish I had a picture of that complex in all it's glory, but you're just going to have to use your imagination.

I was happy with the apartment complex and feel that my childhood would definitely be missing something without it, but nevertheless the dream failed to completely die knowing that someday I would have girls of my own and I dreamed of the look of elation on my own daughter's face when she came down Christmas morning to find her very own Barbie Dream House waiting for her.

But my daughters don't even want barbies who look like them!

~sigh~

Why didn't I think of this??

2009-12-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to a Toy Exchange with some moms from church. What a great idea. I packed up a few toys that are still in nice condition and hauled them to the exchange. Now I was kind of sad to see some of these things go. (I can't say what in case any kiddies peek at my post - not that they are even going to miss them). I was sad mostly because we had paid full price for this stuff for something that was thrown in the toy box and forgotten! Then (and this is all on my drive to the exchange) I got kind of mad, at my kids and at myself. That turned into resolve to NOT buy toys at full price anymore. So, now I'm pretty much done "shopping" for my youngest two and I'm thinking about having another toy exchange myself:)

April you'd be into that right???

Rollerskating Fun with Emma

2009-11-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

First of all I love birthdays. I feel like a birthday should be celebrated all week (including both weekends) and I'm all for celebrating a half birthday - just because having cake and a special day for you just once a year isn't enough.

I also love parties, especially birthday parties. I love the planning, the cake decorating, the games and afterward remembering how fun it was. But with five kids and after one year spending an obscene amount of money taking an entire second grade class rollerskating, we had to cut down on the big parties.

Now we have parties for birthdays 1, 5, 10, 13 and 16 and in between those years the kids can choose to do something with one friend and the family. So, for Emma's 6th birthday the family went rollerskating. Here's the evening in pictures.

The birthday girl showing just how fast she can go.

Emma with big sister Azzie

Azzie (I know serious red eye, but she's very into twilight so she thought it looked cool)

Once again it took several tries to get an unblurry picture of Shariah, the speedster.

Ruby's first time skating and is holding onto Uncle Peter and Grandma.

And I'm going to leave you with a couple of quotes from my girl who never fails to keep me laughing.

Me: Emma, do you know that the biggest word in the world is supercalifragilisticexpealidocious?

Emma: No it's not Mom!

Me: Oh then what is?

Emma: Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!

Later that same day...

Emma: Hey Mom, I was just wondering, does everyone in the world have taste bugs?

So Much To Be Thankful For

2009-11-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving morning and before I write what I am planning I have to say that my husband is watching the football game and all of my kids, including Brayden (who is not quite two) are all singing along with the Star Spangled Banner...it's SO cute!

I don't talk about our family much, as in Bill's and my sisters and brothers and moms and dads. But I can count on the Thanksgiving holiday especially to bring all the issues we have right in our faces. We always have the problem of where to have Thanksgiving and the truth is we'd just rather go far far away and celebrate with strangers.

Last year we did skip town and it was wonderful. No stress, no family bickering, no one coming to dinner stoned, you get the point.

One major issue is my sister "B". She's struggled for years with drinking, drugs, eating disorders and relationship problems. I don't think she'd mind me sharing that with the world. She is very open about what she struggles with. Sometimes too open for my personal comfort!

So, on Sunday (I'm sorry if I'm skipping all over the place but as you can imagine there's a lot to this story) I was on my way to church to share that speech. It was the last day of hunting season so my husband had been tromping through the soggy forrest all morning and was meeting me at church. We were supposed to be there early and we were running late and of course I lost my keys, cuz that always happens when I'm already running late for something! I was irritated and yelling at the kids to get in the car, buckle up, etc. They were fighting with each other over who knows what in the back seat. I pulled out onto the road thinking "How am I supposed to go and stand up in front of the church and share when this is how my morning goes???"

I said a prayer that things would change and calmed down myself hoping that it would spread throughout the car. Then I decided to check my messages (I know, I try not to talk on the phone while driving, but listening to messages is different right?) and there was a message from my sister. She called to say that she's going to Teen Challenge and leaving as soon as possible!!!

Teen Challenge is actually for all ages despite the name "teen". It is a year long program which includes drug rehab, discipleship (it's a Christian organization), extensive counseling and eventually outreach. Rather than an 8% success rate like 21 day rehabilitation centers the success rate is much much higher. I'll have to find out what it is find out what it for sure, but from what I've heard, it's more like 80%.

So many seeds have been sown into B and that morning I was so beyond encouraged to see the glimpse of the seeds taking root. I was so filled with thankfulness by the time I arrived at the church.

B has a purpose and she's going to step forward in courage and allow God to lead her and prepare her for that purpose.

Leaves in the wind

2009-11-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

So I did it, trembling with a racing heart, I got up in front of the entire church and gave this "speech". I do NOT like speaking in front of people (who does seriously??) but I find myself accepting opportunities and hoping for more. Weird? I never said I wasn't;)

Anyway, a few different people came up to me afterward and said the best thing ever...they said God spoke to their heart through my words...I'm so completely humbled!!!

So, this was edited from the first version.

Just this morning I woke up to a beautiful song. I love music and these lyrics really spoke to my heart. The song is by Among the Thirsty and it’s called “I’d Need a Savior”

How many names can I use to explain the love of my Jesus,the life that he gave and so many times will I raise you today.I lift up my life ‘cause you’re always the sameAnd my offering to you I bring

Last week I was not in the best mood for preparing to say what I’m thankful for. I sat one morning with my cup of coffee and peered out at the blustering day (I do blame the weather). I saw some terrified leaves fall to be swept to a place I couldn’t see from my window, and in a moment of melancholy I realized that I kind felt like one of those leaves being tossed to and fro in the raging wind, only taking detours from my final destination…the ground. I know! Don’t ever let me complain about my girls being overly dramatic!

This year has been tough and last year was tough too. Trials have come one after another and even overlapped each other on several occasions. I’ve become accustomed to moments of brief rest before the testing of my faith begins yet again. I know that testing grows us, but honestly I’ve wondered how much “growing” one person can possibly need…you don’t have to answer that!

There’s been plenty of inspiration on Facebook as so many people are typing out things that they’re thankful for. I also read over my family’s Thanksgiving letters from last year. I usually have everyone write a simple note of what we’re thankful for but I don’t think I’ve ever actually gone back to them until this week. There is something to remembering what we have and counting our blessings. I laughed to see that three out of five children were thankful for candy (probably old from Halloween) last year and the rest were sweet and doing so definitely helped to improve my mood. At the time last year we were struggling with the shock of our situation. Being in the building industry we were hit early by the economic downturn and most of what I wrote in my own letter focused on what we had left. I was thankful that we had our health and our home and family and friends.

As this financial trial has continued, honestly becoming more of a “life” trial, the feeling of defeat and the loss of hope have definitely settled upon me. And that’s where this sorry leaf analogy comes in. I’m definitely in a different place this year and I haven’t decided if it’s better or worse.

Throughout the week I’ve had another song in my head. “I will arise and come to Jesus”. The lyrics that I love are these:

I will arise and go to Jesus,He will embrace me in His rms;In the arms of my dear Savior,O there are ten thousand charms.
Come, ye thirsty, come, and welcome,God’s free bounty glorify;True belief and true repentance,Every grace that brings you nigh.
Come, ye weary, heavy laden,Lost and ruined by the fall;If you tarry till you’re better,You will never come at all.

You see I know what I’m supposed to do. I know what the bible says. The bible says to trust in Him, look to Him, keep my eyes focused on Him, and for the weak and weary there is no shortage of promises, in fact every answer we need is there in God’s Word. But keeping faith and keeping focused are not easy to do when things are pressing at us from every direction. It’s not easy when the possibility of things turning around slips farther and farther away. Honestly there comes a point of giving up on circumstances and lettings things go.

In the middle of my leaf word picture I realized that there is something that I hold onto when everything else is hopeless. I might be heading down to the ground, but God is an expert at raising things from the dead. He takes dead things and breaths life into them, infuses them with His power and His glory and when He resurrects something it is eternally better than how it was before.

Jesus was crucified, but He rose from the grave, He conquered death for all of us and He is living in His glorified body. He saved us by that atoning work and when I think about what He has saved me from, I want nothing more than to serve Him daily!

He saved me at a young age calling my name and for that I am thankful. His grace filled the gaps in my dysfunctional family as He comforted my pain and covered my shame. My despair and unbelief led me to a life of parties and drugs and He saved me from the destruction that I was running towards. I was alone and He restored to me a family with ample room for grace to be lived out daily. I had dreams as a little girl of having a wonderful husband and lots of children and He restored that dream (we have five kids). He took me in my brokenness, in my depression and despair and continues to turn those ashes into beauty.

What I am most thankful for though, is that while I may feel blown around in the wind and while I may lose faith, give up, lose sight of the Truth, screw up, fail, you get the point, God does NOT change. And His power is made perfect through our weaknesses. Not in spite of them, but THROUGH them! That’s grace! The same power that conquered death is in us!

Something that remains on my list from year to year is my thankfulness for my family and our friends; people lift us up when we are lacking faith, speak truth to us when we need it, people who feed us when we are hungry and clothe us when we need it. And people who give us that opportunity to be in their lives so we can do that for them as well.

The last thing that I want to share is that I am thankful for this day, because really this day is all we know that we will have, right? And if we have lost hope and faith for a little while or lived for years running from God one way or another, we have this day. God’s compassions never fail. Lamentations 3:23 says “they are new every morning; great is [His] faithfulness”.

I’m just going to finish with the rest of the lyrics to “I’d Need a Savior”:

How many songs can I sing to proclaim
your wondrous love and beauty so great?
What would I say if you brought down the rain and
everydayI walk through the pain my heart would still
say…

Chorus: Your name is Jesus. Your name is
Jesus.
You’re the Wonderful, Counselor, my Friend.
You’re what I hold on to; I know that you brought me through
All the days of loss, to the cross you knew
I’d need a Savior.

You’re what I hold on to; I know that you brought me through
All the days of loss, to the cross you knew I’d need a
Savior.
I’d need a Savior
I need you, Savior

This Thanksgiving

2009-11-16T16:22:00.000-08:00

I have spent the last couple of days preparing to share in church a little something about Thanksgiving, and the timing was interesting because for the last couple of days the weather has been gloomy, rainy and very windy and I have to say that like so many people around here, my mood has gone right along with the weather.

So, I sat with my cup of coffee and peered out with heavy cheeks at the blustering day. There a few terrified leaves fell and were swept to a place I couldn’t see from my window, and in a moment of melancholic tragedy I exclaimed to my pitying self that I felt like one of those leaves being tossed to and fro in the raging wind, only taking detours from my final destination…the ground. I hope I’m not the only one who can be that pathetic!

This year has been tough and last year was tough too. Trials have come one after another and even overlapped each other on several occasions. I’ve become accustomed to moments of brief rest before the testing of my faith begins yet again. I know that testing grows us, but honestly I’ve wondering how much “growing” one person can possibly need…don’t answer that!

For inspiration I read over my family’s Thanksgiving letters from last year. I usually have everyone write a simple note of what we’re thankful for but I don’t think I’ve ever actually gone back to them until this week. There is something to remembering what we have and counting our blessings. I laughed to see that three out of five children were thankful for candy last year and the rest were sweet as well. At the time we were struggling with the shock of our situation. Being in the building industry we were hit early by the economic downturn and most of what I wrote in my own letter focused on what we had left. I was thankful that we had our health and our home and family and friends.

As this financial trial has continued, honestly being more of a “life” trial the feeling of defeat and the loss of hope have definitely settled upon me. And that’s where this sorry leaf analogy comes in. I’m definitely in a different place this year and I haven’t decided if it’s better or worse.

You see I know what I’m supposed to do. I know what the bible says. The bible says to trust in Him, look to Him, keep my eyes focused on Him, and for the weak and weary there is no shortage of promises, in fact I believe every answer we need is there in God’s Word. But keeping faith and keeping focused are not easy to do when things are pressing at us from every direction. It’s not easy when the possibility of things turning around slips farther and farther away. Honestly there comes a point of giving up on circumstances and lettings things go.

In the middle of my leaf word picture I realized that there is something that I hold onto when everything else is hopeless. I might be heading down to the ground, but God is an expert at raising things from the dead. He takes dead things and breaths life into them, infuses them with His power and His glory and when He resurrects something it is eternally better than how it was before.

Jesus was crucified, but He rose from the grave, He conquered death for all of us and He is living in His glorified body. He saved us by that atoning work and when I think about what He has saved me from, I want nothing more than to serve Him daily!

He saved me at a young age, calling my name and I’m thankful I listened. His grace filled the gaps in my dysfunctional family as He comforted my pain and covered my shame. My despair and unbelief led me to a life of parties and drugs and He saved me from the destruction of my own making. I was alone and He restored to me a family with ample room for grace to be lived out daily. He restored to me my little girl dream of having a godly husband and lots of children. He took me in my brokenness, in my depression and despair and turned those ashes into a thing of beauty as I’m able to understand and know firsthand what so many women struggle with today.

What I am most thankful for though, is that while I may feel blown around in the wind and while I may lose faith, give up, lose sight of the Truth, screw up, fail, you get the point, God does NOT change. And His power is made perfect through our weaknesses. Not in spite of them, but THROUGH them! That’s grace! The same power that conquered death is in us, through His Spirit.

Something that remains on my list from year to year is my thankfulness for friends and family; people who fed us when we were hungry and clothed us when we needed it and I’m thankful that we have the opportunity to do that for others.

My challenge this Thanksgiving is to dwell on who He is, remember how He saved you and serve Him daily.

Our Weekend Getaway (Part 1)

2009-11-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

We had such a nice weekend together, even if half of it was spent in the car. We set out on Friday morning in the fog and good chance of rain and headed over the "beautiful" North Cascades Highway. Now, I'm sure it is beautiful when the sunlight is gleaming down through the trees, but a better word for it during our trip would be...frustrating. I had to drive really slow through all the windy curves.

The sun did peek through and blue sky was spotted when we got to 8000 feet but it was enough for me. Autumn leaves would have been nice but honestly I was much more interested in the quality driving time with my handsome man:)

We stopped in Winthrop and walked around a little. If you've never been you should go and take your kids and head on into one of their saloons for a sarsaparillas. That's about it.

When we came down into the Metho Valley we did see beautiful leaves and orchards. The valleys in Eastern Washington are always so amazing to me, how things can grow abundantly right along the river, but almost immediately after...I guess where the irrigation system ends, everything is dry dessert land. The rock formations are amazing and made me wish I knew a little more about geology. I didn't get a good picture but so many of them look like God took his hand and smushed it down like dry bread dough.

The other towns we passed were not much to mention and actually a little depressing to drive through even. I mentioned that to my dad when we got back and he said many of those towns are filled with drugs and drug cooking labs/trailers and they have all the other stuff that goes along with that...sad.

Then we got to Colville and I honestly felt like I was home after a long time away. Compared to the other towns we'd gone through (Omak, Republic, Kettle Falls) Colville has much more of an influence from Spokane, which is directly two hours South.

The old Main street looked the same, with the old movie house and other family owned businesses.

We stopped to get a bite to eat at a family Mexican Restaurant and there we got a feel for local life. It reminded me a lot of Stanwood, but maybe a few years behind and an even slower pace.

After eating we drove out of town, further down Highway 20 to the Beaver Lodge Resort. It was dark and we just checked in and headed to our interestingly decorated cabin. I'll just say whoever decorated has a thing for floppy eared dressed up bunnies!

The next morning we headed a few miles down the road to Molanda. It took us awhile to find the place. Last time I was there I was 12 and Bill visited a few years ago with my brother. We finally found it and drove up the old driveway which was heavily overgrown. We found the back door opened and realized right away that our suspicions were too true and grossly understated. Pack rats have taken up residence and the inside was covered with insulation and rat poop. We looked around and took note of how much cleaning we would need to do, got back into the car and headed back to Colville for rat traps and orange vests (it was the height of deer season and I was afraid to get out of the car without one).

In town we drove around and Bill let me be sentimental for awhile. I found my old school "Aster Elementary" and our old house on Summit Ave. I drove by the dirt pit that me and my friends would sneak over to and slide down and reminisced about my childhood and where everyone was now. In our entire marriage I don't think I've ever really done this with my husband. He grew up around Stanwood so we're always driving past places where he learned to ride a bike, played with his childhood friends, etc.

After checking out the Walmart, which wasn't there before, we drove back up to Molanda and in our bright orange vests, explored the property more. I was most excited to see my "Field of Wildflowers" where I'd go as a child and play, pretend and talk to God. As you can see in the picture below there are no flowers there now, but I'm betting they grow there in the spring. We'll have to go back and see for sure.

I felt such peace being there again. The woods are overgrown but I still had that feeling that this was how it should be, that this was how woods should be and this was how I should feel. Completely content with life.

Later went back to where we were staying and discovered Lake Gillette right next to the resort. Beautiful pristine waters with a backdrop of firs and tamaracks (those are the yellow conifer trees).

Overall our trip was such a time of rest, fun being together and beautiful. And we didn't realize how much we needed that!

Glitter happens to be my long lost motivation

2009-10-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

This morning I sent the second and third child off to the bus, put the dog outside (I’m sorry I know it’s cold) and poured fruit loops for Ruby and Brayden. I thought surely that would give me a few minutes to check my email and Facebook (that’s right I have not at all stuck with my ban of that – it’s like a drug! I don’t even like how it makes me feel afterward, but I keep being drawn back to it, like a bug to a light zapper).

I checked out everyone’s Haloween costumes and watched a couple of You Tube videos so I guess it did take a little longer than I had expected. Then I went to check on the kids and found GLITTER EVERYWHERE. Mixed in with their cereal, covering the floor and table, not to mention my children. Usually messes like this overwhelm me and make me say things under my breath about life, all I do is clean, etc. But for some reason the sight of bowls filled with milk, fruit loops and sparkles made me laugh and smile the whole time I cleaned.

The smile remained while I mopped the floor on my hands and knees, and then while I washed the dishes. I kept smiling while I threw all the sparkly clothes in the washer. And it kept going. I have officially started on my “Fall Cleaning” and could not be happier about it. I've been looking for my motivation for a week now and who knew I'd find it where I did. I still don't know where they got the glitter in the first place though...

Oh and while I was in the middle of the kitchen cleaning I peeked in to see my sweet little children looking at books quietly on the couch.

Yep, I’m counting my blessings today.

One of many stories I've started and not finished...

2009-10-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

Smoke curled upward filling the foyer of the large Victorian house creating a thick cloud around the Nineteenth century chandelier. I had given up smoking years ago and the dense fog burned my eyes. On one side of the room two older ladies sat silently in chairs on either side of a long table. Glancing momentarily my way, the first looked somewhat masculine with short gray hair, jeans and she held her cigarette between her pointer finger and thumb like an old farmer. The other wore her hair in a short bob, obviously dyed black or possibly a wig. She held one of those old fashioned cigarette holders. Her eyes remained pointed at some high mark on the opposite wall and as I walked by the smell of bourbon hit me like a truck. I wondered if she hid a flask in her stockings. That seemed to fit her. I suddenly remembered hearing about a flamboyant aunt who filled small shiny bags with sand and gave them as gifts to her nieces telling them it was fairy dust. I’d always envied Leila for having an interesting aunt when all of mine were in comparison very boring church ladies.

The first time I saw Leila I decided she must be a dancer. She walked into my high school English class and I watched her long graceful neck and a face that came down from her eyes to a point similar to a heart. She looked around the room of students, fixing her eyes on nothing in particular and I could tell she was nervous. I’d seen her earlier in the day, walking from the office with what must have been her schedule and locker assignment.
I wasn’t an outgoing girl in high school but something urged me to meet her. The teacher introduced her as Leila Montgomery and seated her right behind me. That day we became friends.
I wasn’t the only one drawn to Leila. She was quiet at first, just having moved to the area and not knowing anyone. Once she warmed up though she started making friends with everyone. She was kind, funny and pretty and I felt like she was mine.
I had many best friends before but no one like Leila. Maybe it was because of the time in our lives. Those years when you don’t really know who you are and your feelings overwhelm the logical part of your self.

As I made my way past the smoking women I wondered what I was doing here. I hadn’t talked to Leila in years. Could we still even be considered friends?
I took in a breath of clean air as I stepped into the kitchen where more women were preparing food. Not silent but so quiet were their voices that I couldn’t make out a word. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable and wished my husband Max were here with me. He’d become my comfort over the years but he had stayed at home with the kids.
One of the women, wearing an apron, looked up and noticed me. She smiled and started toward me.
“Well, hi dear, you must be a friend of one of my granddaughters. I’m Carmen.” She took my hands and her smile warmed me.
“Yeah, I’m Jessamine, an old friend of Leila’s. I’m really sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you dear.” Suddenly her eyes narrowed. “Leila’s been staying out by herself on that back porch. I won’t allow smoking in the house you see and she seems to think that smoking is going to bring her mother back from heaven now.” I considered the women in the smoke filled room where I had come through, but guessed Leila lived with different rules than her eccentric aunt.

My eyes moved over to the window looking out to the porch she was talking about and I caught a glimpse of my old friend. She looked as if she was about to come in the house and I waited, nervous and unable to move from the spot where I was standing.
The screen door closed with a bang and in walked Leila. She turned her head but her eyes failed to connect with anyone in the room, although all of our eyes were on her.
Her face had aged in the years we’d stayed apart. Her look was tough like the years had not been sweet. Of course I hadn’t expected her to be any other way considering the occasion that brought me down here, but something in me suspected the hardened girl I saw before me had taken years of work.
Her pale blue eyes were lined with dark liner and she had gained a lot of weight which she held around her middle. Her blonde hair was cut into a low maintenance short style and tucked behind her ears where she kept an extra smoke.
On queue with my thoughts she took the cigarette and popped a lighter to light it. Her grandmother was quick to catch her. “Not in here, honey,” to which Leila quickly turned on her heel, marching out the door like a knowing child.
Instantly I felt awful. Awful for letting so many years go by without a word. I felt bad that she did not know my children and Max only knew her through old stories of my crazy high school years.
With guilt of my neglect festering I followed her out the door and found her alone, staring into the empty yard.
She saw me and I noticed the wells of tears in her eyes, out of which one betrayed her and fell onto her blotchy cheek.
“Hey, how are ya?” Leila said as she sniffled and made a partial attempt at composing herself. I went to her and she held her lit cigarette far off the balcony rail while we exchanged an awkward half hug.
“I’m good” I said as I backed away looking down at the worn and weathered floor boards.
She brought her arm in for a long drag while we both stood there uncomfortable and searching for words to say. I felt responsible.
“I’m sorry for not coming sooner,” I said.
“It’s alright. My mom had a lot of people helping out while she was sick.” Leila turned towards the house and stared through the window at her grandmother and the others. “Actually it has been kind of crazy,” she paused. “I sort of think my mom would have rather been left alone more so she could have had some peace.”
I noticed a hint of disdain in her voice and I wasn’t sure how to respond; how to connect so that she would understand me and I could be relieved from some of the guilt I was feeling.
“What I mean is that I’m sorry that I wasn’t here for you.”
“I’m fine.” She shrugged her shoulders. “You didn’t know she was sick, Jess.” She looked at me straight and I felt helpless from further explaining myself. So much so that the thought of getting out of there as quickly as possible rushed at me with overwhelming force.
“So what’s up these days? You live in the same place?” she asked.
“Well we’ve got four little ones now and yes we’re in the same house. We’ve actually done a lot of work to it over the years. I’ve built a big garden and Max has a huge shop where he works out of.”
“Four little ones…” She raised her eyebrows and crammed her cigarette into an overflowing ash tray. “Wow, you’ve really been popping out babies since I saw you last time, huh?”
That was the side of Leila that I’d loved so much as a sarcastic teenage girl myself but as I’d grown, married and matured there was nothing that irritated me more and I couldn’t help but feel defensive.
“You know, I’m pretty happy Leila. I’ve got a good husband who loves me and I like where I live and I love my kids.”
I watched her close off again at my self-protective response and half of me sunk back into the guilt. I silently vowed to be more sensitive. Her mother had just died I reminded myself. And anyway, with all the time that was bound to pass before our next encounter I decided I could endure her rude comments.
We stayed there in silence again while Leila lit another cigarette from a nearby pack that someone seemingly forgot.
“So, what are you up to these days?” I didn’t want to ask if she was still with her boyfriend Jeremy because so many years had passed. I remembered Leila being quite committed when she was involved with someone but honestly, looking and listening to Leila today made me doubt Jeremy could have stayed committed to her all this time.
“I live pretty close to here.” Now she seemed slow to speak but I welcomed the peace between us. “We rent a two story house, my boyfriend Dwayne and I. He plays the guitar and he’s actually made the downstairs into a pretty sweet studio. He’s in a band and they’re pretty good. They just released a CD and their songs are downloading like crazy off the internet.”
“What’s the name of his band?”
She kind of laughed. “Goodbye Rehab!”
“That’s it? That’s their name?”
She laughed again. “Yeah, that says a lot, huh?”
Now I was raising my eyebrows hoping she’d explain that a little further but not willing to ask.
“So, what are you doing?” I asked her.
“Well, I work at a clinic about a mile from here. Yeah, I hate it, but it’s a job right?”
Now I felt bad for getting so defensive about my wonderful life, after all I was probably living a fairy tale compared to her day to day mess, but then again it was her choice to live the way she’d been living all these years.
I remembered encouraging her on my wedding day to settle her self down. I assured her that she could be so much happier if she lived in the little farmhouse for rent down the road from the house Max and I were looking at to buy. We could have gardened together and gone for walks in the mornings. She could have met a sweet guy at our church and had her own kids.
“That’s good for you, but I’m just not ready for that, yet. Honestly I don’t know if I’ll ever be.” Her words from my wedding day still had me wondering and confused.
Leila put out her second cigarette and looked inside the house again. “Ya know? I’m gonna get out of here.”
“You’re leaving right now?”
“Hey, there’s nothing to stick around for and Dwayne’s got a show tonight.” She gave me a quick hug. “Thanks for coming down.”
“Sure, and I am really sorry about your mom. And Leila…”
“I’m sure she’s happier now, right? I guess I’ll see you at the next funeral.”
The words I was about to say disappeared in that instance and I was left with too many questions. Who was there for her right now? Who would listen and care about how she really felt about her mom’s death? Obviously I had wrongly assumed I could walk in and be that person. Why wasn’t Dwayne with her? That one hadn’t occurred to me until I stood there watching Leila hurry down the balcony steps and sneak around the side of the house to leave.
I stayed there for awhile reviewing in my mind what had just taken place. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to get out of there too, away from that stuffy old house and back home to my husband and his sympathetic arms.
I opened the door and was immediately headed off by Carmen, Leila’s grandmother. “Where are you going dear?” Her sweet voice didn’t match her intimidating manners as she caught me, gripping onto my arm.
“I should get going. My kids are at home and I need to get back to them.” I felt desperate but she seemed to have her own mission.
“Where’s Leila, dear?”
“She said she needed to be somewhere too. Um, I think her boyfriend has a show or something.”
Carmen held my arm tighter, “Well, that good for nothing boyfriend of hers should have understood that she shouldn’t be going to rock shows. Not tonight. Not after just losing her own mother.” Carmen’s head was shaking. Then her fingers loosened as she came back to me and smiled. “Well, it was sweet of you to come here and pay your condolences. Leila’s lucky to have a friend like you.”
I smiled and nodded and when I felt I was free I hurried out the door, past the foyer, now overpowered with the smell of liquor and the two ladies still sitting in the smoky fog.
I hurried outside and unlocked my mini-van and scooted into the driver’s seat. I wanted to drive like a maniac home but all I could do was put my head on the steering wheel and take long deep breaths that kept my tears at bay.
After a minute I put my key in the ignition and started the car. Patting my cheeks with cold hands I felt relieved to have that over with so I could get back to my children, my husband and my life.

One Liners

2009-10-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

I wrote about my blogger and facebook ban and I'm sorry to have to admit but that's been overwith for awhile...like a month. I've returned to FB and have posted all sorts of clever one liners...no not really, I'm more of an obsessive lurker I have to say. But I was just thinking blogging was the thing I was missing, not Facebook. And actually because of Beth Moore's nice little post this morning I am going to take another much needed break from Facebook since it's become more of a nervous tick for me. She quoted 1 Corinthians 10:23 "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive.

So, I'm going to be random and give you a few little one liners (with a little explanation added because I'm wordy).

I got the best workout last night dancing crazy with my kids! I actually got a new worship CD by this band called "Jesus Culture" and when put it in both Ruby and Brayden started dancing. So, we just went crazy jumping and and rocking out to the loud songs and twirling and leaping to the slow songs. They loved it, especially when Mommy ignored all her own safety warnings and swung them around in circles by their arms;)
The flu is finally gone! Not H1N1. According to Lemonade Making Mama this still could be in my future! But no we had the tummy bug and the question that I previously posted on FB was "why do kids always start throwing up in the middle of the night?" Seriously, and then the next day they would feel all better and be ready to go and I'd be completely exhausted! Ugh, glad it's over though, but what a week.
We're heading to the mountains. This is our second try at heading over to our family's cabin way over on the other side of the state. We tried in April, but there was still two feet of snow on the ground. The snow is long gone, but summer came and went and I don't know how we stayed so incredibly busy, but now's the time to go. It is going to snow soon again. And this leads me to my next post...
Pray for sun and beautiful leaves:) I can't wait to head over the North Cascade Highway, which is supposed to be the most beautiful drive in Washington. I have only heard and never seen so I can't wait. I love love love driving and looking at Fall leaves. Especially with my handsome husband and a thermos of Starbucks. Expectations high? Yes! Can that lead to some sort of disaster (ie argument, fight, pouty pity part)? Potentially, but let's hope not;)
I have missed blogging! I can't wait to really get back into the swing of things and share with you all the amazing things that have been happening. When I do I want to figure some things out like how to use other fonts because this one is okay, but I detest Helvetica and all of its relatives. I'm also trying to tap into my creative side (it's there, but seems to have been hiding under piles of laundry) and try to....just do something creative (the what will have to come later). I'm not a crafty person (although I love getting ideas from other people and copying them) and I can't sew aprons or make stuff for etsy, but I know there's some outlet for the right side of my brain. Maybe I'll discover it this weekend while on my drive...oops there I go again with the crazy expectations. Okay, sorry you are having to witness my internal argument, but I'm going to just try to enjoy myself this weekend and rest. Hmmm...
I need a new good book. Any suggestions? I like everything except for throw away novels....what kind of statement is that?! My favorites are books that inspire me in some way and don't leave me asking "Why God why??" at the end of them...so in other words, nothing with Oprah's name on it;)

Have a good weekend:)